My Horrible Ex-Husband

Chapter Eleven: Eli's Most Horrible Suggestion

I woke up the very next morning, after visiting my mother, on the floor in my boxers. I don’t know how I got on the floor, but I was. My neck was stiff and my legs were numb. After adjusting to the world of living, I stretched my back out, glancing at my bed to see Eli snoring away underneath my covers. I must have been intoxicated if I let Eli sleep in my bed last night.

I shoved him angrily, waking him up out of his sleep. The bastard had taken advantage of my inebriation.

“Eli! Get up,” I growled pushing his shoulder. He let out a deep moan as his eyes flickered open.

“Good morning to you too,” he replied groggily, rubbing his eyes. “How did you sleep?”

“Not well! I woke up on the floor,” I snorted. “I hope you were comfortable.”

“Oh I slept well,” he chuckled, stretching his arms out as he rose out of bed. I screamed as I saw he was completely nude. He not only had the nerve to sleep in my bed but he did completely naked. I was going to murder Eli. I was going to suffocate him in his sleep.

“You slept in my bed naked?” I said slowly processing this. This had to be a dream because it definitely wasn’t real life.

“Yeah and you threw up on me,” Eli retorted. “I guess we’re even.”

Having said that, he strolled into the bathroom, turning the shower on. I stood there in complete and utter shock. I couldn’t believe Eli had slept in my bed in the nude. The stupid prick! First, he cheats on me then he brings me to my mother’s house, and now he sleeps in my bed naked. He has got to go. That insurance check was not coming fast enough.

 I was so glad that I had to go to work this morning. Going to work meant that I did not have to deal with Eli’s stupidity. So, I got dressed and stayed at my mundane job for as long as I possibly could. When I came home, it was deathly silent. That was never good sign – not when you had guests in your home. I closed the door softly behind me, and walked upstairs to see that no one was home. That was weird.

I glanced at my watch in confusion; everyone should have gotten home at least an hour ago. A half an hour later, Eli, Michelle and Michael walked through the front door laughing and grinning like fools. Hold on a minute – they had all been together?

“Where have you guys been?” I asked curiously.

“Dad took us out for pizza,” Michelle replied as she walked upstairs.

“Oh I nodded as Michael slapped Eli a high five.

“You and I can talk about that later,” Eli winked. “Do your homework, you too!”

What the hell? Was I in the twilight zone? Since when did Eli become super dad? That was my title. I was the reigning champion. Who did he think he is coming in here and stealing the affection of my children? Just a few weeks ago, he could care less about them. All he worried about was work.

“You took them out for pizza?” I mumbled sitting on the couch.

“Yeah I would have brought you along but I really wanted to spend some time with Michael and Michelle without you,” Eli replied. “You know I want them to know that I’m here for them too.”

“Ok,” I shrugged.

“I did bring you back some pizza though,” he said handing me a bag. “It’s your favorite, mushrooms and peppers.”

Now, he was just being a sycophant.

“Thanks,” I replied placing the bag beside me.

“Caleb – you and I need to talk,” Eli started. “I want to talk about us.”

“Us? There is no us,” I retorted. “You ruined that prospect as soon as James came along.”

“I broke up with him for you,” Eli huffed.

“For me? Oh please,” I snorted. “I don’t believe you, Eli. You’ll say anything. You’re a liar and I don’t trust you.”

“I lie,” he admitted. “I lied about a lot of things, Caleb. But I never lied about my feelings for you. I care about you – you were my first and my only husband. You are the father of my children. You are the first man I ever really loved.”

“You watch too many soap operas,” I snorted. “If you think you’re going to win me back with those lies, then you are just as stupid as I thought.”

“Caleb, I made a lot of mistakes,” Eli replied. “You don’t have to believe anything I say, but I’m not giving up on you. I will pursue you until you give in.”

“What if I never do?” I asked playing devil’s advocate.

“Oh you will,” he replied with confidence. “I know you.”

I rolled my eyes. I hated when he said that. He thinks just because we were together for six years, he knows everything about me. I lived with my mother for twenty-one years of my life and she still doesn’t really know me.

“I think we should go to couple counseling,” Eli suggested.

What did he just say?

“Huh.”

“Couples counseling,” Eli replied. “You and I – Don’t worry I’ll pay for it. I was talking to one of my coworkers today and she told me that her and her husband really benefitted from it. She even gave me her therapist’s card.”

Eli was definitely out of his mind. I believe it now. He took our kids out to dinner and now he was suggesting couples counseling? He didn’t even want to try that when we were married or was it me? I don’t remember. I don’t do therapists. They always turn one little action into something psychological as if you thought that far ahead about it.

“Couple’s counseling? You believe in that bullshit,” I huffed. “I don’t want to do it.”

“Caleb, please,” Eli asked. “I just want us to work through this. Can you just try one session? One session? That’s all I’m asking and if you do that, then I’ll do something for you.”

“Something like what?” I asked immediately interested by the offer.

“Anything you want me to do,” he shrugged.

“Ok, um – how about you go and jump off a bridge?” I snorted sarcastically. Eli rolled his eyes at me, as I chuckled. He wasn’t amused at all which made it funnier.

“Caleb, I was being serious,” Eli replied. “Could you be serious please? I’m pouring my heart out here.”

“Fine! Eli! Fine! I’ll do the damn couples counseling, ok? Happy?” I huffed.

“Don’t do it for me, Caleb,” he replied. “Do it for us.”

He was already sipping on that therapy Kool-Aid. I rolled my eyes as I walked away from him. I could not handle him right now. I can’t believe I had agreed to go to couple’s counseling. Who would have ever guessed?