Project: ❌_________✖️
Добре, часът е точно 1:20 четвъртък (12.07.2018) хрумна ми и реших да започна това, за да погледна отгоре, глобално и цялостно на това какви чувства владеят ума ми ежедневно. Предполагам, че няма да ми е от голяма полза, но с това се надявам да взема някакво решение за по-нататъшно си развитие като човек.
I will use my English however bad it may be because it's easier for me to speak in a foreign language about this
Legend: (*) I have the need of
(✖️) I feel ok/good definitely not depressed/dysphoric or sad
(❌) I'm not ok/idk/ the world around me sucks;
(✘) dysphoric (not just for a moment)
() Just dk
✖️11.07.2018 *top surgery, pronounces and endings that are not binary (but today I feel good as non binary person)
✖️12.07.2018 *top surgery /more than yesterday/, pronounces and endings that are not binary,
I didn't wear kt tape, when I woke up I didn't like my hair so I got it cut (but today I feel good as non binary person)
() 13.07.2018 I feel like I'm never going to get the chance for top surgery; it just seems complicated, expensive and impossible, and it makes me feel sad
❌14.07.2018 not ok for a moment (cried a little), not ok with the female pronounces and endings that people use, I feel like I'm never going to get the chance for top surgery; it just seems complicated, expensive and impossible, and it makes me feel sad and selfish because I want something only for me that will cost a lot to my future family
✖️15.07.2018 I don't think about my body today, when people around me use "she" "her" that annoys me but it's not fatal (my grandma used male ending by accident and that made me smile) I feel good when I'm with Hector, he does not care about my body ...maybe in the future society will stop putting people in two categories like dogs already do today, ¡oh, something important! when I do activities that are considered "boyish" it makes me feel more like myself [I drove a motorcycle 😍] ((but there is something I disagree with, it's very stupid because there should not be such a division of boyish and girlish things and activities but the social structure is shit and we're stuck in it so yeah))
✖️16.07.18 I'm tired physically
✖️17.07.18 everything is alright (my gf and I had a lot of sex today 😊 I love sex and her and to have sex with her)
✖️18.07.18 I feel good as non binary person (it's cute when she is trying to use 'his' and male endings) I also feel good when I'm with my friends (they call me (тука нз как е) my birth name but I can't blame them because they're good people and friends)
✖️19.07.18 I feel good as non binary person, I decided to buy something like a binder (I want this binder-looking thing cause I think it will make me feel better mentally), I was with my brother and he said some stupid shits about trans people and I finally understood his position on this problem and it's ok (it's not but also it is...), I was thinking about top surgery in a positive way today
✖️20.07.18 we make our 22 months together, I met up with her brother, his family and rabbit (animals make me feel really good) and it was cool I like this people they seem to be very chill and supportive but I died of shame 🙄, yesterday I wrote on single steps's platform for lgbti support and today a woman (she is psychologist) wrote me back and it surprised me a lot because I didn't think that someone is really interested in helping lgbti teens, she said that she would like to meet me but I'm not about this (I would like to talk with a specialist but I really can't talk about this now.. maybe I will write again on the platform if I need some advice/info.)
I feel happy today
✖️21.07.2018 ...I had my sad moments...
✖️22.07.18 we were at the zoo, it was great, I felt happy and good as non binary person
()23.07.18 I feel empty, it's late night and I'm thinking of starting hormones
()24.07.18 I was happy when I was with her but now..... During the day I was feeling good with my body (maybe because some people defined me as boy)(and maybe cause today he/him sounds nearest to me)
I prefer not to be called with neither of the "two" genders but it is quite impossible for the strangers (and friends because of our grammar) so I'm glad when I hear "him" instead of "she".
✖️25.07.18
✖️26.07.18 here everyone call me "Veni", they think that I'm a girl but they don't навират в носа and I'm happy because of that, I feel good as non binary person and I want this fuckin surgery so much I can't waitttttt
✖️27.07.18 I'm bored 😒
✖️28.07.18 I was watching Ashs' videos and somehow I felt connected with them (not entirely) but that made me happy. I'm really curious about their top surgery results, I wanna see what the results of a person who does not take testosterone look like
✖️29.07.18 😒😒I hate when someone call me girl
✖️30.07.18 Finally I was in her arms 😍😍😍😍 (it's so 😒😔 when my friends called me by my whole name I feel awful when that happens)
(✘) 31.07.18 throughout the day I was feeling a little bit dysphoric idk why it just happened, I was thinking of starting hormones, I felt like I had the need to start them, to change that body,
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