One Shots

Then It Hit Me

08/15/15

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Maraming beses na akong nasaktan. I even told myself not to cry for another worthless person anymore but I just ate my own words. I'm trying myself to avoid falling. May mga nanligaw sa akin, may mga lalaking sinasabing gusto nila ako pero naiwasan ko 'yon lahat. But then this guy came and was trying to ruin my life again.

Kagaya ng lahat ng clichés na nababasa ninyo, nahulog ako sa isang taong hindi naman ako gusto. But the difference is that hindi siya 'yong tipong lalaki na nababasa ninyo sa libro. Hot? May abs siya, oo but his body is not fit. He's skinny. Heartthrob? Hell no. Maputi at chinito? Nope. Hindi siya yung lalaking inaasahan mong magkakagusto ka pero sa hindi inaasahang panahon ay nahulog ka at ikaw mismo, hindi mo alam ang sagot kung bakit ka nagkagusto sa kanya.

He may not be hot but I've been longing for his warm hugs. He may not be the campus heartthrob but seeing him smile makes my heart throb. His skin may not be white but his tanned skin makes him fine. His eyes may not be dreamy but those eyes will always be my favorite part of him.

Then it hit me... I'm falling inlove. Again. Unexpectedly.

Rian was my first seatmate in this school year. Magkaibigan na kami niyan dati pa pero nung nag second year at third year ako, hindi na niya ako pinapansin. And I know the reason why. I used him. Nung second year ako, sinabi ko sa mga kaklase ko na siya ang gusto ko when the truth is yung kaibigan pala niya ang tunay kong gusto. Siguro nagalit siya sa panggagamit ko kaya nilayuan na niya ako. I don't know but somehow it hurts.

Now, he's my classmate and was my first seatmate. Nung naging seatmate ko siya, I can really feel the awkwardness surrounding us. Hindi kami nagkibuan ng ilang araw hanggang sa kinausap niya ako at kinausap ko siya. That's when our friendship started again. No more awkwardness. Komportable na kami sa isa't-isa. Tinutulungan ko siya sa assignments niya just like I was doing before. Abusado pa rin siya but I wonder why I am not even upset about it. Isang araw, he was moved unexpectedly. Nilipat siya ng upuan and I don't know but I was feeling weird. Para bang nalungkot ako bigla. I realized that I don't want him to leave his seat. There's an urge of pulling his polo to stop him from transferring but I don't want others to give any malice so I let it go. I went home, still having that weird feeling. I went inside my room and thought about Rian not being my seatmate anymore. Suddenly, I cried...

Then it hit me... The realization stage. I like him.

Aware na ako na may gusto ako sa kanya kaya lumayo ako. My past relationships didn't work well kaya ako na ang umiiwas dahil ayoko nang masaktan ulit. Pero nakakainis lang kasi, umiiwas ka nga pero panay lapit naman siya sa'yo. I remembered that time na umupo siya ulit sa tabi ko. He positioned his face on the chair's arm and started singing while closing his eyes. I stared at him, smiling, wanting to caress his hair and his face but I can't. Nabigla ako sa pagmulat ng mga mata niya. Nagkatitigan kami. I thought he'd look away pero nakipagtitigan siya sa akin kaya ako nalang ang umiwas. May mga araw din na nahuhuli ko siyang tumitingin sa akin pero pinipilit kong binabalewala at hindi ko binibigyan 'yon ng kahulugan. Pero may mga araw na nakikita ko siyang masaya siyang nakikipag-usap sa ibang babae kaya pilit ko talagang tinatatak sa utak ko na hindi niya ako gusto. Mahirap kasing hindi umasa. Kapag nagkagusto ka sa isang tao, hindi mo talagang maiwasang hindi umasa.

I don't know, but thinking about him aches my heart. It's funny to think that your heart belongs to someone who doesn't even treat you in a special way. It's funny to think that you've been secretly looking at someone who looks at you just like he looks at other people. It's funny to think that after all the heartaches you've been through, no matter how hard you tried avoiding it, you still love and will continue loving.

Then it hit me... Love. I'm being stupid again.

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