Say Goodnight

Chapter 10

Ludwig's mouth stayed in a firm line as the automatic doors opened to the hospital, the smell explored his nose and he coughed at the smell. He tried hard to keep a strong face on and so did his brother who held onto his arm tightly like he never wanted to let go. Ludwig muted out his voice as he talked to the receptionist, he didn't want to hear anybody right now. 

He was brought to where his brother's hand took him: in the elevator, up two floors, through a corridor, and into a room. 

Ludwig glanced at Dr.Kirkland and he spoke to him, he listened closely. "It's nice to soon you again Ludwig." Dr.Kirkland smiled at him, causing Ludwig to hide behind Gilbert's leg for protection with only a large eye peeking out at him. 

Dr.Kirkland looked at Gilbert and spoke thing that didn't quite make sense to Ludwig. He was told to sit on the bed, he did as he was told with caution, his eyes watching Gilbert as he walked over to it. 

After a long time of doing all sorts of preparation; from drawing on his skull to drawing blood from his arm.  It scared Ludwig to see all sorts of people looming over him with needles and odd tools that he didn't know, all he knew was that he feared them. 

His brother's hand held his the whole time and Gilbert put up a fight if they told him to let go. He felt the cold air on the shaved part of his skull, his whole body felt chills rolling down it and goosebumps spread on his arms.  Gilbert noted and rubbed his hand on his cold arms. 

"You're doing great Ludwig." Gilbert admired. If he did this, he would have broken down into tears by now, but he wouldn't have admitted it to his little brother, 

"I am?" He whispered so the doctors didn't hear. 

"Of course. You're so strong for doing this." Ludwig slightly smiled at the reply and relaxed his head down on the pillow. 

"I'd rather be weak than do this." His voice was weak. He was hungry, thirsty, scared, he wanted to be home just with his brother. 

Gilbert rubbed his hand, massaging it. "I know," He kissed his head quickly, quick and sweet. "But you're always strong." 

For a reason that Ludwig didn't know, those words made tears burn in his eyes, he wiped them off before his brother saw. 

"You too." He thought of Gilbert raising him. 

Dr.Kirkland interrupted, "Gilbert, the surgery is going to start soon, it's time to leave." Ludwig hand squeezed Gilbert and mumbled to himself. 

Ludwig felt his heart getting faster once Gilbert's eyes looked into his, his eyes full of worry. Gilbert felt useless, his brother would have to go through this all alone. 

"I love you now and for all of eternity." Gilbert tried to force his voice to stay calm though he felt a large bump in his throat, burning his throat and causing tears in his eyes.  

Ludwig couldn't find his voice, he was numb, mute. Nothing could be brought from inside of his mouth to the outside. Tears traveled down his cheeks as his brother's hand fell from his. His hand never felt colder even when he would throw snowballs in the snow with bare hands, it felt better than this, it didn't hurt his heart as much, it didn't make him cry out in panic. 

With every footstep of Gilbert's and as he got furthered away from him, his tears became heavier and Ludwig's body was numb, frozen in place. He wanted his arm to wipe off the fat embarrassing tears, but it laid by his side, paralyzed. 

I Love you now and all of eternity.

___ 

The colorful fish weren't enjoyable. 

The cute kids running around with toys were annoying.

The parents who smiled roughly were bothersome.

Gilbert hated everything about the damn hospital: its interior didn't make Gilbert gasp in awe, they all looked cheap and plastic; the kids didn't make Gilbert feel better, he just thought of how it'll be like to play with Ludwig again. 

His heart felt unusual like it was beating so hard that it stopped, tears didn't stop even though he didn't feel them anymore, he felt his skull burn from how much he ripped over his platinum-blond hair and the strands fell to the carpet. 

Gilbert wanted out of the place, to grab Ludwig and walk out. He knew the doctors were helping him, still he wanted his brother out and in his arms again like nothing was wrong. 

He slouched in his chair and his head rested in his hands. He felt the wetness of his tears in his palm. He hummed a tune to himself like his mother would do when she was stressed, she always hummed to herself. 

If he knew this would happen then he would have loved in from day one, but, back then, his selfishness overthrew him and the thought of caring for the newborn Ludwig was sickening. He wished he kissed Ludwig's chubby cheeks from the day he was born and snuggle his close to his heart like a mother to a baby because parents were both absent and Gilbert was forced into the role from a young age. At the age of eighteen, he wanted to move to the big city, the one that he fantasises his whole teen hood but he couldn't after his parents left and he blamed the innocent baby for it. For holding back so many dreams, for making him give up his adulthood, for making him spend so much money on him.   

He thought about how their relationship would be like if their parents were still alive; if Gilbert moved thousands of miles away from them and leaving the newborn along with his parents like he should be. He wondered if they would be this close; if he could bond with the small child despite a large age gap, despite never meeting in person and only through video. 

Gilbert felt his stomach ball up, would he miss this relationship if he never felt it? Would he choose partying, drinking, women over his sweet baby brother? Would he be better off without him? More successful? Finding love? More money? 

The questions made him feel nauseous. How could he think that? He loved his brother with all his heart and he'll throw away anything for his brother. But the questions hung at the back of his mind, pestering him constantly. 

___

"Mr. Beilschmidt?" 

Gilbert shot his head up from hands, small bits of dried drool was on the corners of his lips, his eyes were hazing and dull, and his hair tangled like a forest. He didn't sleep, he wanted to sleep but no matter how long he rested his eyes he couldn't. 

He quickly got up from his seat when he noticed the doctor was speaking. It wasn't Dr.Kirkland like he expected, Gilbert guessed the surgery was almost over and he was finishing up.    

"The surgery was successful, we got all of the tumor out." He paused, swallowing. "The thing was that the tumor was Malignant." The doctor read the confusion on his face. "Meaning cancerous."

The word made Gilbert's heart lunge and his dry eyes imminently be watered with tears. 

"We suspect Medulloblastoma, a rare cancer. It's  a fast growing and high-grade tumor." He stiffly told him, pretending not to see the agonizing look in his eyes. 

"A-and?" Gilbert barely made it out. His throat burned as though he drank lava, his stomach produced acid and it made his chest string, and his cheeks were like waterfalls. 

"He'll need to undergo Chemotherapy and radiation."

Gilbert imagined his brother having several tubes planted into his skin, he imagined the boy's face when dealing with the pain, he imagined how life was going to go on after this.    

Gilbert's legs shook like they were burning rubber, enough to make he fear he was going to fall to his knees. His legs brought him to the seat near him, dropping into it quickly, eyes blind with tears. While trying to breath, he barely saw through his tears the doctor's lip move, yet everything was quiet, silent. He didn't know if it was good or bad.