Take Me Beyond Your Heart (sequel) boyxboy

*5*

*Nolan's POV*

I wasn't stupid. It had been months since Shane brought me flowers, and they were usually ones he'd take the time to pick from someone's garden without getting caught. All of a sudden, he was giving me a huge bouquet? Of white roses, might I add?

Something was up, and I feared he was ending this today. That was why I had suggested we do something fun together, so I could have one last memory with him before he let me go. Well, not let me go. According to Justin, he was never holding onto me. So, to reword that... I wanted one last memory with him before I let him go. That was better.

Shane must have thought that I'd catch some sleep, but how could I? I knew what was coming, and though I didn't know when, it would surely come. So I couldn't sleep. For what seemed like an hour or more, I pretended to get the rest he wanted me to have. I did try to doze off, but with my heart breaking, I couldn't.

I thought I did a pretty good job faking sleep. I controlled my breathing and made it slow and steady, though I couldn't help myself from drowning in his scent. My eyes stayed closed, and I let my body relax against his own. When I 'woke up', I made sure to stretch and heave a groggy sigh.

I felt Shane's warm lips press against my cheek, making me flush red.

"Did you dream about me?" he whispered. I rubbed my eyes.

"Sadly, no. Just... an empty sleep, you know." The sigh that followed wasn't me pretending to be sleepy. It was a sad sigh. "How long was I out?"

"Almost two hours."

Wow. "Oh, damn... do we still have time to -"

"Nolan, it's okay. It's almost two, we've got plenty time to do something fun."

"Have you thought of something? What do you suggest?" I asked. I'd do whatever he wanted me to. I really wanted to cook, but he didn't seem to be too fond of that idea.

Shane slipped his fingers through mine, intertwining them. He had a serious look on his face and that scared me. He was about to do it.

He was ending this right here, before I could make a final memory with him.

I willed myself -with all my might- I willed my mind to get me through this but my body disagreed. The first thing I felt was the constriction in my chest, as if it were collapsing.

I sucked in a quick breath before losing it.

Shane's expression flew from serious to worried. "Nolan?" He cupped my cheeks. "Nolan, hey."

"I'm sorr..." I lost my breath again. When I realized I couldn't find it, I went into panic mode.

I gripped his arm as my throat closed up. I shut my eyes, feeling myself tremble and gasp for air. I started sputtering frightened words, but they were all a jumbled mess that Shane couldn't understand.

"Nolan, it's alright." He pulled my closer, my back leaning against his chest. "Shh, don't talk. Just focus on your breathing."

I did as he told, breathing as I was taught to. Shane rubbed large circles on my back, whispering calming words to me.

"Breathe, Nolan," he soothed. I released my tight grip on his arm, but I still held onto him. He pulled me in and kissed me briefly. "You're okay now?" His gray eyes implored me to say yes.

I let in a smooth breath and breathed out, nodding.

"I'm sorry," I apologized.

"No. Don't be. I'm here for you. What was wrong?"

I shook my head. "I don't know."

His brows pulled together. "Sweetheart, something triggered your panic attack."

"I was diagnosed with panic disorder last year, Shane. There are no obvious reasons and triggers for my attacks anymore. It's a disorder, and it's bound to happen."

He embraced me. "I'm a huge jerk, aren't I?"

"Shane..." I sighed. I had to stop being a child and suck it up. "You were about to say something."

He let me go to look at me. Clearing his throat and grabbing my hand, he turned serious again.

I bit my lower lip, wanting him to just get it over with.

"Nolan, you're the only one who can get me through this. Listen... You have the kindest and most compassionate heart I've ever seen in a person, and I don't think anyone else can help me with this."

I squinted. That wasn't what I expected to hear. I thought it would be: it's been a great year, but I love Jace and I belong with him.

"Help how?" I queried.

He took a breath. "My uncle... You know he, um, he killed my dad while drunk. When he was sober, he realized he did it, and shot himself with the same gun he'd used. He wrote a note explaining what he did."

I rubbed his arm, letting him continue.

"I've hated him so much for what he did. But I've been burdened with so much hate, and when I look at you, all I see is love. And forgiveness, and... I have to forgive him. Obviously he didn't know he was a murderer when drunk." He let out a bitter chuckle, shaking his head. "But he took his own life. He didn't run away. He didn't try to lie and cover it up or hide. He regretted it, or else he wouldn't have killed himself."

"Shane..."

"If you could come with me, to his grave... That would make me really happy. I don't mean to put this on you, I just... I have to forgive him."

I nodded. "No, I completely understand. And I'd love nothing more than to be there for you."

He gave a weak smile. "Thank you, Nolan."

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