You Crack Me Up, Steven (A Sam & Max + Steven Universe Crossover)

Chapter 8

It was a few seconds before the blindingly hypnotizing light finally faded away, and the seven intruders and diabolical fish had regained their sight. Mack Salmon stared in eagerness at his old foes, and the four and a half gems, to see if his creation's hypnotizing light had some sort of effect on them.

"Well?" Mack finally asked. "How do you feel?"

The air stood still with tension as he awaited the response of his hopeful new thralls. However, he was met with his response as the seven of them drew their weapons -and Peridot drew her stick- and glared down the Salmon Prince of Crime.

"Now I'm gettin' hungry for fish sticks!" Amethyst licked her lips hungrily as she prepared her whip.

"I take my fish tenderized and hollering like a sick wildebeest for mercy... Like my men," Max grinned.

Mack's jaw dropped. "What?! That's impossible!! No one can resist the enthralling power of McGuffinite!!" He glared at the gems. "You Crystal Gems must be immune to its power!" His glare turned towards a certain dog and rabbity-thing. "And you two... Well science can't explain what it is with YOU two!"

"So says the talking fish in the mechanical suit," Pearl added with a smirk.

Finally, Mack turned to Steven. "But what about HIM? He IS human, afterall!"

"NOT correct!" Steven exclaimed. "I'm only HALF human! The rest of me is half gem, and AAAALLLLL Steven! And this little Steven-y package isn't gonna let some meanie-butt fish take his friends away!" Steven puffed his chest out again, holding tightly to his shield.

"Oooooh! Shut down by the Ste-squad!" Amethyst cheered.

But rather than grimace in defeat, Mack only smirked. "Half human, eh? Very well then... Steven, slap yourself!"

"Wait, what?" Steven looked puzzled. "Why would I slap myself? I'm not gonna slap my-"

THWACK!!!

Before he could finish his protest, Steven found himself slapping himself in the face! "Ow! I slapped myself in the face!"

"Steven! Why did you do that," Pearl asked, concerned.

"I... I don't know. It's like the minute he ordered me to do that, my hand just acted on its own!" Steven was starting to get scared.

"And that's only the beginning," Mack's smirk grew larger. "Steven, attack yourself!"

Before Steven could protest, his hands started to move on their own again. They slapped his face, they pulled his hair, they even punched him in his own stomach. The gems, Sam, and Max watched in horror as their Steven faced off against his assailant... His own two hands!

"Steven! Stop hurting yourself!" Garnet pleaded. She HATED watching her cutie pie harm himself.

"I can't!" Steven wailed. "I can't stop myself! Why am I doing this to me?! After all we've been through! I thought me and I had a special bond! OW!"

"What did you do to him?!" Pearl shouted at the smirking fish.

"What you're witnessing is the effect of my McGuffinite's hypnotic trance." Mack gloated. "While it would appear that gems -and those two bumbling incompetents- are immune to its enthralling glow-"

Peridot gasped. "But Steven's a human/gem hybrid! So... That means his brain is still functional, but he's-"

"Trapped in his own body by some aquatic purloiner of the people's free will," Sam finished. "Terrifying. Poetic... In a Scalzi science-fictiony kind of way."