You Crack Me Up, Steven (A Sam & Max + Steven Universe Crossover)

Chapter 5

"Holy heaping helpings of deep fried tentacle smothered in sulphur sprinkled with diced onions on a scots pine plank! Look at that!" Sam exclaimed at the sight before them.

Out in the open area, lined up in a straight, unionized line, were the missing civilians of Beach City and everyone close by. Connie, Greg, Lars, Sadie, Sour Cream, Jenny, Mayor Dewey, and everyone of Steven's neighbors and friends. One by one, they marched in a zombie like fashion into a large hole in the ground.

"Yay! We found everyone," Steven cheered softly. He then called out. "Dad! Connie!"

"Shh! Steven," Pearl hushed, covering Steven's mouth. "They'll hear you!"

Pearl looked up, but none of the humans seemed to hear them.

"...Or not. Still, what are they all doing here?"

"Who cares?" Amethyst shrugged. "Let's just bag 'em and scram!"

"No, wait," Garnet stopped Amethyst. "... Something's not right here. Look at the way they're lined up."

"I know, so neatly organized like a fresh batch of army ants," Max noted. "And they appear to be marching into that ominous hole in the ground."

"Wait a minutes, that hole leads to the Kindergarten Control Room!" Peridot gasped. "Which means... Those humans are gonna be touching all my logs with their crusty little touch stumps!!!"

"'Touch stumps?' Are you talking dirty?" Max asked.

"But why are they all here?" Steven asked. "We're the only ones who know about this place."

"Hmmm..." Garnet hummed to herself. "Look closely."

They all took a closer look at the citizens... And noticed that something WAS off. The people shared the same vacant far-off stare, and marched into the hole in the same robotic marching motion.

"Great Davy Crockett's racoon-stained dress shields backstroking in tapenade! Garnet's right! Look at them all," Sam pointed out. "Their unified and unemotional marching, the glossy almost distant look in his eye like a puppy staring in the sun, or a sweaty fan binge-watching reruns of Saved by the Bell-"

"Oh, my gosh! It's worse than I thought, Sam! THERE'S A COMIC CON CONVENTION IN THAT HOLE!!!" Max shrieked.

"Even worse, little pal," Sam said grimly. "They've all been hypnotized!"

"Again?!" Max moaned. "I thought we were DONE with hypnotism cases!"

"Hypnotized?" Pearl was surprised. "Could this be the work of a corrupted gem monster? We haven't dealt with one of those in a while. But what kind of gem monster has hypnotic effects on humans?"

Suddenly, Steven perked up. "Wait, I'm a human... Sort of, and the hypno-gem isn't getting me!"

"Yes, but you're also half gem, Steven," Pearl reminded. "And it doesn't seem to affect gems."

"Still," Steven continued. "Sam and Max aren't gems either, and it's not affecting them!"

"Uh... Maybe it's because they're a giant dog and bunny-thing," Amethyst guessed.

"Or it could be because Sam has an anti-hypnosis helmet built in his hat, and my beautifully sexy brain isn't compatible with mind control," Max added.

"That, and I'm pretty sure Max is a mineral," Sam interjected.

"Soooo... What if three of us," Steven pointed to Sam, Max, and himself slyly, "pretend to be hypnotized and sneak in? Then, when we figure out what's down there, four of us," This time Steven slyly pointed to the gems. "Bust in and beat the bad guy, win the fight, and then we go out for pizza!" Steven wiggled his eyebrows afterwards.

"Well, who can argue with a sales pitch like that?" Sam questioned.

Pearl was uncertain. "Are you sure, Steven? I mean, we don't even know what's down there... And with THESE two? Really?!"

"Steven can handle this," Garnet reassured. "And if THESE two want to keep solving crimes, they won't let anything happen to him. Right?" She glared at the Freelance Police.

"I swear, ma'am," Sam raised his right hand as though swearing. "I'm as sure nothing will happen to Steven as I'm sure Max's head is full of loose sprockets and galvanized nails."

"So THAT'S what that rattling was," Max pondered.

"See? You can trust them! Besides," Steven puffed his chest out to look intimidating. "I ain't afraid of no scary meanie-butts! I'm a... Large man!"

Pearl couldn't help giggling at Steven's trying to look tough.

"Oh, alright then. ...But wait," She remembered something. "How will we know when we have to 'bust in?'"

"Never fear, Pearl," Sam reassured, lifting up Steven's shirt. "For Max and I come with the most sophisticated pieces of technology ever devised by man!"

"These tin cans attached to some twine!" Max produced said can and twine. He then pulled out a large roll of duct tape (Don't ask him from where), and started taping one of the cans to Steven's stomach.

"Tin cans and twine?" Pearl couldn't believe these two. "THIS is the 'most sophisticated piece of technology?'"

"Sophistication doesn't come without a budget, lady; and we spent ours on that car sequence," Max sassed.

"Besides, this is cool," Steven gushed as he was fitted with the tin can. "I'm like a REAL Freelance Police super spy now!"

"Heh! Lookin' good, Stee-man," Amethyst chuckled.

"Oh THIS is going to end well and NOT in a total disaster," Peridot rolled her eyes.

"Would you rather go with them," Garnet asked. Peridot fearfully shook her head. "That's what I thought. Good luck, boys." Garnet saluted the Freelance Police and Steven.

The three of them saluted Garnet, and dashed towards the hypnotized humans. They waited until Lars, the last one in line, droned into the hole following the others.

"Now remember, little buddies," Sam whispered. "Just walk like bloodless, emotionless beings, and they'll never notice us."

"Will I be expected to prepare anyone's tax return?" Max joked.

"I'm on it," Steven declared. He slowly marched after the hypnotized humans, moving his arms and legs in a junky fashion, looking like a marching robot droid.

"Huh, I never thought of doing a Men Without Hats imitation," Sam commented.

"Kid's got a sense of humor, I'll give him that," Max giggled.

Together, the three of them marched robotically after their hypnotized charges -Steven took a moment to wave at the gems-, determined to get to the bottom of whatever was down there waiting for them.