After

Chapter 40.

 

I walk back to my room and hope that Hardin is gone, I can't bare to even look at him. Being the disgusting person that he is, he is sitting on my bed when I return. Visions of me grabbing the lamp and bashing him in the head go though my mind, but I don't have the energy to fight with him.

"I'm not going to apologize" Hardin tells me as I walk past him towards Steph's bed. I will not sit on my bed with him.

"I know you aren't" I say and lay back.

I won't let him bait me into this fight and I never expected him to apologize. I know him better by now. Well, in all honesty I don't know him at all. Last night I thought he was just an angry boy who's father left him and he held onto the hurt, using the only emotion he could to keep people out. This morning I see that he is just a terrible, hateful person. There is nothing good about Hardin, anytime I believed there was, was only because that is what he wanted me to believe.

"He needed to know" he says and I bite down on my lip to prevent the tears from returning. I stay quiet until I hear Hardin get up and move towards me.

"Just go Hardin" When I look up he is standing over me, he sits down on the bed and I jump up.

"He needed to know" he repeats and anger boils inside me. I know he is doing this on purpose just to get a rise out of me.

"Why Hardin? Why did he need to know? How could hurting him possibly be a good thing? You weren't affected one bit by him not knowing, you could have went on with your day without telling him. You had no right to do that to him, or me." I feel the tears coming again but this time I can't stop them.

"I would want to know if I was him" he says, his voice is steady and cold.

"You aren't him though, and you never will be. I was stupid to think you could possibly be anything close to him. And since when do you care about what is right?"

"Don't you dare compare me to him" he snaps. I hate the way he chooses only one of my statements to respond to. He stands up and moves toward me but I back away, keeping the distance between us at least five feet.

"There is no comparison. Don't you get that by now? You are a cruel and disgusting jerk who doesn't give a shit about anyone but yourself and he loves me. He is willing to try to forgive me for my mistakes. My terrible mistakes." I add.

Hardin takes a step back as if I pushed him.

"Forgive you?"

"Yea, he will forgive me for this. I know he will. Because he loves me, so your evil plan to get him to break up with me so you can sit back and laugh didn't work. Now get out of my room."

"That wasn't.. I.." He starts to say but I cut him off. I have wasted enough time on him already.

"Get out! I know you're probably already plotting your next move against me, but guess what Hardin? It isn't going to work anymore, now get the fuck out of my room" I am surprised by my harsh words but I don't feel bad for using them against Hardin.

"That isn't what I am doing Tess, I thought after last night...I don't know, I thought you and I.." He seems to be at a loss for words, which is a first. Part of me, a huge part of me is dying to know what he is going to say but this is how I got so tangled in his web in the first place. He uses my curiosity against me, it is all a game to him. I furiously wipe my eyes, I am thankful I didn't wear makeup yesterday.

"You aren't really expecting me to buy that are you? That you feel any differently about me than you did before?" I need to stop and he needs to leave before his claws sink deeper into me.

"Of course I do, Tessa. You make me feel so.."

"No! I don't want to hear it Hardin. I know you're lying and this is your sick way of getting off. To make me believe that you could possibly feel the same way about me as I do about you then you will flip the switch. I know how this goes by now, and I won't keep it going."

"Feel the same way you do? Are you saying that you.. you have feelings for me?" His eyes flash with what appears to be hope. He is a better actor than I thought.

He knows I do, he has to know that. What other reason could there be for me to keep this unhealthy cycle between us going? I realize that I have barely admitted my feelings for Hardin to myself, and now I have just put them out there in front of Hardin, giving him easy access to smash them. Worse than he already has.

'Leave Hardin, I won't ask again. If you don't leave I will call campus security." I tell him and mean it. I feel my walls slowly being torn down by the way Hardin is looking at me and I can't let it happen.

"Tess, please answer me." he begs.

"Don't call me Tess, that name is reserved for friends and family, people who actually care about me. Now leave!' I yell, much louder than I had planned. I need him to get out and get away from me. I hate when he calls me Theresa, but I hate when he calls me Tess even more. Something about the way his lips move when he says it makes it sound so intimate, so lovely. Damn it, Tessa. Just stop.

"Please, I need to know if you.."

"What a long weekend, I am exhausted!" Steph says as she walks into the room. Her eyes narrow at Hardin as she notices my tear stained cheeks.

"What is going on? What did you do?!" She yells at Hardin. "Where is Noah?" She asks and looks at me.

"He left, just as Hardin is about to" I tell her.

"Tessa.." Hardin begins.

"Steph, please make him leave" I beg and she nods. Hardin's mouth falls open with annoyance at my use of Steph against him. He thought he had me trapped again.

"Hardin, lets go." She says and grabs his arm, dragging him towards the door. I refuse to look back at him. I stare at the wall until I hear the door shut. I immediately hear their voices in the hall.

"What the hell Hardin? I told you to stay away from her, she is my roommate and she is not like the other girls you mess with. She is innocent and she is honestly too good for you" She says to him. I am pleased and surprised by the way she is sticking up for me.

It still doesn't soothe the pain in my chest. My heart literally hurts. I thought I had experienced heartbreak after my day alone with Hardin last week, but that was nothing compared to how I feel right now. I hate to admit it to myself but I know that spending the night with Hardin last night made my feelings for him so much stronger than they already were. Hearing him laugh while he tickled me , the way he gently kissed my lips, his tattooed arms wrapped around me, and the way his eyes fluttered and closed when I traced my fingers over his bare skin, all made me fall deeper for him. Those intimate moments between us that made me care for him more, also make this hurt so much more. On top of that I have hurt Noah in a way that I can only pray he forgives me.

"It's not like that" his accent is thick and his voice angry.

"Bullshit Hardin, I know you. Find someone else to mess around with, there are plenty of other girls. She isn't the type of girl you need to be doing this with, she has a boyfriend and she is too sensitive to just be friends with benefits"

I don't like hearing her say that I am too sensitive but I guess she is right. I have done nothing but cry since I met Hardin and now he has tried to ruin my relationship with Noah. I don't; have what it takes to be friends with benefits either, regardless of how he makes me feel. I have more respect for myself than that and I am too emotional.

"Fine. I will stay away from her. But don't bring her to anymore parties at my house. I mean it, I don't want to see her again and if I do, I will ruin her" he snaps and I hear Steph grab the door handle.