Conversations With Ana

14

14

It'd been a full week since I'd seen or talked to Gordon.

No one brought him up in fear that I would have a break down again like at the hospital.

Everyone was tiptoeing around me carefully, probably trying to keep me from falling apart.

But the truth was, I didn't care.

I didn't care one bit.

I didn't care because it wasn't like I was talking to them.

I hadn't talked to any of them since that day, I'd fallen silent.

The only person I'd talk to since me and Gordon's fight, was Kylie.

We'd grown closer since the incident, whispering and giggling to each other all day.

I was talking to Kylie when Alison came into my room, exactly a week after that day.

We both quickly fell silent and stared at her, waiting for her to say what she had to say.

She seemed uneasy as she stood in the doorway, avoiding eye contact with me.

Did they really think that I was that crazy?
I wasn't crazy at all.

She cleared her throat and said: "Gordon's coming back. They wanted to tell me in case you wanted to see him."
I didn't want to see him.

Not one bit.

He didn't deserve to be forgiven for how bad he had hurt me in the past two weeks.

Alison seemed to understand that I wasn't going to say anything.

She doesn't want to see him.

I smiled at Kylie, thankful for her effort, though she couldn't be heard.

Instead of saying anything to Alison, I shook my head.

Alison bit her lip but nodded and left my room.

I'm surprised he's even back here, honestly. He's insane.

I forced a laugh though I barely had any air left in my lungs.

He may have hurt me, but I missed him.

And I couldn't help but wonder what had made him swallow that bleach that night.

Ana? You don't actually miss him, do you?

I looked at Kylie, who was frowning, her eyes full of worry as she looked me over.

"No. Don't be silly. You're right. He's insane, crazy."

Even as I said the words, I knew they were lie.

He wasn't crazy.

He wasn't insane.

He was hurt and broken, desperate for a way out, just like me.

Kylie began to talk again, I wasn't sure what about though, because I was too busy looking out the window.

I watched and watched and watched, waiting.

I reached out and pressed my palm against the glass as I saw the black car drive up.

He was here.

I swallowed hard, trying to make my tears go away.

I didn't miss him.

All he did was hurt me.

A voice in the back of my head, a traitorous voice, reminded me that he saved me from the boy in the city and he held me while I cried for Kyle.

"Your full name is Ana-Marie. I didn't know that."

My lips parted, as if a gasp was waiting to pass through them, but the gasp never came, the air sticking in my throat, causing me to choke.

Finally, I was able to breathe again, letting out a loud exhale then breathing in deeply.

I licked my lips and asked: "How do you know that?"

"Dr. Arden and Andrew called you that the other day. It's a pretty name. Why did you shorten it?"

I didn't answer him.

I didn't turn around and face him.

Kylie glared daggers at him, resting a hand on my shoulder.

I wanted her to move it.

I wanted it off.

I didn't want to be touched.

I bit my lip hard, trying to refrain from shouting, but I just couldn't.

I whipped my head around and shouted at her: "Get your hand off of me!"

Kylie's eyes widened and she removed her hand, shocked by my sudden outburst.

I was shocked too.

Everyone fell silent and all I could hear was our heartbeats and breathing, making me want to weep.

I wished there was one less beating heart, one less set of working lungs.

Mine.

My eyes slid shut and I crumpled in upon myself.

"Ana? Was that a hallucination you were yelling at?"

"I thought you swallowed bleach. Why're you here? Why aren't you in solitude?"

I winced at the tone of my voice, wishing I didn't always sound so harsh, so mean.

"They thought it'd be better if I stayed with you since we get along so well."

I was quiet then I asked: "Did it hurt when you swallowed that bleach?"

"No."

"You weren't going to say goodbye to me?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it. You would convince me out of it."

I took deep, slow breaths, trying not to scream.

He was right.

I would've convinced him out of it.

"Do you hate me, Ana...?"

I bit my lip hard, tasting blood as I said: "No I don't. But I can't really be friends with you right now. Can I have some time?"

"As long as you don't hate me, then yes."

"Great."

He stood there for another few minutes but then he walked away and I listened to his footsteps, counting them.

I waited.

His door slammed shut.

I waited again.

His music began to blare.

I pressed my ear against the wall and closed my eyes, listening to his music.

As I began to cry, I whispered: "I wish you knew how much I liked you. I really do."