Read My Shorts

#TenThingsNotToSayToAWriter

Something that was trending on Twitter recently, so I thought I'd join in...

1. Surely all the stories have been told haven't they? What's the point of writing more?

Yup, you're absolutely right. Everything's be done, there's no new music, no surprises, nary a tiny hint of a nice sunset, nothing new to write about, and no joy to be had anywhere. Let's all just stare at the grass and imagine it's a delightful grey colour, just like your brain.

2. The special effects in a book are non-existent, why should I bother reading when I can watch TV?

In your case, please carry on watching TV. Stories have nothing in them you'd like as your brain has obviously dribbled out from your ears along with your imagination. 

3. Oh, so you're still trying to be the next INSERT FAVOURITE WRITER HERE then...

Yup, and I see you're still trying to be the next victim of someone with an irrational fear of idiots.

4. Yeah, I reckon if I wrote something it'd hit the bestseller list, but I can't be arsed really.

Yup, there are plenty of things I can't be arsed to do too. Like talk to you. Goodbye.

5. I started writing my memoirs twenty years ago. You write a bit, fancy helping me complete it? I know people would love it.

Of course! I'd love to spend all my valuable writing time listening to you droning on about potato blight and how it's affected your hairline. Let's go. Mind if I pick up my shotgun on the way just in case we run out of coffee, or sanity?

6. How much money you earned from that then?

You'd ask me the same question if I worked in the local supermarket or as a bricklayer? How bloomin' rude. 

7. Have you ever thought about taking up a more useful hobby? 

And here was me thinking that hobbies were meant to make you happy in your spare time. Silly me! I know I'll take up running despite my cruddy knees, or stamp collecting despite the fact I have no interest in it. Ooh, no, hang on. Sheep dog spotting. Yup, that's for me. I shall sit on a hillside and not write about the wonderful world around me, or even the beautiful dogs, I shall just sit there with a clipboard and tick off 'Border Collie' once a day for the rest of my life. Hurrah.

8. Have you read any good stories then?

Nope, I make sure that I go to my local library and check out only the stories that sound really, really, bad. 

9. I had an idea for a story once...

ok, so what would you like to do with it? Is it in a jar by the bed? Do you have it tucked in your wallet, just in case you get lucky and meet Stephen King? Do you still have the idea, or did you misplace it along with the odd purple sock and the TV remote?

10. You reckon you could write a character as original as me? 

Yup. I can usually manage two dimensions easily enough.