Dedication: CrazilyAwesomeMe, thank you for all your sweet (and involving) comments, votes, and reads :) ♡ xx you're so lovely!
|| WARNING: May be triggering for some people || Long-ish Author's Note at the end! || Oh and Because Of You - Kelly Clarkson at the top! Hazel mentions it ||
Date: 19/03/16, Saturday night
Time: 3:14am (Technically Sunday morning)
Dear Mister Diary,
Who knew it was possible to feel this bad about yourself, about everything?
I did, but I never thought I would come to such a place. A place where I don't even want to exist anymore.
No, I don't want to commit suicide, but I don't want to be here anymore either. I don't want to live.
It's hard to explain, but that's how I feel.
I tore apart a disposable shaver today, ripping at it until the two flexible blades were able to come out easily.
I have yet to use them, though, it's a large possibility that I might.
The urge to do it, isn't because I feel numb as a lot if people would think, no, it's because I feel too much.
God, I feel way too much emotionally, that I need the physical and painful distraction.
Maybe this is what I deserve.
A life of hell, or no life at all.
And I know exactly which one I would choose if it was up to me. But it isn't. I don't want to hurt my uncle, my sister, my best friend, Liam, Cinderella, maybe even my mum, by killing myself.
But I don't know how much longer I can hang on by the thin thread that's just giving me more time to hurt. More time to contemplate my actions, my feelings, my thoughts.
Trent came over for round two today. When I refused, he had a go at me for 'teasing' him and how we've already done it so there shouldn't be a problem anymore, then I felt bad and we...
Yeah.
Why do I feel so damn dirty? It's been such a horrible day, I can't begin to fathom how tomorrow will be - well if we're being technical here, it's already Sunday morning, but I have yet to sleep which still makes it night.
It wasn't just Trent today either; Dad and I got into a small argument, about how I talk too much, when I had barely said a word all dinner.
But if I'm being honest here, I'm just glad that he didn't hit me. Which probably had to do
with the fact the house was full of family. Ivy, and our mum, at least.
I guess that he didn't want them knowing either.
And now I don't ever want to be alone at the house with him.
I wish I wasn't so afraid, I wish that he would get better or admit he's a grieving alcoholic. Because it's not just him that's hurting, it's the rest of us that have become collateral damage, and I'm not going to lie, it sucks.
YOU ARE READING
The Diary Of Hazel (Diary Series #1) | ✔
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