The Girl with Cat's Eyes

C H A P T E R 28

Stares

Whispers

Sympathetic smiles

Can't they just leave me alone

For a while

Can't they see

That by faking sympathy

It just brings back the memories

C H A P T E R 28

It was horrid.

It had been a week, and I was getting tired of those smiles, the way people would stop talking as I walked into a classroom or the canteen. Some even had the nerve to come and ask me questions. By the time Friday came round, I just wanted the weekend.

It came, it went. I did homework, talked with Jess, and he told Sarah everything I'd told him. I valued the time, and was glad of the break but it went too quickly, and soon I was back with my too small, too tight shirt, too short skirt, to baggy jumper, and old tipexed satchel, on my way to school once again.

I had hoped that over the weekend it would have died down a little, blown over, but it hadn't. Silence followed me, silence and whispers. Lilly, Emma, Jesse, Josh, James and Sam all acted normally, though they were a little careful of what they said. I didn't mind. I understood. I would have been the same had I just found that out from Lilly of Em.

We walked through the gates, met James, Sam and Lilly at the front door, and talked on the way to form time.

'So, I talked to Chels...' James started.

'What'd she say?' Asked Jesse.

'She said that... um... Kat got what she deserved, you know, that she was warned...' I saw Jesse's fists clench, and touched him on the shoulder. He relaxed, and James carried on. 'She also said that, although she may have deserved it, um... She didn’t take the recording. She found it in her inbox, you know, someone had emailed it to her. '

'Who?' Asked Lilly.

'That's the thing, she has no idea. The email address, well, it was anonymous.'

'Weird.' said Jess.

I shrugged. I didn't care who recorded it, or who sent it. It was out now, and no one could take it back.

By lunch, I was getting annoyed. The stares, and the questions, the whispers and rumors that followed me. I hated it. And so when Mandy something-or-other came up to me to give me her 'deepest sympathies' and ask about whether 'it hurt', just so she could go back to her friends and tell them everything, I snapped.

I completely, and utterly, snapped.

I stood up on the table, just like Chelsea had, and then I spoke.

'Hey...'

People carried on talking.

'Oi, you lot!' I shouted. Everyone turned to look at me. My stomach flipped. Maybe this was not such a good idea, after all. Oh, well. I couldn't stop now. I let out a shaky breath.

'So you want to hear me talk? Huh? Guess what? I am! You want to know about how my mum was suicidal and depressed? About how my Dad blamed me for her death, and beat the shit out of me every day? About he was a drunk and an alcoholic? You want to know about how my eyes were often so swollen I couldn't see, 'cause of the bruising? About how once he broke nearly every bone in my body? Do you? Do you want to offer your greatest sympathies? To pretend you understand, when really, you have no fucking idea, you just want to go tell your friends? So fine. I'll tell you all, everything!

'My Dad beat me every day for fifteen years, my mum was dead, and I met Levi. And then I fell in love with him, and by some strange fucking miracle he fell in love with me. In those days, he kept me alive. But then, do you know what happened? ' I looked around at the schools shocked and ashamed faces. 'His stupid fucked up brother came, and ruined what little life I had. He said he was in love, sent me so-called love letters, presents that reminded him of my blood, fucked up shit like that. And then, one day after school he raped me. Do any of you know what that feels like? How horrid, how dirty, how used you feel?’ I paused. ‘I didn't think so!

'And then, guess what happened, oh wait, I forgot, you already know, from the recording. Oh well, I guess I'll fucking tell you anyway, shall I? I got pregnant with my rapist, stalker and boyfriends brothers' baby. But could I keep that? No, course I couldn't. Dad beat me up so badly when I was four months pregnant, especially my stomach, and I had a miscarriage. Not only that, but then a few months later, Levi died. I have no idea how, 'cause I have amnesia in places. But Levi died, as did my baby. My dad beat me up more than ever, and soon my stalker would be getting out of prison. And I remember nothing from then on.

'So now I guess you know. Are you glad? Happy that the mute girl spoke, that finally, you know every tiny, little fucking thing about me? Well, you're not getting anymore, so take what you can, because I will never speak to anyone of you accept maybe Jess, Lilly, Em and the rest of the group, about my past ever again. So stop asking questions, making up rumors, and acting weirder than usual around me. Yeah, my life was shit. But now, it's getting better again. Don't let it go downhill because of the way you treat me, yeah?'

Then I sat down and started to eat my sandwich. There was silence, they were still staring.

'What? Don't you people eat?'

Gradually the talking started back up again, and then Lilly, insane as she was, started to laugh, and soon, all eight of us had joined in.

I didn’t know why, and I’m not sure they did either, but  it was nice, and I felt free.

Finally I could be myself, without the weight of my father hanging on my shoulder.