One Shots

Eros

I was a literary editor before, and I have encountered thousands of stories from different kinds of people. From all those stories I have read, I noticed one thing that was present, Love. When I say Love, it is too broad, right? It can be many things. It's funny because people fail to realize how knowledgeable they are about Love yet they think they're still clueless about it at the same time. Then I thought, "How powerful is Love, then?" Ever since I asked that to myself, I got curious about Love. I got interested in it, and so Love became the main part of the stories and all the literary pieces I make. I write stories with different kinds of Love. I observe people and find Love in everything they do. I was so into Love but I still don't get it. What is Love?

And then I fell in love. It was abrupt; I never saw it coming. It felt like Cupid pushed me into the pit of Love without giving any warning. But it did not hurt while I was falling; it was magical and all happy. There I knew how good Love really is; how Love makes all things beautiful. It was the first time I have ever realized how enticing it is to be loved, to be taken care of, to be the first priority. But then I almost forgot about Pain. Pain is the opposite of Love, that's what I knew and what I believed in before. It did not hurt while I was falling but when I reached the bottom, I was shattered. The laughter turned into screams, the warmness turned into coldness, the soft eyes turned into terrifying ones, but I did not stop loving him. I stayed, and I loved him more. I asked myself, "Why? Why don't you just stop loving him? Why don't you just leave him? He had hurt you so much but why can't you just walk away?" Then a voice crossed my mind, "Because you love him." Was the voice I heard from Cupid? The reason was not clear. Even I did not get it. The answer that had crossed my mind did not make any sense at all but I was satisfied with it. Because of that answer, I believed that I was doing the right thing, by not giving him up.

I was hurting but I did not have any courage of leaving him. I don't have any idea of what force is stopping me from leaving. I know how stupid I am. I know how stupid I am holding on to someone who gives me more pain than love. How could he tell me that he loves me when all he did was hurt me, right? How can that thing be called Love? I just don't get it, Cupid! Why do you hurt someone you love? Isn't Pain the opposite of Love? I asked myself those questions over and over again until I get an answer. Then I realized that Pain is not the opposite of Love. It is the absence of Love. There is no Love if there is no Pain, but there will always be Pain if there is no Love. And so we choose to love.

I bet Cupid heard my cries, and then he hit me with another arrow again, thinking that it will remove all the pain that I am feeling for that guy. Yes, I fell in love with another person while I was still in a relationship with the other one, the one who gave me a lot of pain. Yes, I know how shitty that is. I know how wrong that is. No matter how much I tried defending myself in that situation, I would still end up telling myself that that is wrong in so many ways. How could I fell in love with someone when I already have that person whom I thought I love? I tried not feeling. I tried removing the feeling, but I failed. But then, maybe Cupid did the right thing because finally, a day came that I gave my boyfriend up. I let him go; this time, no second thoughts, no more turning back. Okay, let's be honest here, I let him go because I already have feelings for another one. I don't want to be unfair to him. I don't want to lie to him. But I seriously don't know why it was still so hard letting him go even though I already like someone else. Is it because I pity him? Or is it because he told me that he still loves me? I have no idea, but I did set him free. At least Cupid helped me remove that pain I felt for him, and so I said hello to the new pain.

Believe me or not, I ignored the feeling I have for that new guy I like in a year. I tried so hard in ignoring the feeling but the spell in Cupid's arrow is strong. And this person I fell in love with is so carefree and so insensitive. He is so good to everyone, he cares for everyone, and he even told me that he loves everyone. How funny is that? He cares for me and he has no clue how I felt so special being taken care of by him even though I know that he does it to everyone. Why is that? Why do you fall for simple gestures? Why do you fall for little things? How can they describe Love as something powerful when it is only present in simple ways?

One day, I was walking at the hallway. It was humorous because I was talking to myself. I said to myself, "Oh please. Just stop. He will never like you back, okay? Give up." I breathed in, and exactly at that moment I breathed out, I saw him standing near the door of our classroom. He saw me and then he smiled at me, clueless that I was just thinking about him. I rolled my eyes at somewhere, hoping Cupid saw that. Why do you do this to me, Cupid?! Have you ever felt that? That moment when you say to yourself that you will stop loving him, but then you saw him standing there, then he smiled at you and your heart just melted, and you would say to yourself, "Damn it," because you realized that you cannot stop loving a person just because you told yourself so. I know Love is beautiful. I know. I admire what Love can do so much to this world. I also know that Love is good. But if Love is really good, then why do I feel like I am being punished for doing something good?

You might find this really weird but I talk to Cupid sometimes whenever I wanted to consult someone about Love. I talk to him, hoping he would hear the screams inside my head and hoping he would answer one day. It was in mid-April when I talked to him. I was experiencing too much pain that midnight. Why does it hurt more now? Is it because of the fact that I can't have that person? Or is it because I can't tell this person how much I love him? Why can't I remove the feeling? Why do I need to get hurt this much? Questions... There were a lot of questions but I heard no answer.

Maybe Cupid did hear my screams because I woke up one day, realizing that all I needed to do is to go with the flow of love. I just need to have faith in it; to believe in love. And so I did. Cupid hit me with a lot of realizations. I realized that Love never hurts. It is the actions that were done to me or something I seemingly failed to do have made me feel hurt. It hurts because my expectations were not met and I've become so frustrated. I cling to the thought of being in love and wanted to be loved. So when it never happened, that's the time pain came in.

So I lessen my expectations, and I kind of not care anymore. For now, I love him and that's it. I no longer expect him to love me back or something. And it really did hurt less- sometimes.