51 Shades of Mumu

Chapter 12

    The morning following my devastating breakup from Gorden, I came into school looking like a slob in a baggy sweater with ice cream and booger stains on it; I had spent the entirety of last night sobbing while consuming buckets of ice cream and watching movie adaptions of Nicholas Sparks novels. I called and texted Gorden numerous times, apologizing for everything but he just wouldn't respond. The thought of him not being in my arms depressed me greatly, and I couldn't even fathom the idea of him being with another woman.

    While I was at my locker, not making out with Gorden as I usually did, Andre came out of nowhere and stood beside me. Oh no, now is not the time, I thought to myself. As much as I wanted to converse with him, I feared for my life as well. What if that person spreading rumors was nearby? Everyone was now a suspect.

    "Mumu, uhm...we need to talk," Andre asserted, throwing one end of his feather boa over his shoulder. "Like right now."

     I sighed heavily. Why did everyone need to talk to me all of a sudden? I just wanted to be left alone to wallow in my own misery.

    "What is it, Andre?" I asked.

    "So...I heard from sources that, like, we have a thing for each other, and—"

    "Who did you hear that from?" I interrupted.

     "Benny. He was brewing up some of his laced milkshakes in one of the bathroom stalls, and he overheard some guys talking about you," He explained to me. If Benny heard it from someone, then perhaps he wasn't the criminal here. But then again, no one can take his words into account; he's Benny, the boy who was stoned twenty-four/seven. "But that's so not the point." He sighed, smoothing out his next season H&M shirt. I just realized how much more fashionable he looked than I did, and it made me feel like shit. "Look, Mumu, you're a sweet girl, but...but...how do I say this? Mumu...I prefer the wiener to the bun."

    "W-what?"

  "Mumu...I'm, like, 200% gay. I'm totes into guys." My whole world stopped for a second. Andre...gay? But that's impossible! He was practically oozing in masculinity, and there were virtually no signs that he could be gay. I was in a state of pure shock.

    "I can't believe it..."

    "It's true. I'd rather bang Benny than anyone else in this school. Ugh, I want to grasp his gorgeous blond locks while we—" He cut himself short when he saw horror crawl up on my face. "Sorry about that, gurl. But we can still be friends, right?" I nodded slowly, trying to take out the homoerotic image Andre planted in my head. "Cool beans! So, I'll see ya, later. I'm gonna go try to find my boy Ben-Ben." With that, he strutted towards the boys bathroom as if the hallway was his catwalk.

*

    "Well, now that you mention it, he did seem a tad gay," Ronan stated while picking at her sandwich. It was lunchtime when I told my friend about Andre coming out to me.

    "A tad?" said Lydia. "More like a buttload." The mention of butts made me squirm in my seat. "Can you imagine finding him and Benny full-on making out? That's horrifying!"

    "Benny ain't got the hormones for that kind of shit," Kigurl reminded us. As she went on to further explain his lack of sexual desire, I gazed over at Gorden's table, where boys in polo shirts engaged in a card game. I longed to caress Gorden's milky face once again. I wanted him to get up from his table and bring me a tub of ice cream. Then I wanted him to sit next to me and comfort me while feeding me ice cream, promising to never leave my side ever again. But in reality, he wouldn't even look in my direction. I wanted to cry.

    What was I saying? I still have one boy interested in me; hunky Hoytt Quigley, which is gloriously massive afro. And this time, I was set on seducting him and making him feed me ice cream. But first, I'll have to get rid of his pasty sidekick named Faeleb.