Remember Me?

9

I could bore you with how time when on and on, but time didn't seem to move on. The days went on. One by one. There was an emptiness inside of me. There was this numbness taking over me. A thick blackness surrounded my heart slowly weakening it. I felt like I was stuck floating in space, or stuck in a dream which I might never wake up from. I watched as the world turned. Life went on, of course–but I'm not sure how much of it I lived through. I had nothing left to live for anyway. There was absolutely nothing left for me here. I don't remember most of that month at the end of the war. It went in a blur. I was stuck in the same place doing the same things. I was just going through the motions. Mentally I was lost. I lost everything.

I tried not to dwell on the time Bucky, Steve and I had lost. The time that was supposed to be years. I tried not to think of what we didn't say, what I didn't tell him. I couldn't help but think of all those stupid words we never said to each other because of fear. I grieved for them, but mostly I grieved for what could have been. We could have had it all. I should have told him, I should have held him tight and kissed him back when I had the chance.

I tried being angry at Steve, for not landing the damn plane or telling Peggy his coordinates. I tried to be mad at Bucky for picking up Steve's shield thinking he was a match for HYDRA's weapons. I tried to be mad at the world for not giving me more time. I was mad at myself because I wasn't good enough, or fast enough. I wasn't enough to keep them with me. I just got tired though. I was so tired of my anger, and sadness. I was so tired.

I wanted to join the army for so long. I knew there were consequences like this, but I never imagined it hurting so much like it did. I thought the war would be a riveting adventure when it was really a walk through a jungle of carnage. I wished I was shot and not living without the people I cared most about. I had forgotten how lucky I was. I just lived though a world war and I had my life to live on. I was lucky. That's what kept me going.

When the war officially ended and Peggy and I were discharged, we were both offered full positions in the army. I turned them down. Peggy decided to stay with the SSR. She was coming back to New York with me. I was going back to Brooklyn for some time to straighten everything out regarding Bucky and Steve's deaths. Then I didn't know where I would go. I doubted that I would stay in New York, there wasn't anything for me there anymore.

"Oh, Peggy, I'll miss you so much! I promise I'll meet you before I leave!" I told her hugging her tight. She did the same and smiled. We were parting at a train station. I was taking one towards Brooklyn and she was taking one towards Manhattan.

"Keep in touch, you know I'm only a city away." She said gently. She picked up her suitcase and we left each other's side for the first time in four years. I felt naked without the wonderful Peggy Carter next to me, but she was right, she was only a city away. I headed down to Steve and Bucky's old apartment. Steve had left a note saying that he was able to leave his and Bucky's stuff in a storage room. They were something of friends with the landlord.

I wasn't yet able to feel nostalgic over the little things that reminded me of them. When I first walked into their apartment building I almost had a panic attack. The world started to spin, and I couldn't catch my breath. It was all so normal, and in the back of my mind I could see them coming down the wooden stairs to meet me for dinner. I remembered the smell of dust, and molding wood there. I remembered they lived on the fourth floor, apartment seventy. I stiffly walked over to the front desk and asked to see the landlord. They had to call him in and I waited about thirty minutes before he came.

He was an older gentleman. One with a white beard and a bald head. He was short and stout and seemed like the man to enjoy a good laugh with an old friend. He didn't seem very open to new people, but I could tell he was somebody's uncle or grandfather. He had a cold demor but was kind once you got to know him.