I'm In Love With My Brother's Best Friend ⇻ Levi Jones The Tide Fan Fiction

« chapter seventeen »

Over the past few days Levi has been helping me with my insecurity problem and it was really sweet of him. He'd helped me quite a lot but not enough for me to upload something without makeup.

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Today I was taking some photos of the boys and it was harder then I thought!

They're really good when they're with someone they've never met. Meaning they'd do what the photographer asked but with me they were running around being their usual idiot selves

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"Cmon guys at least let me take a few normal pictures" I asked as they finally did what I said

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After literally taking a few they were mucking around again.

It didn't bother me that much since I liked taking photos of them being themselves but sometimes it was really frustrating trying to get them to listen.

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It had been about 4 hours of taking photos and I was done. Jet lag hit me a night or two ago and after a day of trying to take pictures of the boys I was beyond tired.

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We got back to the hotel and the boys were doing more tour vlogs and I was looking around on Twitter.

'I asked Rhylee for a pic the other day at the airport and she told me to leave her alone #notafananymore' I saw this tweet from some girl being posted everywhere on my timeline.

Everyone screenshot it and posted it or had their own opinions and do I thought I'd explain.

'I'm sorry I told you I wasn't in the mood for pictures but I swear it's not because I don't care about fans'

'Then what was it?' Everyone asked and I knew I'd have to explain everything to them about that one day.

That one day that I haven't explained to anyone! Not even the boys or Madison!

I know I probably should but I was scared.

I mean it'd probably seem quite stupid to others but to me, it really hurt.

I didn't know weather I was going to upload it or not but I had to express it and what better way to do so then to a camera.

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"So this is the scariest thing I've ever recorded. As many know I'm quite a private person. I don't tell the Internet that much about me. You know the basics. And that's all I'd ever wanted out. But since it's starting a bit of drama among Twitter and all that I figured I had to make this" i said looking down

"The reason I'd told fans that I wasn't in the mood to take pictures is basically because I wasn't in the mood. Earlier when I was in Ohio I admitted to my mum that I was feeling really depressed and that I didn't want to come on tour. She kept telling me I was overreacting and that I was just nervous of flying to another country for so long. I kept trying to explain it was more then that but she kept telling me I was an idiot. I had the courage to tell her I was depressed. Most teens don't even tell their pets and I went straight to my mum yet she called me a faker and an idiot. Of course that made me feel worse so coming on tour was the last thing I wanted to do. As you clearly see though I got forced on tour"

"I'm not going to explain why I'm feeling depressed because that's a video for when I'm more confident to express my feelings on the Internet but I want to say that I'm still feeling depressed. I'm not saying this for attention or just as an excuse I'm just trying to express my feelings and I really don't want to explain all this to someone face to face right now so talking to a camera is probably the best thing right now"

"I know I need to see someone. I've fallen asleep every night for a week hoping that I don't wake up the next morning and it scares me. That's the last thing I think of before I sleep. It's not intentional I swear. I'd love to think of something beside death before I fall asleep! I honestly want to get help so badly! I want to be home in Ohio getting help!! I can't get help on tour because we're in a place for 1-5 days then were gone and that's not enough time"

"Anyway to get to why I was being a tad bitchy at the airport apart from the fact I was tired is because I was dying. Most days I crave taking pills or cutting or whatever. I don't know why! It's not intentional! I'm just so sad and depressed that somewhere in my mind I just want to die rather then fix everything"

"Look this video probably meant nothing to you but it meant a lot to me. I dread talking to people about my feelings so I'm putting them on the Internet for those people who I don't want to tell face to face to find and understand how I'm feeling"

"Before I end the video I just wanted to say I'm sorry if you've related to this video. I really am. I understand that you feel like absolute shit but please try to get help. Talk to your parents! Tell your cat! Tell you're best friends! Tell anyone who will listen and get help. Please guys I beg of you please get help! Also I'd like to apologize to the boys and my family. Especially Levi, Nate and Maddie. I couldn't bare to see your faces when I told you. I'm so sorry. I really am" I said ending the video.