The War of .Zip (Working Title)

Chapter 37: It was a confusing time.

Wullie McUnicorn strode over the hill, the paint slowly dribbling down the left side of his half painted face.

''It be 'ere lads! Oor new home.'' Wullie lifted his slender, furry paw into the sky and his thousands of followers did the same, chanting and laughing as they did so. ''Bring for'th the wee magic man!'' Wullie commanded.

''Do'ye think it wise cap'n? I mean, the man makes it a teensy wee' bit unfair on the others.'' Wullies faithful follower, Scotty, asked him.

''We deserve ta' win this war, Scotty. Aye, this'll be a wee' bit auf cheating, but it'll be worth it.'' Wullie reassured him. ''Bring it 'ina here.'' The two embraced for several minutes whilst they waited for the ''magic man'' to reach the front lines. ''We'll get the burrowing bastards, Scotty. Doncha' worry 'bout that.''

Mike Magic marched forward in his natural black and white suit with white-fingered gloves pulled over his fingerless fin-wings. He seemed far too civilized and neat to be affiliated with the likes of these long haired, tall, energetic lot.

''You called?''

''Yes me boy.'' Wullie grabbed Mike by the shoulder and pulled him to his side whilst pushing Scotty out of his arms. ''Ye' see that there city down there ya do?''

''Yes.'' Mike said.

''It's under the large chair like thing. Ye' see it?'' Wullie made sure they were on the same page. He'd made that mistake a few too many times.

''Yes, Wulllie, I do.''

''Excellent. I need ya' ta' go and magic it for us. Canna' do that for us lad?'' Wullie locked eyes with Mike and, feeling a vibe, leant forward and closed his eyes.

''YES!'' Mike squawked quickly, interrupting Wullies advances. ''I'll...just go...'' He lifted Wullies arm off him and retreated. ''...do that now.'' And with that Mike retreated to his cabin. He'd spent the last weeks mixing his mystic ways with that of the warrior. The result had been a belt of magic wands each loaded with its own bouquet of flowers, packs of playing cards with offensive slurs on its front rather than numbers and a large top hat that they were hoping would be able to give them the element of surprise once Mike entered the city.

Now, Mike strutted forward towards the city, ready to entertain them to death.

''Be ye' well, Mike Magic, Master of the Mystic and manly, manly, sexy, hunky, muscular, flamboyant, fuckable, -'' Wullie was quickly hushed by Scotty who calmed the salivating hare down.

Mike slid down the hill on his stomach and then surfaced just before the field of shattered bone. He managed to cross it without too much scratching of his feet, and now he stood in the river armies camp.

''Come on then, have at ye'!'' Mike shouted, as per Wullies instructions.

Soldiers stepped out from tents far in front of him, so Mike grabbed a wand in both of his flipper-wings and approached them menacingly. As he got closer the guards prepared themselves for a fight.

But there would be no fight.

Mike Magic was the most powerful magician this universe had ever known.

His flipper-wings were so subtle and quick that he could rip one head off a echidna's dick and no one would know.

His body was a flabby mass of sexy hunky masculinity (in the words of Wullie).

His eyes were pretty standard.

He jumped forward and rolled along the ground, jumped up and shot the flowers at the river guards.