Things I'll Never Say

A Bed for One

And, without even thinking or remembering what I had just been rambling on about, I found myself kissing John back, closing my eyes and losing all the anger and frustration that had built up inside me before. And then, the moment passed and John pulled away softly, looking me in the eyes, the moon lighting up his face.

"I wanted to tell you earlier, but I literally couldn't. The guys in there...they can't know we're friends."

His use of the word 'friends' struck my as ironic, considering the most recent event, but I kept my mouth shut and let him continue.

"All they think is that I've been visiting you to update you on the court case and to monitor your health progression to see when you'd be fit to come to court. They can't know it's anything more than that. If they do, I'd be seen as a conflict of interest and I wouldn't be allowed to work on this case. You understand, don't you?" John asked, still looking at me intently.

I nodded my head, looking down at his fingers that were fumbling together. It made perfect sense, more sense than anything else had this past year, and I had no reason not to believe him.

"I didn't want to hurt you, okay? But I couldn't have you knowing because I was afraid they'd become suspicious, especially with you riding all the way down with Officer James. I just couldn't risk it. And, while I was waiting at the station, I got the papers, to make it official.

John handed me a folder of paperwork that looked familiar from before. With the light of the stars shining down, I made out a single word: divorce. And my signature was already on it with a lawyer's verification.

'

"It was in the papers to confirm his identity. We thought it would make it easier on you if you just signed them all at once. I won't submit it if you don't want me to. I just thought if you'd want me to, it would be better to get it done now."

John had a way of saying even the harshest things in the kindest way possible. He had a gentle voice, a patient tone, and that look that made you believe he understood everything about you, and a little more. And it made me wonder how many other girls had felt the same way about him.

But I wasn't comforted, not after I actually thought about things. I was drawn back to the interrogation room, watching Mike pace the floors. And I remember his hands, those strong hands that had dealt so much pain, and how barren they were. He had moved on. He didn't care what happened to me. He just wanted to get out and be free. And so, I realized, if even Mike could realize the truth of what was the case all along, I should too. And I nodded my head in agreement, trying to disassociate myself from him and his crimes.

"It's for the better. Come here," John whispered, pulling me into a hug across the console of his car. "It's gonna be alright. Let's bring you home."

John waited for me to release myself from his grasp before pulling out of the lot into the dark and gloomy night,the moon lighting the way.

A few healthy moments of silence passed before either one of us spoke up to say anything. We had been driving a while, past the way to my house and past the way to the hospital. I had absolutely no clue where we were or where we were going. So, I decided to break the silence. "John, I realize I'm tired and still getting over a brain injury, but I haven't forgotten where I live."

"I was wondering if you'd pipe up to say anything. I thought you were asleep, actually. But I guess it's a good time to tell you that I'm not taking you to that house, it's up for sale with the divorce and his prison sentence. You said you wouldn't be able to afford the place anymore, so I found someplace better," he said with that cute smirk he makes when he's up to no good.