Voices

c h a p t e r 2 5 : m e s s

L o u i s a

"What are we doing? We are turning into dust, playing house in the ruins of us." Broken Strings, James Morrison ft. Nelly Furtado

I look at you

And everything I've been trying so hard

To forget

Comes back

Like a tidal wave

To drown me

And relieve me

From making another mistake.

*

Ria has definitely been having a lot of fun here despite my absence. And when I say absence, I don't mean it in the literal terms. I've been spacing out a lot more than usual, lost in my thoughts, not grounded or focused and I'm sure she has noticed - it's impossible not to - but she doesn't say anything about it.

But, knowing Ria, she most likely has something up her sleeves to make me talk.

And that's what I don't want. I don't want to 'talk about it' or 'let it out'. If I do, it would just seem more real than ever. And I know that this reality that I'm living in my mind, where everything works out and all the pain is wiped away, is far from the truth.

But sometimes that's all we have. Dreams that will never become a reality.

A loud, dramatic sigh reaches my ears and brings my focus back into reality.

"Yes, Ria?" I ask, trying to sound happy and carefree.

"You don't have to pretend around me, Lou," she replies, slightly tensed.

There she is.

There's the Ria who's dying for me to spill my heart's contents.

"I'm not ready this time, Ria," I mutter.

"I can see that. That's why I've been giving you your space but you're really starting to worry me. We all know what happened the last time you went this far with your self pity party."

"Please, Ria. Not now," I say, getting to my feet.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Home, where else?" I reply, not bothering to mask my exhaustion.

"Please, Lou."

I shake my head, walking away from her, my feet sinking into the sand as I walk.

I know Ria has been looking forward to going sailing with Basil and I but I don't think I'll be able to join them. If anything, I'll just ruin the mood. And anyone would be blind to miss the spark going on between them.

Perhaps if I left them alone, something might happen between them. Especially since my own attempt at a love story was an utter failure.

What am I talking about? There wasn't even a love story to begin with.

I don't even know what to think about Sam and I. We were never an item to begin with. He wasn't making any move on me and I definitely was not making the first move. I mean, yes, in those few days before his accident, there may have been some sparks or just something going on between us but that's as far as we go.

We were just too caught up in the moment and the idea to see the practicality behind it.

Then why do I feel like I'm mourning over someone who I actually care for?