You Crack Me Up, Steven (A Sam & Max + Steven Universe Crossover)

Chapter 6

"Well here we are following Steven's entranced neighboring townsfolk through some godforsaken tunnel, no doubt leading to some criminal shenanigans," Sam recapped as he, Max, and Steven quietly followed the townspeople through the tunnel to the Control Room. Max had chosen to ride on Lars' shoulders, yanking on his stretched earlobes like he was tugging on the reigns of a horse. Lars didn't even react.

"Ya, mule! Ya, Mule! Schnell! Schnell!!" Max shouted, kicking into Lars' shoulders as though mushing him.

"Uh, are you sure you should be doing that, Max?" Steven asked, worried. "I think the townspeople will hear us."

"I wouldn't worry, Steven," Sam reassured. "It appears that their spellbound state has left them completely oblivious to anything and everything around them."

"Like the time we sat down for that seven hour 'Young Ones' marathon," Max added.

Steven thought of something. "Say Sam, I still don't get it, why'd you and Max come all the way out here to solve a case? I mean I know you guys have been at stranger places, but still."

"It's simple, Steven," Sam started explaining. "If this mass hypnotizing who-say-what were to bathe your world in its frothy warm glow-"

"Don't say 'frothy warm glow!'" Max muttered.

"-It could, in theory, end up pulling the rest of the multiverse into its blasphemous enslavement program; forcing even more beloved television icons to become thoughtless, emotionless beings with no personality!"

"And even worse," Max continued. "Scores of pasty white fanboys will be forced to discard their TV's and go out and socialize with normal people!"

"NO!!! NOT THE TV'S!!!" Steven gasped in horror. "You've already taken my town, I'M NOT LETTING YOU TAKE THE TV!!! I just finally got it back!"

"Exactly! To safeguard the world's television, Steven! THAT'S why the heck we're doing this!!" Sam declared proudly.

"-And because I get to do stuff like this," Max added as he continued tugging on Lars' ears. Eventually, he tugged so hard that he fell off Lars' shoulders. Luckily, Sam was able to catch him by his ears.

"Well that goes without saying," Sam commented. "Didn't imagine you'd be spending your day assisting a pair of fatuous law enforcers, eh Steven?"

"Are you kidding? This is awesome," Steven cheered, stars appearing in his eyes. "I get to solve an actual mystery with two of the best detectives ever! I needed to do something like this after the last few weeks I've been having." He noted that last bit with a very solemn look, which Sam noticed.

"Hmm... My delicate inner sense of adolescent distress tells me that something is troubling our new little buddy, Max."

"If we cut one of these tubes in the wall, what do you think will happen?" Max asked, clearly not paying attention.

"Later, Max. Later," Sam answered, turning back to Steven. "So, what seems to be troubling you, Steven?"

Steven hesitated, but he knew he couldn't keep inside forever. So he took a deep breath-

"Well... We've been trying to get ready to fight some big monster in the center of the earth made out of a bunch of gem shards... And we only get one shot or else the whole world's gonna be torn to bits. Add to it, one of my friends is stuck at the bottom of the ocean fused with some mean gem who thinks I'm my mom... And I guess I kind of am, I still haven't figured that part out yet. I want to be able to talk to the gems about it, but I still feel like they blame me for my mom not being here... Especially Amethyst and Pearl. They always talk about how awesome she was, and I wish I got to meet her... So I try to be as good as her so they won't feel sad that she's not here; but I don't know how I can be when I'm still figuring out my powers. Also, a couple weeks ago, Garnet and Pearl got into a big fight and stopped talking to each other and I feel like it was my fault... Now I'm worried they're gonna have another one and I'll feel like I have to choose sides. I don't want to choose sides! I love both of them! How can I stop that from happening again!?"

Steven finally breathed out; all the stress he just vented was still there, but getting it out in the open seemed to lift a great weight off his shoulders. He didn't know how Sam or Max would react, but he was just glad they were there to listen.

Sam and Max couldn't believe what they just heard. Normally the two just took whatever tense situation life threw at them with stride, and had a big laugh about it later on; but they didn't know how they could laugh at THIS.

"Gee..." Sam broke the silence. "Remember the old days, Max, when cartoons weren't as progressive with their mature subtext?"

"Like cottage cheese through a strainer, Sam," Max answered, he couldn't resist cracking at least one joke.

Sam turned to the distressed half-gem, "Now look, Steven... I'm sure none of the gems blame you for what happened to your mother, bless her plus-sized cotton candy curls. It's just that the gems... Well..."

Max cleared his throat. "They have no idea what the heck they're doing."

"... Pretty much," Sam agreed.

"But hey, when you're out there risking your collective mineral butts for your little half gem/half human child and a whole planet, who has time to go to parenting classes?"

"I guess," Steven considered. "But I still love them, and I want to be the best gem they want me to be!"

"I don't think they want you to be your mom... Your fragile skull could never hold those candy pink curls," Sam quipped, rubbing Steven's hair affectionately. "All they want is for you to be the best Steven you can be."

"And to not have your greasy pink hide swimming in the bowels of some monster's digestive tract," Max added.

"Yeah, that too," Sam nodded.

Steven was starting to feel better, "But what about them fighting again?"

"Eh, fights are gonna happen," Max bluntly said. "Words are gonna be said, plates are gonna be thrown, and people are gonna get the tar reeducated out of them."

"But they'll find a way to resolve it once they realize how much they need each other," Sam finished... "For example, Max and I got into a big argument a few weeks ago-"

"I won't go into details," Max said, "But it was messy, and awkward, and like something out of a Spanish soap opera!"

"-And I almost walked out on my little buddy," Sam continued. "But I didn't. And do you know what?"

"Because you realized that you and Max are best friends and you only do so well together," Steven asked hopefully.

"Actually it was because I swallowed the keys to the car and we had to wait for nature to take its course," Max joked.

"BUUUT that friendship message came creeping up on us eventually," Sam reassured. "And it'll creep up on the gems next time they get at each other's throats. So I wouldn't get my star shirt wrinkled over it just yet."

Steven smiled, all his worries seemed forgotten. "Thanks, you guys ...And you're right! I'm not gonna let a few... Bunch of personal issues wipe out my Steven-ness! We've got a Beach City to save!" Steven puffed out his chest and marched forward, more determined than ever to save his friends and dad.

"Say, you think we should tell him that the gems probably heard everything through the wire?" Max whispered to Sam.

"Nah," Sam whispered back. "It's better if they work it out among themselves than for us to interfere with the continuity flow... More than we already have."

"Good point, Sam." Max sighed. "I think flagrantly disregarding domestic issues for a young child is the start of a newer, more responsible Freelance Police."

"You crack me up, little buddy," Sam chuckled as the two followed Steven.

Neither one of them knew that right outside the cavern were three very shocked and dismayed Crystal Gems... Unable to believe what their Steven's holding out on them, and more than a little ashamed of themselves. Everything that was said flew over Peridot's head, but she was sure they'd explain everything to her later.