The Girl with Cat's Eyes

C H A P T E R 5

Walking on the sun

Feet burning

Light

Heat

I'm still learning

How to deal with

Walking on the sun

C H A P T E R      5

*Four weeks later*

I worked a little in the shop now, customers coming in less just because they wanted to catch a glimpse of the poor abandoned girl, and more to actually buy stuff. I used my white board for my communications and it worked better than I would have thought. I was growing in confidence, this village finally making me feel more comfortable, feel freer than before.

'Good morning,'

I looked up quickly from my sketch. It was a girl speaking. The first thing I noticed was her fiery red hair that was scraped into a tight high ponytail. I hadn't seen her around before. She looked about my age, and Jesse's. Oh and did I mention her shirt was part unbuttoned, skirt so short I could nearly see her panties, and makeup was caked on her face. Still, I thought, I shouldn't judge, maybe she just isn't confident in herself...

'My name's Chelsea,' She started off, smiling sweetly. 'And I'm queen bee around here.' Her smile vanished. 'I just thought I'd come to see if the rumors are true... They really are letting the freak work.' She faked a smile, then:' Oh, and if you get in the way of Jesse and I... Your pathetic freak life won't be a life anymore...' And she left the shop, the bell ringing loudly as she slammed the door behind her. I stood there in a daze for a while, my hands shaking.

Me? Little me could never get in the way of a girl like her, and a boy like him. Besides, I didn't have feelings for him... really... probably... I bet any boy that touched me would make my hands shake and my face burn red, because I wasn't used to their touch. And Jesse would never feel anything for me. Not in a million years. I was like a little sister to him. He could never like me, feel in any way attracted to me. I was ugly.

**

'Ugly, ugly, ugly. Worthless. A waste of a life. You should just go die in a hole.'

He was there, standing with his back to me. I could hear the disgust in his voice. Venom dripped from his words and I felt so horrid, so dirty. I wanted to die. I should just go and die. Maybe he would help me... He seemed to hate me enough. But I didn't blame him. It was my fault She was dead. I killed her. I murdered her. My own mother.

'You're a little slut. You know that? An ugly little slut. You killed your own mother, but I forgave you. I gave you a place to sleep, food to eat. I only disciplined you, punished you every now and then. But you were ungrateful. So ungrateful. And now you've killed them both, your own mother, and your supposed boyfriend... Not that I care about him. That boy was nearly as nearly as much a waste of space as you, I bet.'

That tipped me over the edge. He hated me, I was worthless, shouldn't have been born. I was ugly and a waste of space, but he couldn't talk about Levi like that. He was perfect. So perfect. For a time he'd made me feel perfect too. Beautiful almost. I could stand the beatings, and abuse from that man I called father, if he was alive. But now, he was gone. And I was back to being the dirty little bitch that cowered away from her father, that was beaten for breathing too loud, for tripping over, or accidently waking her father from a drunken stupor. I had loved him. Once. But not now. Not ever again. He had gone too far, these past months. Nothing he could ever do would help me forgive him. Not that he would ever regret what he did anyway. I was his personal slave. His own personal door mat, that he could hit and kick as much as he wanted to.

But when he talked about Levi like that... I just couldn't keep in my anger, my pain. He had left me, died, to save me. Or so he said. Because now I was only an empty shell. He hadn't saved me, not really. I was only half alive, I felt empty. The only thing that could ever come close to making me smile now was re- living old memories, past loves. So he hadn't saved me, not really.

I looked up into my father’s cold grey eyes as he spat again in my face.

'Answer me then, girl, or are you scared?' He paused waiting, but I just stared at the ground, fiddling with my old torn shirt that was two sizes too small. 'Answer me, you bitch! Answer me! Have some manners! Have I taught you nothing?' He slapped me and I fell to the floor in a sobbing heap. 'Answer me! Say you are worthless, and ugly, that you should go and die, or have never been born...Say it, say you're a bitch, say you deserve everything you get, that you had it all coming. Say that that ugly boy toy of yours deserved to die! Say it, bitch. Say it.'

'I... I...' I started. 'I'm sorry Daddy, you are right. I am ugly, worthless, I deserve everything. I should be dead. I am sorry...' I trailed off, tears filled my eyes and I could feel the fear in my face.

'Stop your blubbing you pathetic excuse for a life.' He hit me again, kicked me. 'Get up.' He said. I flinched. 'You forgot to say that your boyfriend...' his lip curled in disgust and mockery as he said the last word. 'Deserved everything. That the only thing that would have been better is you dying and going to hell with him.'

'I...I... I can't Daddy. Don't make me. Please, please don't make me...' I whispered the last bit.

He punched me square in the jaw and backed me against the locked door of the small council flat that was ours.

'Say. It.' He said, dangerously calmly. 'Say it, bitch!' He was shouting now.

'I... I...' I took a deep breath; tears that had been pooled behind my eyelids now fell from the corners and trickled down my cheeks. I am sorry, Levi. So sorry. I don't mean this. I love you. I whispered in my head. 'Levi deserved to...' I let out a strangled sob, which He thumped me for. 'Deserved to... Die. And I should have gone with him.' The last bit wasn't a lie though. I should have gone with him. I wanted to have gone with him. To get away from this horrid life. I should have gone, died...

It should have been me...

**

'Kat... Please wake up. Please. Don't leave me.' he paused, desperately took a deep breath. 'I'm sorry for ignoring you, before. I just couldn't deal with my feelings. I couldn't love anyone but my mum before, 'cause of my... you know... Dad issues... I know I say this every day... I know they think I couldn't feel for  you, that I barley know you 'cause you can't talk... But I do... At least I think I do... What you write on the board, those sarcastic looks... I like you a lot, too much, maybe I even love you... Not just as a sister either like I know you think... Please... Please, just don't leave. I can't take it... I... I'll...' I tried to open my eyes, felt them flutter, and I heard an annoying beeping I had barely noticed before speed up. The voice I now recognized as Jesse's seemed to start talking again shakily. 'Just please... Open your eyes... Please, I can hear the heart monitor speeding up, I've called the Doctor up, you’re going to be fine, just please wake up, please. It's going to be okay, it's going to be fine...It has to be.' He shut off the rambling for a few seconds, then: 'You know, we don't even know what happened. You haven't had a panic attack since the beginning...' He paused then shifted his weight on the bed next to me. 'She's over here, Doc'

Wait a minute... Jesse, my Jesse, the Jesse Jacobs... Just confessed his love for me... Well, shit.

My eyes flew open. I could feel the panic making it's way inside of me, seeping into my bones, and mind. My eyes met Jesse's for a split second, and I knew that he knew I had heard everything. I looked away, and didn't look back: I didn't want to see the hurt in his face. But I couldn't, I couldn't love again. I would only get hurt.

And suddenly I felt trapped, broken, and trapped. I needed my escape. I needed the woods. Because I might have feelings for Jesse but I couldn't admit to them. Not now. Maybe not ever. Now I remembered that one thing from my past life of sadness and abuse, it convinced me even more of one thing. I could not, and would not love again. Because all love had ever brought me was pain.

I sat up in the bed, ripped the IVs and tubes out of my arms, swung my legs over the side of my bed, and stood up. I'm sorry, I mouthed at Jesse, and he looked down at his hands that were folded in his lap. And I really was. Sorry I mean.

And then I did the only thing I knew how to do.

I ran.