Knockout

Chapter 10

I trudge up the stairs after Marshall dropped me off. I can't believe what happened, how could I be so naïve. We were going to start over, and we couldn't even do that. I guess we really do need to talk over everything before we can get intimate again.
I reach the top step and instead of going into my room I head straight for Thatcher's room. I walk in and he's laying in his bed with the light on, not sleeping. He doesn't say anything when I enter and lay on my back next to him in the bed.

"Did your night suck as bad as mine?" He asks, staring at the ceiling.

"Kinda." I sigh. "You first."

"I went out with Cash." He tells me, taking a deep breath. "And he's funny and nice and hot and such a good guy. It went really well."

"And that sucks because?" I'm confused, he should be happy about this.

"I don't know, I kept thinking about AJ." He explains. "I feel like he's watching over me, you know? And it just makes me feel guilty for having a crush on somebody else."

"That does suck. I'm sorry." I say to him. "From what you've told me about him, I don't think he'd want you to feel like this."

"I know he wouldn't." He nods, still staring up at the ceiling. "And that's what sucks the most, AJ would want me to move on and be happy. It's just not that easy." He closes his eyes for a moment and takes a deep breath. "I wish you could've met him Rach, he would've loved you."

"I know I would've loved him too." I turn my head to look at him and I can see his eyes getting watery. "It's gonna be okay."

"I know." He nods and then sniffles, taking a minute to breathe.

We lay there for a second and I let him steady his breathing. I feel bad for him, that must be horrible. He doesn't deserve to feel guilty for liking somebody. No one does. After a minute or two of silence, he speaks.

"What about you?" He asks, turning the subject over to me. "What happened with blondie?"

"We almost had sex." I tell him.

"Almost?" He laughs. "Why almost?"

"Well he wanted too, like really wanted to. And then we were about to and he said that he couldn't." I explain.

"Couldn't?" He turns his head towards me.

"Yeah, I was really nervous. I couldn't stop shaking and he said he didn't want it to be like that." I sigh, can't believe I'm saying it out loud. "Looking back, I don't think I wanted to do it."

"Why didn't you tell him that?" He asks.

"Because I feel like I'm forcing him to make all these compromises and I'm just giving him nothing." I admit. "I already took away fighting from him and I felt like if I could give him what he wanted just once I'd feel better. But I couldn't even do that."

"Rach if you didn't want to then you didn't want to." He tells me. "I don't think he'd want you to pretend that you did."

"I know." I rub my face with my hands. "I have to get this guilt away from me."

"You and I both." He chuckles. "Just talk to him, you guys will work something out."

"I was talking to Ren this morning. She thinks I should let Marshall fight again." I tell him. "And even though I hate it I think she's right. I mean, fighting is what got him out of his house and away from his parents. Rule basically adopted him."

"Honey, I am not the person you need to be telling this." He says, inferring that I should be talking to Marshall. "But I think she's right too."

"I know. I just felt so bad. He was so quick to give up fighting because he loves me." I turn to look at Thatch. "I feel like I'm taking advantage of that, even though I don't mean to."