So....
I know that I'm probably a teribble person and that you hate me for the lack of updates and short chapters and my excuses and the list goes on. Recently my life hasn't been stable, I lost friends, a relationship, my family was literally falling apart because my sister is going through divorce and this just fucked us up. I know that some of you might think " What do you have to do with YOUR SISTER'S divorce?" It's just that it wasn't easy seeing her crying 24/7 with a three year old daughter who understands nothing and whenever she sees her mother like that she panics. Her father was a very irresposible father, he had no role in her life and he doesn't even care if they walk out of his life and he made it pretty clear. So seeing my sister having break downs every now and then and my parents yelling made me pretty depressed and changed me ALOT.
I became really quite, Like sometimes I hate talking and some days I just wake up all ready to spend the day without saying a word. Anxiety gets the best of me which never used to happen, when I go in public or if there was a family reunion I feel like I wanna crawl in the corner and cry my eyes out and when I think about it, sometimes I actually start crying. A month ago or something my class wanted to hang out and there was like, 15-16 girls or so. I got invited by one of my friends and I was all ready to go, I told my mother and she agreed, five minutes later I found myself ready to break down and I was standing in front of her trying so hard not to cry and telling her that I don't wanna go. She was really confused by my behaviour but before she could ask any questions I started crying really hard that my body was shaking so bad and I felt like I'd faint any minute. I tried to explain to her how I feel about it and why I chose not to go. The reason was that I felt like if did actually go, I'd feel so left out and might in fact start crying really hard because I'd feel like I can't form a word or talk without stuttering or feeling so awkward. And why do I actually feel so bad about becoming like that? It's because I never used to be like that, I've never been this quite, I used to have a lot of friends even if they're not "close" friends, I used to always be super hyper and usually when your'e the youngest of your siblings you're always the joker, like I have a bit of a tom boy personality and I'm always making everyone laugh and talkative and I'm always messing around. But I'm not like that anymore.
Like, I do it actually and I'm trying as hard as I can to make my family happy, but I feel like I'm faking it. Like I'm actually acting and that I'm lying to myself before anybody else. The worst part is that some days I wake up and I feel like I just can't act or fake it anymore. And I'm silent again.
The reason why I'm telling you this and literally spilling my heart out to you guys is because I can't keep up with this story anymore. During the vacation I was mentally unable to do anything, and believe me when I say that I wanted to do A LOT during this summer, and by that I don't mean travelling, going out, shopping and just having fun. I mean, learning how to play guitar, taking courses to improve my English and eventually completing this story, that was my kind of fun. But I just couldn't. Everything was going down, and with my school starting tomorrow I can't continue writing. Even the Plot that I had in my mind for this story feels like it's been simply erased.
I feel bad, this is very uncomfortable to write and it feels like I've let you guys down. Writing a book/story was simply something that I've always dreamed of and sharing my fantasies with you felt amazing cause you've been so good to me with all your comments and votes and DM's. All in all, I love you guys, I really do. You may not know but your comments and messages literally made my days, and sometimes I'd just go through your comments and I might crack up because they're just so funny and relatable like that. You supported me although my writing was not that good to deserve your amazing support.
I'm sorry, for the lack of updates and shitty short chapters and everything I made that made you upset.
I'll try to pick myself up and become better, but I'll not be able to continue with this story. I'll not delete it, I'll leave it the way it is, with it's weird imagination and terrible spelling/grammar mistakes. When I'm ready, I might delete this one and write a new one from scratch, but till then I'll not be able to write anything and again, I'm so sorry for that.
I love you guys, from the bottom of my heart.
