I Hate You, I Love You

Chapter 15: Beating Hearts

Dinah spun us around before setting me down. She smiled. "So, girlfriend, we've come a long way. Remember when you couldn't stand me?"

"I think that had more to do with me than with you."

She kissed me on the cheek. "I'll listen when you're ready to talk about it."

We walked along the beach, hand in hand. She was right. As I thought about where we were at now compared to where we started, we had come a long way. We still had a ways to go, but to get there our relationship needed to built on honesty and trust. Up until this point, Dinah had been honest with me and now it was my turn. I stopped suddenly. "Can we talk?"

"Okay."

Leading us away from the water, I plopped myself down on the warm, dry sand, pulling her down next to me. I moved the sand around with my fingers as I tried to figure out where to start.

She rubbed my back. "Take your time."

Taking a deep breath, I started from the beginning. "When I moved out here from Miami, I was fresh out of high school and naive about most things, especially when it came to love. I was staying with Ally until I met her. Riley and I met while I was attending my very first gallery opening. She was blonde, tattooed, had a killer smile and charmed me right out of my pants," I laughed sardonically, remembering how easily it had been for her to get me into bed and how quickly everything afterwards happened.

"I was nervous the same thing would happen when I met you," I couldn't look at Dinah as I said the words, feeling terrible for thinking she was anything like Riley. Dinah continued to rub my back, but didn't say a word.

"After a week, I moved out of Ally's and into Riley's small, one bedroom apartment. I had no idea what it meant to be in love, but I thought that's what we were, young and in love. We spent every second together and though Ally had a bad feeling about her, I didn't care," shaking my head, I couldn't believe I hadn't listened to Ally at the time. "Once I had moved in, there was a dramatic shift. Everything she said prior to me moving in had been a lie. She used to say my artwork was impressive, that I had an eye for capturing the mundane and making it extraordinary. But after, she mocked everything I painted."

"That's why you don't want me to see your work?" Dinah asked.

With a sigh, I nodded. She kissed my shoulder as I continued. "She was controlling and wouldn't let me go out, even to visit with friends, unless she was by my side. I couldn't even check the mail alone. She ridiculed me in front of her friends and accused me of cheating daily, when I found out it was her who was cheating." Watching as the sand slipped between my fingers, it was a perfect metaphor for my life during that time. "I was losing my grip. I had no control over what I did anymore and I was scared. Scared because I had lost touch with Ally. Scared because her violent words became physical manifestations taken out on the drywall. Scared because even my art no longer offered me the freedom of escape."

A tear rolled down my face. Dinah wiped it away. "Do you want to stop?"

Shaking my head, I pressed on. "I knew I had to get out before Riley stopped putting holes in the walls and started in on me." I could tell Dinah was getting upset because her hand stopped caressing my back and her jaw tightened. Kissing her cheek, I tried to reassure her. "She never laid a hand on me, but I was scared she might. One night we had plans to go out. I always went with her, but not as her girlfriend or even as someone she cared about. No, I was allowed to go with her so she could parade me around as some kind of trophy." Well, that night I had a plan. "We were at the night club and when she disappeared with some girl I took her keys, drove back to the apartment and packed my stuff. Ally picked me up and I never looked back."