Always the Bride

3. The wedding

The only sound I hear is my heart pounding. An irritating, not so pleasant smell invades my nostrils. It's the perfume my sister doused me in only moments earlier. What did she use? I smell like a wet dog. If I could change I would but, well, I'm in my wedding dress, aren't I?

My wedding day is not going well thus far. It doesn't help that Mum insisted I get ready at her house rather than my own apartment. The only furniture in the spare room is a full length mirror and a dressing table. I haven't sat down for hours and my legs are already killing me.

Well, this is it. Today Gregory and I embark on a new life together. Our future is beginning. I'm over Marcus, I love my husband-to-be and I want to spend my life with him.

Why am I not happy? Why am I not jumping around, giddy with excitement? I thought all girls were supposed to be excited on their wedding day? What's wrong with me? I feel downright miserable.

My stomach starts churning. I run to the bedroom window, open it and stick my head out. Fresh air, I need fresh air.

The churning subsides but I keep my head stuck out the window a while longer. I only now realise how nice a day it is. In fact, it's a perfect day to get married. The clear blue sky is devoid of clouds and the sun is shining brightly. The air is warm, almost too warm, but the slight cool breeze takes the edge off of it.

If I was marrying someone I loved then this day would be perfect.

This thought is so unexpected my head starts to spin. Where did that come from? Oh god, I can't go thinking things like that! The churning returns with ferocity and I'm desperately taking big gulps of fresh air in order to stop myself from throwing up.

I'm fine, everything is fine. I'm just jittery. Cold feet, right? Every bride gets them, so I hear. Marriage is a big commitment, it's only normal to feel a small amount of fear.

This is not a small amount of fear, Teresa. You're making one big ugly mistake.

No! I'm not giving in! I refuse to freak out.

What is love?

What the heck? I know what love is! It's... it's when-

My blood runs cold as I realise I can't answer my own question. I'm just nervous, I can't think straight. That's all. I know what love is, it's what Gregory and I have. See? Simple.

Am I really in love? How do I know if I am?

Oh shut up already! I don't need this on my wedding day! I have agreed to marry Gregory, I love Gregory. No correct that, I am in love with Gregory and we will be happy together.

Whatever happened to fireworks, butterflies, cloud number nine?

No, stop doing this to me! That stuff is not important, it's a totally overrated feeling that romance novels talk about. It doesn't exist with real couples. I mean if it did, Gregory and I would definitely have them. When we kiss it's like...it's like...nice.

Detestable.

Oh god. Another feeling of nausea washes over me. There is no stopping the chunks of vomit that are forcing their way up. I whip my head back inside and run to the bathroom at lightning speed.

I reach the toilet and collapse to the floor, heaving into the bowl. When I stop vomiting what feels like all the food from the last week, I lean back against the door and close my eyes.

I'm fine, just cold feet, remember?

Suddenly the thoughts I've been trying so hard to hide away burst through like sunshine after rain. I can't stop them anymore.