Who I Am [boyxboy]

Who I Am {8}

                We pulled into Ryland’s driveway. Jouke offered me an encouraging smile as we knocked on the door. Danny opened it and smiled at us. “Hey boys. Ryland and Blaine are up in his room.”

                “Thanks Danny,” Jouke said, noticing I was too terrified to speak. My heart was exploding in my chest. It thundered in my ears. Could they hear it? Surely they could hear it. It was so loud.

                But they didn’t seem to hear it as Jouke pulled me into the house and Danny shut the door, the smile still on his face. Was he a homophobe? I couldn’t remember. I didn’t know if Ryland ever told me. I couldn’t remember.

                “You okay Jamie? You look kind of sick,” Ryland’s mom, Debby, said. I looked helplessly at Jouke, unable to speak. I liked Ryland’s mom. She was so nice. I didn’t want her to hate me.

                “He hasn’t been feeling well. Coming down with something. He had a nasty cough yesterday. It made him lose his voice.” I nodded, going along with the lie. I shot him a thankful look.

                “Ah. Well, Ryland’s been worried about you. He thought something was wrong. Maybe it’s just because you were sick,” she said, a kind smile forming on her face. I nodded again.

                We walked up the stairs to Ryland’s room. His door was closed and I felt myself shaking. “Hey, calm down Jamie. He’s your best friend,” Jouke said, noticing my intense fear. He reached out and opened the bedroom door.

                We walked into Ryland’s room. On his ceiling was a giant Alesana poster, signed by all the band members. Next to his bed was a JJ Demon poster signed by JJ. A picture of he and I with Jordan Witzigreuter from The Ready Set was framed above his desk along with the shirt Jordan had signed for him. His The Elders CD, signed by Ian, was proudly displayed next to the picture of him, his mom, and Danny standing with Ian. He had pictures of him with various people around his room. Shane Crump, Shawn Milke, Oli Sykes, Craig Mabbit, Ronnie Radke, Chris Drew, Deryck Whibley and Cone McCaslin, Sonny Moore, Alex Gaskarth, Davey Havok, Andy Six, and so many others.

                Ryland deeply loved going to concerts. He had been to tons of them. Met so many of the people in the bands. He told me his favorites were Ian from The Elders, Shane from Alesana, and Deryck and Cone from Sum 41.

                Ryland and Blaine were playing Catchphrase and listening to Marilyn Manson, another person Ryland had met after seeing in concert. They looked up at me and Jouke and instantly the smiles dropped off their faces.

                “Oh. Hi Jouke. Hi Jamie,” Blaine said, not looking at me. “Hi guys,” Jouke said casually and entered the room, pulling me with him.

                                                                                ***Ryland’s POV***

                Jouke and Jamie sat down near us. I was afraid to sit near him. What if I became gay too? What if it was, like, some spreadable condition? My best friend was a fag. How could I ever look at him the same way again?

                “Jamie…how drunk were you last night?” I asked, needing to know if it had just been the booze acting. Jamie gulped. “Drunk enough to reveal my biggest secret.” I felt my face paling. “You’re…dude, you’re really a fag?” “I’m not a fag. I’m gay,” he said, avoiding eye contact with me and Blaine. He had suddenly become very interested in my carpet.

                “Get out,” Blaine said quietly. We all looked at him, even Jamie. “What?” Jamie asked in confusion. “You heard me. We don’t want a fag in here,” he said, getting a little louder. Jamie looked at me desperately.

                I glanced at Blaine and found myself nodding in agreement. “Bye Jamie,” I said flatly. “Ryland,” he whispered in horror. “Ryland you can’t do this to me! Man, we’ve been best friends since we were toddlers! You can’t just kick me out because I’m gay!”

                “I hate gay people Jamie!” I snapped. “You know that. We don’t want you to touch us. Get out of my house.” I glanced at Blaine. “Make sure your pants are zipped Ryland,” Blaine said, smirking cruelly.

                “What the hell is wrong with you guys?” Jouke cried angrily. “Ease up! There’s nothing different about Jamie! He’s still the same Jamie.” “Nuuu. My Jamie isn’t a fag,” I argued.

                “Ryland. Ryland please,” Jamie begged. “Please Ryland. We’ve always been there for each other. Please don’t leave me now, just because I like boys,” he begged desperately. I had to avoid looking into his eyes. Those pleading eyes.

                “Bye Jamie,” I said again emotionlessly. Looking utterly broken, he got up. Jouke opened his mouth to protest, but Jamie shook his head at him. “I’m…I’m sorry Ryland,” Jamie whimpered before leaving my bedroom.

                And I suddenly wondered who that had hurt more. Me or him? I glanced at the picture of us with Jordan Witzigreuter. Angrily, I got up and pulled the frame off my wall. I threw it on the ground and kicked it under my bed.

                “Whatever. Next word,” I grumbled and sat down, passing Catchphrase to Blaine. Jouke was silent, but his look was furious.

                Inside, I felt empty and betrayed. Why Jamie? Why my best friend? But how could I just throw away the past? How could I pretend we had never been friends? Pretend he hadn’t been there for me through all my problems?

                Shaking thoughts of my ex best friend from my head, I tried to just relax and enjoy the game with my straight best friends.