Pulse

Apologies

    It is a warm June night as I get out of my car and walk into work. It has been a month since I've seen Asher and is now the end of June. I keep myself busy with work ,but every thought revolves around him. He calls me daily and tells me how much he misses me. Despite how many times he tells me he loves me, I constantly wonder what he was doing. Or who he is with. Doubt plagues my every thought, remembering him and her together, their conversations. I have never been jealous before, but now it feels like jealousy consumes me. I pick up an extra shift tonight at work, needing a distraction.

I walk into work and receive my assignment. I have an eight year old with a possible broken arm as one of my three patients. It isn't often I have pediatric patients, but when I do I enjoy taking care of them. I walk into her room to see her. With a big smile I bend down to her level to introduce myself.

"Hi Isabel, my name is Carson and I'm going to be your nurse tonight." She avoids my gaze as I look her over. The hair on the back of my neck stands up, but I can't place why. Something doesn't feel right. Her parents stand by her bedside, with the father having his hand on her shoulder. The suspicion within me grows by the minute.

When I return to the nurses station, the results of Isabel's X-ray are waiting for me. A spiral fracture of her humerus. Goosebumps cover my arms as I read the results, a story that is too familiar for me. I immediately walk to my computer and open her chart, looking at her past emergency room visits. She has multiple visits to the emergency room. Once I find what I am looking for, I stand up and go to get the social worker.

Together, a team of us walk into Isabel's room. Security pulls the parents aside. I speak in a soft voice, sitting in the edge of the bed holding her hand. "Isabel, what happened to your arm?" Isabel remains silent, but I continue. "I see you've been here a couple times with broken bones." More silence. I look to the social worker for guidance, but she only nods her head urging me to continue.  I am out of my element here.

"You know Isabel, when I was younger I had broken bones too. A lot of them, just like yours. Mine were caused by people hurting me. Every time I went to the hospital, I would silently plead for people to know what had happened and take me away, but no one ever did. If this is happening to you, you can tell me. I'll help you."

Isabel surprises me by crawling into my lap. I wrap my arms around her, wanting her to feel safe. Child Services walks into the room just as Isabel begins to talk.

"I left my toy out and daddy stepped on it. He got mad and grabbed my arm. Then there was a snap and my arm started hurting. I couldn't stop crying and he got mad."

That is all we needed to hear.

The rest of the night flies by. Isabel's parents are taken into custody and Isabel is going to her grandparents. I am finishing charting when Child Services comes to talk to me.

"That was a good catch Carson. I'm glad you were able to recognize that. "

I nod my head at the compliment. "I am familiar with abuse. I'm just glad I was able to save her from it." This is the reason I became a nurse, to make a difference in lives. And I just made a difference in little Isabel's life.

Feeling proud of myself, I stand up from the desk to give the social worker the chart. As soon as I stand up the room begins to spin. My hand shoots out to steady myself, reaching for the desktop. Everything becomes a blur, I can feel myself falling. Then everything goes black.

After the embarrassment of passing out in front of my coworkers and then having to be seen by Dr. Jones, I am finally on my way home. My mind is having trouble comprehending what just happened. I was in the emergency room for 5 hours, getting blood work and testing done. They found the cause of why I passed out in the blood work. I pull into my driveway and turn my Jeep off, taking a deep breath in. With shaky legs I get out of my car and walk into the house. I crawl into my bed and snuggle with Charlie. My head is leaning against Charlie as I grab my phone and press the  call button next to Asher's name, needing to talk to him. I almost drop the phone when a female voice answers.

"Hello." My mouth goes dry, I can't find any words. The fake voice speaks again. "Hello."
I clear my throat, finally finding my voice. "Is Asher there?"
"Oh. He is still in the shower, we had a long night. Carly, isn't it? I can have him call you when we are done."

      I clear my throat at her statement. I don't miss the we in her statement. My stomach drops and I can feel my heart breaking, shattering within my chest. "Just forget I called." Defeat is heavy in my voice. I hang up the phone and throw it against the wall. Shattered pieces of my phone scatter across the floor. Tears burn my eyes, threatening to spill over. My stomach turns. Not being able to hold back tears any longer, I break down. Sobs are escaping from me, causing my whole body to shake. I wrap my arms around Charlie and cry myself to sleep, realizing there is a strong possibility I have already lost him.

I wake up and the feeling of betrayal overcomes me.  The conversion from the previous night is on replay in my head. I am better than this. I will not let him break me. I can't let it. I promise this to myself, a promise I will not let myself break. I walk into the bathroom, studying myself in the mirror. My dark brown hair is a mess. My bright blue eyes swollen.

I grab my straightener and my makeup bag. I straighten my hair and start putting on my makeup. By the time I am done my eyes are lined with black eyeliner and grey eye shadow. My lashes are long and black. I put on a tank top and some shorts and head out. I can't be alone right now, I can't allow my thoughts to consume me. I need to be strong. Starting now this will be a new start for me. I don't know how I am going get through this, but giving up isn't an option.

Texting Bethany, we go out for dinner and then together we head to Target. We are having a movie night at my house and need supplies. Bethany is picking out the ice cream and I am in the movie aisle when a voice surprises me.

"Carson."

      I look up to see Josh walking towards me. I roll my eyes and start walking the other way.

"Carson wait. I need to apologize. Please hear me out. "
The sincerity in his voice makes me stop. I never heard this desperation in his voice before. I turn around and look at him, waiting for him to continue.

"You have no idea how sorry I am. I have no idea what was wrong with me. I never meant to hurt you Carson. Please believe that. I hate myself for doing that to you." He pauses before continuing. "And I'm sorry for what I said when I showed up at your door. I had no right to say any of that. I just want you to be happy Carson. You deserve the best."

     I nod, unsure of what else to do.

"If you ever need someone, call me. I mean it."

Again I nod. Even though I don't want anything to do with him, what he said means a lot to me. I just wish it was from the mouth of someone else.