Who I Am [boyxboy]

Who I Am {7}

                I woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. I struggled to recall last night and felt my face pale. Oh fuck. I had kissed Chris and told everyone I was gay! I glanced around my room and briefly wondered how I had gotten home until I remembered Jouke helping me to Ryland’s car.

                I crawled out of bed and went downstairs. Maybe mom and dad hadn’t heard about it…?

                “Good morning sweetheart,” mom said with a small smile. “Hi mom,” I greeted cautiously. She went back to fixing breakfast and I sat down at the table.

                “Morning Jamie!” dad said with a bright smile as he entered the house with the paper tucked under his arm. He sat across from me and opened it up. Okay. So obviously my parents didn’t know. That was a very, very good thing.

                But my friends still knew.

                I ate breakfast and changed my clothes. “Bye guys. I’m going to Jouke’s house,” I called before leaving my house. I started walking to Jouke’s house, my mind filled with questions.

                What was Ryland going to say? He and his mom were homophobes. I was going to Jouke’s because I knew he was the only one who wasn’t a homophobe. But just because he wasn’t homophobic, it didn’t mean he would want to be friends with a known gay boy.

                Sometime later, I knocked on Jouke’s door and his little brother, William, answered. “Hi Jamie! Aw you hewe to see Jouke?” he asked curiously. I nodded. “Yea Will. I am.” He led me into the house and we started walking towards Jouke’s room.

                “Jamie! Jamie! Look; I wost my toof!” William opened his mouth to show me the tooth he had lost. “Cool,” I said, pretending to be interested. William was only 4. I actually had no idea why he was answering the door. I wasn’t even aware he could reach the doorknob…

                We reached Jouke’s room and William got up on his tip toes, struggling for a few seconds to reach the doorknob. He turned it and frowned in frustration. “Is it locked?” I asked and he nodded. “I fink so. Mommy’s told Jouke not to wock his dough.” Usually, the way William talked made me smile a little. He had that adorable little kid voice. But not today. Today I just wished he could pronounce his r’s and the word door.

                He pounded his tiny fists against the door and waited until Jouke opened it. “What do you need kiddo?” he asked before noticing me. “Oh. Hi Jamie,” he said nervously. He leaned down and picked William up. “What’s up?” “You know. We need to talk,” I said flatly.

                He nodded. “Will, go play with daddy. And stop answering the door or mommy’s gonna get mad at you,” he said before kissing Will’s cheek and setting the little child down. For an instant, I got a flash of Will holding a pitch fork, chanting “Praise He Who Walks Behind The Rows!” and mutilating the car in which sat a woman with a crumbling marriage and a life about to come to an end.

                I shook it off and followed Jouke into his room.

                “What happened Jamie? Did you just get too drunk?” he asked after we had shut his door and sat down. I felt the lie rising in my throat, struggling to get out.

                Yes. I got too drunk. I didn’t know what I was doing. I swear to god I’m not gay. I also swear to god I’d never lie to my friends Jouke, so you can trust me.

                “No.” The secret was out. The cat was out of the bag. Again, another useless expression. But if you tried to put that cat back in the bag, surely the bastard wouldn’t go without a vicious fight. And I knew it would be easier to just let it free than fight to keep it contained a little longer. It was going to get out someday, so why fight it anymore?

                “I’m gay. Have been for a while. I was scared you guys and my parents and…well, everyone would hate me and reject me for it.” Jouke nodded in understanding. “I’m not a homophobe Jamie, you know that. But a lot of people are. And I just don’t know what Ryland and Blaine will think. Do your rents know?” I shook my head, silently grateful that they didn’t.

                “God Jamie. You’re damn good at hiding things.” The image of TBear’s broken body flashed through my mind. “Yea,” I agreed. “Yea, I am.” “Look Jamie, I think we should head over to Ryland’s. Blaine is going to be there. You know how he never goes home when he’s wasted.”

                “What if they hate me Jouke? Hate me because I’m a fucking fag?” “You’re not a fag Jamie. A fag is a cigarette. You’re a person who just happens to like boys. We’ll talk to them about it, okay? Everything will be okay Jamie,” he promised me.

                I nodded, but inside, I prepared for the worst. Because I knew for a fact that everything would not be alright. I could already feel my life falling apart. Ryland and Blaine would reject me for being gay. And then what? I’d only have Jouke and Nadia. Hell, maybe I’d only have Nadia. I wouldn’t blame Jouke if he abandoned me to stay friends with Ryland and Blaine.

                We left his house and started driving to Ryland’s. This was it. This would decide if I would be forever rejected by my best friends or not. This was what it came down to. Make it or break it. And the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach foreshadowed bad news.