Less Than Three

Chapter 31: Of Teeter Totters and the Consequences of Shifting

9:12 PM I Hate myself.

About Jacob: Who would think a kid like that would have actual theories? I was prepared for him to hand my butt to me when I stepped into the coffee shop. He didn't. Instead, he calmly explained the way things work, which is: "We live on a teeter totter."

"What are you talking about?" I said.

"Jeez, Summer, will you shut your mouth and listen for once?"

Okay, I could do that.

The chai he ordered for me grew cold while he talked about swingsets and monkey bars and big, twisty slides. "Stop," I told him, holding my head.

"You still don't get it?" he asked.

No, frankly, I didn't. And if this had anything to do with Dave and me, or Brady and me, or me at all, I wished he would get to the freaking point.

"It might seem like the whole world is our playground," he started up again, "but all it takes is one person to shift their weight and then, BOOM, somebody's going to crash, and maybe take a few other playmates down with them."

Kiersten came over then with a dollop of extra whipped cream for Jacob's mochachino. He straightened in his seat and waited for her to leave.

"See, if you dump Brady, then everything changes. Everyone has to choose sides. And you? You might be okay. You'll still have Craig anyway." He stirred the cream until it melted into a sugary swirl. "What about Dave? Who picks his side?"

I started to say ... something ... like maybe, 'Who are you to talk about teeter totters, when you ...?' But it hit me then, it didn't matter so much who was talking as what he was talking about. Jacob might be a jerk but what he said was probably true.

Which is why I agreed to go to the Windmill Days kick off concert with him and Madison ... and Brady. And why I agreed to keep my butt firmly planted on the same old, same old side of the teeter totter, at least until I thoroughly considered the consequences of shifting.

***

Turns out Jacob didn't need my help with Madison. Two-point-three seconds after we met the boys at the fairground, he and Mad were engaged in deep tonsil diving, right in front of Brady and me.

I tried not to feel frustrated about it. After all, I had agreed with Jacob. The smart thing to do was to wait and consider, to figure it all the way through before I made any big move in one direction or another. But that didn't mean everything had to go back exactly the way it was between Brady and me either.  

But you know what my dad says: monkey see, monkey do.  

So. There. We. Were. 

Jacob and Madison swapping spit twelve inches away. 

Me and Brady.

He opened his arms. I stepped into them.

There was a certain degree of comfort in his caress. And when I factored in what Jacob had implied – that Madison would be crushed, that Brady would be pissed, that Dave would be left friendless and alone – it wasn't so hard to think the world, or at least our little corner of the playground, would be better off that way.

Brady buried his face in my neck while I tried with all my might to feel ... something. If not a fire, then at least a spark. Maybe flames were overrated.

That was what I was telling myself anyway, as Brady squeezed me tighter, and positioned his face in a way that meant he was about to cover my mouth with his. A fear took me over then, like maybe I wouldn't be able to breathe. I wanted to deny it, to push it down deep and out of the way. Just do this. Just do this. Just do this, I told myself.

And I might have. I had already tilted my head to better fit against Brady's. I had even begun to close my eyes but, at the last nano-second before they shut, something registered in my optic nerve.

And really, is that fair? My brain can't even keep track of my blood, but send a particular boy sauntering along the horizon, at the very worst possible moment in the history of worst possible moments, and Bing! Surveillance systems = GO! Brady's lips touched mine just as Dave and I locked vision. It was the last thing I remember.

And then I was lying on the ground, with Madison fanning me, and Jacob's face above me, eyebrows raised. One side of me was cold as ice. The other side felt lit by fire. I turned to the cold, where Brady held my hand. 

"Jeez, Summer, what the hell was that?" he said.

And on the other side? The side that threatened to burn? Dave.

All I can say is, thank you, Jesus (and the weather man), because the earth shook with thunder, the skies opened up and rain, blessed rain, fell in sheets. It was almost enough to hide my tears.

<3