Things I'll Never Say

Greatest Mistake

The words hit me like a wave in the middle of the storm, and I found myself in complete shock. As the words sank deeper and deeper into my mind, my knees went weak with my legs crashing below me, and I began to fall.

"Woah, there. How about you sit down for a second,; John said, catching my fall and bringing me over to the toilet seat to sit down.

I put my hands to my face, pushing them back on the side of my head, wraking through my hair. The more and more I thought about it, the less sense it made. "Wait, how do you know? How would you know any of it? That's personal1"

John let out a sigh, making me assume he was preparing himself for a long answer full of things he didn't plan on explaining. "i came over to your house the morning before the incident. You seemed overwhelmed and you invited me in, explaining everything that was going on. You told me you went to the store to get your flu shot, but ended up coming home with a pregnancy test, scared out of your mind. You didn't take it until I had already left. So, when I called the ambulance, I made sure they didn't give you an x-ray right away. I told them you might be pregnant. And good thing, too, because the ultrasound revealed you were most certainly pregnant. But the baby was fine, still is."

I tried processing everything in my head, waiting for reality to hit me. It just seemed to foreign to me. I hadn't seen Mike in forever, yet a part of him was supposed to be growing inside me.

"How far along am I?" I asked with a heavy sigh.

John paused a moment, clearly trying to figure out something in his head, as he had a perplexed look on his face. "It's gotta be a little over 10 weeks now, if I'm remembering correctly."

That meant the baby would be here in less than six months. I would be a mom in less than six months. But there's no way there would be a dad for this baby in less than six months. We would be alone. The stress I was feeling earlier compared nothing to the wave that hit me now. Reality set in as I began to accept the fact that this was my future. A tear formed in my eye.

"Hey. What are you crying for? This is good news, Demi. You're going to be a mom and the baby is healthy. This is something to be happy about. You don't need to cry."

John's voice was like that of a mother trying to soothe her child after he fell and scraped his knee; it was comforting. But sometimes, no matter how much comfort you are given, it still isn't enough. Fact is truth, and the truth was, the future wasn't promising. The future wasn't happy. Bringing a child into the world under my circumstances wasn't something to be excited about. And, unlike John, I didn't have the ability to overlook things like that and just remain positive. "I can't, John."

"You can't what?" he asked with whole-hearted concern.

"I can't do this. I can't do any of it. I can't be happy. I can't find the good in this. I can't raise a child like this. I can't be on my own. I just can't."

The more I said it, the more it seemed like the truth. I was convinced there couldn't be a good ending. This wasn't how things were supposed to be, and I didn't know how well I would be able to take care of myself, let alone a whole other being who would be far more helpless and vulnerable than myself.

"Now I don't believe that for a second. You're acting like your life is over. That's not even close to the truth. You're going to be a mom, so what? You are more than capable to handle that. Sure, it may be hard. Your life is going to change. But that doesn't mean you can't do it. You've already done so many things in this hospital alone that you weren't supposed to even be able to do. So you're really going to tell me that you can't go through with raising your baby?"

John's expression was totally serious, one I rarely saw grace his face. It was sympathetic, compassionate, carefree, just serious. And that's how I knew he wasn't just saying these things to make me feel better. He was saying it because he meant it, because he wanted me to believe it. But he would have to be dissapointed.

"You say it like it's that easy-"

"Because it is. What's the worse thing that can happen? What makes you think you can't do it? What don't you have?" John seemed almost desperate for my compliance.

I looked up, trying to keep the tears from slipping out of my eyes, picking my hands up from my lap, palms up, trying to sound convincing, but lacking the words to say it. "I'm alone, John. I'm all alone without a job or a house to even have a sense of stability. And this baby will grow up in a town where everyone knows his father is a criminal. I can't live with that."

"So that's it, huh? You're just going to give up? After everything, you're just going to give up now?"

He was disappointed. Angry. Upset couldn't even describe the look on his face. And I had never seen him look this way before.

"John, you don't understand1 I'm alone with no support system. I can't do this1" I said, on the verge of losing all self control to keep my emotions inside.

"No, Demi. I don't think you understand because you seem to forgotten everything I've done for you, all I've promised to you. And if that's not enough, I'm afraid I can't help you. Because I've given you my all. But I guess that'ls not what you're looking for."

I saw tears form in John's eyes with a face full of anger and frustration. And, for the first time since I woke up in the hospital, John walked out on me without even glancing back.

"John, please-" I croaked out, not knowing what I could possible say to convince him to stay. But, deep down, I knew it was hopeless, I blew it. And I didn't deserve him.

Alone in the bathroom with no easy way to get up and go back to bed, I put my face in my hands and just cried, praying for God to give me a way out, give me an end to it all.