Say Goodnight

Chapter 15

"Ludwig!" Feliciano squeezed through the door right once Gilbert opened it. He ran in their home, glancing around the room, searching for Ludwig. Kiku walked in slowly, first greeting both Antonio and Gilbert, and stood by Feliciano. 

Feliciano looked back at Gilbert frantically,"Where's Luddy!?"  He clung onto Kiku hand, examining the room. Kiku, who was much more calm, rubbed Feliciano's back, reassuring him. 

"He's still taking a shower, he's a bit slow," Since the surgery, Ludwig has been much slower at tasks. He could do things independently, like taking a shower, but it was hard for him to do things. He'll space out during activities and nearly fall asleep during some things. 

Feliciano and Kiku shuffled over to Ludwig's room, playing with all his toys while they waited. 

Antonio, who was the nanny to Feliciano and Gilbert's friend, sat on the couch in the living room. "You look tired, Amigo," He stated. 

Gilbert curled up on the couch, hugging his knees and resting his head on them,"I am," He couldn't lie much longer with the wide smile and infective laugh. 

Watching him with no grin and no sound of laughing made Antonio feel odd- instead he saw the dark bags under his eyes and messy hair. "Want to talk about i-"

"I feel terrible," Gilbert interrupted, knowing what he was going to ask, "I feel like a terrible brother,"

Now he was confused, "Why? Ludwig loves you to death and I can see you two are so happy!"  

"We are," He finally looked over at him, "But I've done terrible things in the past that I can't let go. I didn't love him for so long- not until he was one I barely played with him, only care for him," 

He would feel judgement in the air if it was with anybody other than Antonio who just calmly said, "Everyone makes mistakes, Gilbert, please don't beat yourself up over it. Nobody perfected the first time parenting especially you being so young. I've made mistakes though I'm a professional nanny- I've spoiled both of them since day one and never put them in time-out." He looked down, placing a hand on Gilbert's back, "I've once let Feliciano roll off my bed when he was one and Lovino nearly drowned in the bath when I grabbed some shampoo," 

Gilbert shook his head, "At least you loved them,"   

"But you love him now and that's all that matters," 

"I once left Ludwig in his car seat while I ran in the store to get something. I remember coming back to see an officer. "

The day was so clear in his mind, repeating every so often when he felt like he failed. He remembered walking out of the building, feeling his hands sweat and his heart drop when seeing the officer writing down on his notepad, staring at his little brother. He clung his fingers around the cold milk for support as he walked close to the man. The man's cold eyes and grumbling made Gilbert want to grab the gun from his belt and shoot himself, yet he remained still, hearing the pen scribble down, mocking him with every line. The ripping of the note was like a thunderbolt bursting in the night sky and the paper being in his own  hands was like lightening, striking him down. "Young parents, " Was grumbled through the grinding teeth of the officer. It was like he was chewing his confidence with his yellow teeth. 

He ripped the paper with shaking hands and threw it in the air, watching it wisp through the wind. Though it's gone, he was still haunted by the powerful slip of paper. He got in the car and slammed the door loudly. He crashed his head on the steering wheel, clinging its sides tightly. He stayed there until his arms were red and peeling and the sun was hidden. After whipping the hot tears from his face, he drove to the nearest gas station, picked up a packet of cigarettes after swearing to stop two years before. The cashiers shaking head when noticing the small baby in one of his hands and the other hand occupied with a powerful tequila. Once buying, he set Ludwig back in the car seat, driving off in the wrong direction of his house, smoking one by one, watching the veil of smoke fly out the window. Soon the whole package was done- just a powerless packet- and he was left alone to care for the baby.