Voices

c h a p t e r 1 2 : a l w a y s

S a m

" 'Cause up 'til now, I've walked the line. Nothing lost but something missing." - If Only, Dove Cameron

I'll never forget.

I'll never forget the day you held my hand for the very first time.

I'll never forget the day we had our very first kiss.

I'll never forget the day you first said "I love you".

I'll never forget us.

I'll never forget you.

*

I scurry away from her as fast as my legs could take me without running, the cold wind blowing hard against my being, almost as if it were trying to force me to turn around and go back to Louisa. Or maybe it's punishing me for what I did.

What are you referring to, Sam?

This conversation? Or the 'accident'?

I couldn't even look her in the eye when I told her what I did, only because I don't want him to lure Louisa into a trap. She deserves much more than that. She deserves much more than getting her heart broken.

Coward.

But then again, who am I to tell her? I'm nobody to her. I have no say in their relationship — I don't even know where they stand with each other.

Why am I feeling so defensive over a girl I've just met?

You know why.

I left her standing there, all alone, on the dark beach, stunned and probably hating me, when all I wanted was to have a simple conversation with her and ask her how her day was. I honestly don't know what got into me. I just wanted to say hello but, seeing her with that guy — whatever his name is — made me feel protective over her. But who am I to tell her what to do?

I chew on my bottom lip, furious at myself for what I had said to her. She deserves to be treated better than with this selfish confrontation. Anyone does.

When are you ever going to learn to shut your mouth around her?

I climb up the stairs leading out of the beach, pulling pull the hood over my head and zipping my jacket up, stuffing my freezing hands into its pockets in an attempt to warm up.

And I walk, with only a vague idea of where I am going, eyes on the ground. I walk straight and, instead of turning right at the junction that leads back home, I take a left.

The flat grey cement pavement soon melts into a red rocky pathway, leading up the hill, to the left of the small town of Westfields, one that I used to climb all the time growing up. It's been a while since I've hiked up this path.

You've just been running away from your mistakes.

By the time I reach the top of the hill, a sheen of sweat has formed on my forehead. I wipe it away with the back of my hand before heading towards the edge and taking a seat, my legs dangling in mid air. I take a deep breath, savouring the fresh air, staring at our quiet little town.

I feel the emptiness starting to creep in on me, the feeling of loneliness and loss, and I try to bury it back deep within me, but to no avail. I can't stop myself from feeling, not this time.