Say Goodnight

Chapter 8

**Mentions of Suicide**

Gilbert slicked his wet hair back and allowed the forceful water blast his face. He felt the bubbles make their way down his back, slid down his leg, and down the drain. He loved showers, he always found amusement by pretending to be in dramatic scenes in a movie, or singing loudly, holding the shampoo bottle up to his mouth. 

He couldn't remember the last time he bathed, he felt like he had to be next to Ludwig's side constantly. Gilbert always felt that way towards him; right after his father left without a word, Gilbert took Ludwig under his wing. 

He remembered crying when Ludwig went to his first day of school. Knowing that he would not see Ludwig for awhile, he held him tight, kissing his dry cheek repeatedly, and calming Ludwig's nervousness. He nearly got in a car crash driving home because his big tears blinded him. 

And, now that a tumor was found in Ludwig's brain, Gilbert didn't want to leave his side in case anything happened. 

"Gil," He heard the child's timid voice over the sound of the strong water. Raising an eyebrow, he tugged the shower curtain slightly, stuck his head out, and noticed Ludwig's face peeking over the door, his hair damp from his bath, face still tinted pink, eyes staring profoundly at the bathroom tile, he spoke: "C-can I have another bedtime story?" 

Gilbert sighed but soon gave him a smile. "Ludwig, I'm not sure you want me to read to you while I'm naked." Said Gilbert. "Can you read a story to yourself for a bit until your tired?" 

Ludwig shuffled in, revealing his dog footie pajamas and an old stuffed bear under his arm, his eyes wandered from the floor to the mirror. "No," He said. "I mean, I'd rather have your cool stories."

Gilbert smirked and shivered, feeling the cool air on his naked skin. "Luddy, have a snack first, I'll be out soon." Ludwig nodded his head and moved out of the room. He slowly shut the door and Gilbert could hear him running along the hallway.

Gilbert warmed his chilled skin with the steaming water and he scrubbed the conditioner out of his silver hair, cleaned his body with a good fragrance body wash, and shut down the shower. He stepped over the tub, his body dripping on the towel under his feet. He ripped the towel off the rack and encircled it around his waist. 

He rushed to his room, the cool breeze made him shiver. Gilbert got dressed quickly and walked to the kitchen.        

Ludwig sat at the table, dipping his chocolate chip cookie, that they both made together, into the white milk, soaking it for awhile before bringing it to his mouth and biting through the moist cookie. He munched on the cookie while swinging his legs back and forth, humming a tune to himself. He swallowed the cookie and washed it down with the milk that had crumbs swimming in it. 

Gilbert chuckled,"You picked a good health snack, didn't you?"He went to the fridge, pulling it open, and searching around for food.  

"Can I have a story now?" Ludwig impatiently asked, his legs picking up speed. 

"Be patient, West." 

"I want to go to bed soon." 

"Then why aren't you there getting some sleep?" 

"Cause I couldn't sleep," Ludwig said. "I'm scared, Gil, I don't like being there." He knew he was speaking about the hospital.  

Gilbert softened his face and wrapped an arm around him. "Don't worry, You'll be fine." Gilbert felt like it was a crossword puzzle trying to find the correct words.  

"Gilbert, did mom die during surgery?" Gilbert became immediately became stiff and his heart began going off like a ticking bomb ready to explode. 

They never spoke of their parents, it was like a forbidden word. 

"Well, no, she killed herself." His mouth was dry as he watched Ludwig's face turn to shock. 

"How? Why?" 

"She hung herself." He simply answered. He didn't want to go any further. 

"Why though? Who would want to kill themselves?" 

"She was sad and she just didn't like life. She wasn't right in the head." He realized his mistake once Ludwig's eye enlarged and his chest rose quicker.   

"Like me? A tumor? Not right in the head?" Ludwig stammered and dropped the cookie that he held in the milk. 

"No, no, like mentally." Gilbert thought for a moment. "She had a disease where she was sad. Don't be scared, your alright." He kissed the top of his head, smelling the fresh shampoo. 

"Oh," He sipped his milk and looked back at him. "What about dad? Is he dead?"

Once again, Gilbert became stunned, his hands became clammy, and his mind scrambled for the correct words. "He left us after mom died." 

"Left where? Where is he?" 

"I'm not sure, I hadn't seen him for a long time," Gilbert changed the subject. "You almost done? I'm so tired." 

"Does he hate us? Did I annoy him?" Ludwig mumbled a sorry to himself. 

"No, no, no," He shook his head wildly. "None of that at all. He loved both of us, but... I don't know, he never told me why he left." 

"Were they nice? Mom and dad?" 

Gilbert smiled at the memories. "Yeah, Mutter also made the best food every, every morning I would smell delicious pancakes or cinnamon rolls. She would decorate the house with freshly picked flowers from her big garden and the house always smelled of flowers. Every Sunday, after Church, I would spread a big blanket outside, surround it with all my stuff animals. Mutter would make tea and food for them and she'd join the tea party." He looked away and continued on with the memory. "Dad would work a lot and I would sometimes come with him to work. I loved seeing him work, I wanted to be just like him. Once visiting Germany, he would always carry me around on his shoulder so I could see the beautiful land. When I was a teen, we would build bird houses together and place them in Mom's garden. He'd wake me up early in the morning to watch the birds fly around their house that we made."  

Gilbert glanced back at Ludwig who's head rested on his shoulder. "There, that's your bedtime story." 

He expected him to complain and ask for the usual bedtime story that included knights and kings, but instead he nodded sleepily. "Thank you Bruder." 

"Now, time for bed." Gilbert hugged the little brother in his arms, walking down the hallway to his bedroom.