Who I Am [boyxboy]

Who I Am {19}

                                                                                ***Jamie’s POV***

                There was a knock on Nadia’s door about a hour after we got back. I had told her about almost kissing Ryland and she had grinned and told me she had always suspected he was gay without even knowing it.

                Ryland stood in the doorway. He had his aviators on, and god damn, he looked sexy. “I need to talk to Jamie. Alone.” He spoke very slowly. I walked out. “The backyard,” I said and he nodded.

                We went to the backyard together and went into Nadia’s shed. We turned on the single light in there and shut the door. “Jamie…I…” He was getting nervous. We were standing close together due to all the stuff crowded into the shed.

                I wanted him. I wanted him more than I ever had before. I reached forwards him and pulled his aviators off. “God you’re beautiful Ryland,” I said and set his aviators down. “Jamie,” he whispered. I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if he was a homophobe or the biggest fag in the world.

                I moved in quick and pressed my lips to his. He was shocked and didn’t kiss back for a few seconds but then kissed me deeply.

                I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close, crushing my lips on his. I had wanted this for so god damn long. I bit his bottom lip and he granted my tongue entrance. I shoved it in his mouth and he carefully massaged my tongue with his.

                Being a secret gay, I had never actually made out with anyone before. I had kissed 2 girls, and that was it, if you didn’t count the drunk kiss with Chris. Ryland had dated a girl for 2 years. Now he had experience with this kind of thing, and he was sure as hell putting it to good use.

                I stumbled into the wall and held Ryland close. I tugged at his shirt and he let me take it off. I took off my own and we fell to the floor, making out. I ran my hands on his chest and he shuddered in response.

                My hands moved down and gripped his belt. I went to unbuckle it, but suddenly, Ryland broke away from me. He hit me in the face, hard, I might add, and shoved me away from him.

                Absolute terror was on his face. “Holy shit. Holy motherfucking shit.” He blindly slapped his hand around until he found his shirt. He pulled it on hastily. “That didn’t happen! You got it, faget?” he snapped, pointing a threatening finger at me.

                “Ryland-” “Shut the fuck up Jamie! You sorry cock-sucker!” He grabbed his aviators and ran his hands through his hair, trying to fix it. He wiped his mouth and spit several times.

                He moved towards the door of the shed and paused. “If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you fag. Do you believe me?” I nodded weakly. He looked at the cast on my hand. “I’ll break your other hand. Hell, I’ll break your whole arm. I’m not a fag like you!”

                He shoved the door open and hurried away. I sat and listened to the sound of his car speeding up the street. I pulled my knees up to my bare chest and rested my forehead on them. I squeezed my eyes shut.

                “Jamie, you’re a fucking idiot. Of course he’ll never like you,” I whispered to myself. “Separate what you hate from what you love once and for all. And if you tumble my way I can catch you; if you follow my lead then I’ll bet you. It’s feeling heavier, hold it steadier, I see; life is throwing you curves. You can make it, take it in, try again, you don’t deserve this,” I whispered shakily as the song popped into my head.

                And then I quietly laughed. It was not a really a humorous laugh. There was nothing funny about this situation. But if my life were a movie, A Time For Yohe by Between The Trees would be playing in the background right now. The shots would switch between me sitting here like this, and Ryland driving home. He would probably pull over and rest his head on the steering wheel, biting his lip and squeezing his eyes shut. It would all probably be in slow motion.

                And then I would let a tear roll down my cheek. So I pretended I was in a movie, and let that happen. I imagined a crowd watching in sadness and hating Ryland.

                Oh grow up Jamie. This wasn’t a movie. This was my life. And I had just ruined everything. Oh why had I kissed him? Now he’d never talk to me. I had just properly fucked up.

                “You gonna be okay Jamie?” Nadia asked as she walked into the shed and sat next to me. “No,” I choked out. “I want my mom.” I was 16. I wasn’t a dumb little kid anymore. But I couldn’t help but say that. I wanted my mom so bad. I wanted her and my dad. I hugged my knees to me more. “I just want my mom.”

                “Look, I’ll take Jouke and we’ll talk to your parents for you Jamie. Unless you want to come?” I shook my head. “I don’t want to go. I don’t want to go back unless they’re going to willingly take me back. I can’t get rejected anymore Nadia. I just can’t.”

                She handed me my shirt and hugged me tightly. “I’ll go call Jouke. You can go hang out in my room, and I’ll let you know what happens. And Jamie…don’t worry about Ryland. He’s confused. He’ll come around,” she said softly and helped me up. I pulled my shirt on and followed her back into her house.