Blue Eyes.

Chapter 17

Troye

I sit there holding Connor after him having a panic attack I hate seeing him in pain. It's the worst thing ever. Someone so hurt doesn't need more pain. He was thinking of suicide. He stopped himself. He did it. I am proud of him fighting those thoughts and those voices, that's the hardest thing ever, I have had those voices, not the killing way though, I hate thinking about it, those thoughts are scary, I hope he never has to go threw them alone, like I did.

"I am so sorry Con." I whisper to him expecting him to answer but I realize he is sleeping the only place someone like him is safest place to be right now, that's the best escape, I pick him up and decide to text Zoe after he is fast asleep, I lay him on the bed and he moves a little.

"Goodnight Con." I say and kiss his forehead lightly, so it doesn't wake him competly.

"Cuddle?" Connor asks when I am just about to walk away.

"I will be back in a couple minutes just need to be out into the hall." I say knowing he would worry if I said text Zoe.

"Okay." He says and turns over and sleeps. I step out the room and fall to the floor in tears, I hate seeing him in pain, that was the worst thing I experienced. Seeing yell, scream, hate him self more and more.

Zo? If your awake I would like to talk..... I don't want to wake you though.....

I turn it off and look down the hall and think about what thoughts people are thinking. If they are happy and wondering maybe that could be Connor soon. Or maybe people are just up like him crying for help to helpless to help themselves. Needing someone there. They call and no one is there to help. They end there life because they think life is so useless, I stand different. There is so much more to live, ending your life will just make your friends, family hurt more, then seeing you sad they will see your empty and gone. I couldn't handle Connors death, needles to say, I would die to be with him, and (I know what your going to say I just said I wouldn't end my life for anything, but when it comes to someone you love, someone that makes you smile 3 times bigger than normal everyday, wouldn't you do the same? Die to be with the one you love, just to be with them in spirit?) I feel my phone buzz and I look.

Troye this is Alfie, is it important? She's asleep....

Idk if it is... just needed to talk....

Okay I will wake her up....

Thanks Alfie.

No problem.

I sit there thinking life is a game filled with pain, happiness, but most of all, things that will get you down. You just have to learn to get over them. Then I think, truth runs wild, like a tear down a cheek. This voice inside has been eating at me. Without losing a peice of me how do I get to heaven? So if I am losing a peice of me maybe I don't want..... heaven.... I pick up my phone and start righting that down, a song, maybe I could use that for a song. 15 I knew I was gay I just couldn't tell anyone that I was, 5 years I lied to my parents. To my family, my friends. I am snapped out of trance, when my phone buzzes in my hands. I look at the message.

I am coming Troye you should have called me.... I am always here for you.

I know I should have I just didn't want to wake you both up. I am sorry....

Troye don't be sorry, it's okay, you need to talk I am here for you.

Okay.....

Be there in 5.

Okay.

I just there looking down the opposite way Zoe would come. I don't want her to see I am hurt, I don't want her to see me sad, but she has seen Connor sad for her full life, she saw Connor hurt for years. I sigh and put my head down on my knee. I think maybe I don't want heaven. If Connor does it, I am not there, maybe I don't want heaven, maybe if I lose a part of me maybe I don't want heaven. Heaven is a big title that I am not ready to label my self seeing. Sooner or later I will see it, but I believe there is an after life, where I can see and feel people they just can't see me. I can scream and they can't hear me, but I will watch over them and watch them grow. Into something beautiful. I believe there is something more after life. I feel a tap on my arm and I shoot my head around. To see sleepy Zoe in her PJ'S yawning.

"What's wrong Troye Boy?" She asks and I sigh.

"He had thoughts...." I say not looking up looking straight ahead.

"Who? Thoughts?" Zoe says sitting down beside me and puts her hand on top of mine.

"Connor he thought of it." I say and thinking does she know? That Connor thinks of suicide.

"Suicide??!" She says really loud.

"Yeah...." I say and she starts breathing heavy.

"Why didn't he tell me..."She says tearing up.

"Didn't want you to worry I guess..." I say and feel numb. Him feeling sad and thinking about him doing suicide makes me numb.

"Well I don't care shit. Is he okay now? Did he try anything? " Zoe asks and I guess I shouldn't tell her too much more. Maybe Connor doesn't want her to know because of other reasons that he didn't tell me about.

"He's fine now. Sleeping actually." I say not saying anything else.

"Why are you out here then? Why did you need to talk?"She asks and I feel tears coming to my eyes.

"Because.... it hurts knowing I can't do anything for him..... it hurts..." I say choking back the tears.

"It hurts because I.... love him... seeing him.... in pain hurts me.... if he.." I say not able to finish, the tears come out they slide down my cheek.

"Zoe if..... he does it..... I couldn't handle it... I believe there is so much to live for.... I wouldn't dare to think of suicide.... but if he does I would have to go with him.... I don't know." I say the tears flowing down my face I only cried 2 times while I was here.

"Troye..." She says and hugs me.

"I don't know Zoe.... I love him too much to see him like this...." I say finally bursting into more tears.

"I know you do.." She says and rubs small circles on my hand.

"It's just he's in pain! He needs help... I want to help him... he doesn't want it." I say and close my eyes and breath.

"The best person to talk to is Connor, you know who should be here right now? Connor..." She says and kisses my forehead.

"You need him Troye.... go in there and hold him close, do anything to show him he needs to live." Zoe says and stands up.

"Make him believe there is much more to live for. Love him more." Zoe says and kisses my hand and walks down the hall. I sit there thinking to her words. Love him more. Those 3 words need to happen. But how? I give him love, I make him feel special, I cuddle him, I don't know what else to do. I shoot her a text.

How? I do eveything, I love him so much....

Little things....

Little things?

Troye my young little boy the little things count the most. Take him out, brush his hair, rub his back, laugh with him, kiss him, like it's your last, sing to him, look for the little things, write cute little letters to each other. Small things. That he will remember.

Okay...

Little things....