It Was Just...

Chapter 1.

It's funny isn't it? Life. A sick twisted game of love and hardship.

But love. Sweet, sweet love is a force not to be entangled with. It's all nice at first. A warm blanket around your heart or those fluttering butterflies in the pit of your stomach. Everyone craves it. Everyone desires it. Everyone as in me.

It's not fun being this type of lonely. The type that sucks you into this dark trench of coldness and emptiness. I swear I've never felt so lost.

The type that would make you ponder about the smallest little things. And then sadness. Unexplained sadness would walk over you and do as it pleased.

It would beat you down until the last drop of hope was lost in your eyes. Until you didn't have the will to even try anymore. And that...that is my life.

"Rosalyn, Rosalyn. It's time for your meds."

I get up from watching the rain drops dance on the windowsill and place my coffee mug down. I stand and wait for her. My Jessie.

Jessie is my aunt. My only aunt a matter of fact but specifically, she's my care taker. As for my parents, they're in a better place.

"There you are." Jessie sighs with relief as she walks through my room doors and up to me.

"Is it time already." I ask with a stiff smile.

"I'm afraid so.", she replies.

I take the pills out of her hand and throw them down my throat. I swallow hard as the same nasty feeling repeats itself.

"You may go now. As you can see, I'm fine."

I don't want her to be around me when the medicine starts to kick in. It's truly disgusting. The way they make you think your happy when your not.

She turns and walks out. I sigh with relief and go back to my coffee mug.

I take long sips as I look out onto the pouring rain. If only I could be free like that. Free to realize the truth of my life.

To see things as they really are. But I'm crazy. Well that's what the doctors say anyways. Ha, if they only knew. Maybe I wouldn't be in this situation.

Later that day...

I sit at the edge of my bed and brush my hair. My thin white night gown rolls as the breeze from outside dances with it.

I laugh. An uncontrollably laugh. Just then Jessie walks in.

"Rosalyn, why do you have the window open?"

I can see the concern written all over her face.

"If you think I'm going back to those things, you're wrong. I'm 23. I can take care of myself."

Another laugh erupts from me.
Dammit.

Being here, right now is antagonizing. I watch myself do all these things as I lay still in the deepest depths of my mind.

It's not real laughter nor is it fake. It is forced. Forced to the point where I'm tired of it. If I want to laugh, I should be the one to decide that. Not these stupid drugs.

"Come now, off to bed.", Jes says as she takes the brush away from me.

She gives me one last look and then finally leaves.

I get up from under the covers and reach for my book. I grab a pen and write down, "The giggling fool."

Every time Jessie gives me those pills, I write down what they do to me. Because one day, she'll feel the effects.

For the third time a laugh slips out of me. It's like a bullet hole through the real me and pretty soon, I become overwhelmed and the full effects take over.