Things I'll Never Say

From Nightmares to Sweet Memorires

"Hey, it's okay, it's okay," John hushed, but my emotions overrided.

"No, he's got me!" I screamed, kicking my feet and covering my head with my arms.

I felt my hair being pushed out of my face with one tough arm wrapping around my swollen abdomen and another across my chest, rocking me back and forth. "Sshh, it was just a dream. You're fine. I've got you. No one can hurt you now."

With my breathing at a rapid pace and sweat beads on my forehead, I tried calming down my shaking body. This was the third night in a row that I had woken up from a nightmare involving Mike. He was locked away but still had the greatest control over my life. I couldn't keep living like this. "I can't do this anymore, I can't."

There were warm lips pressing behind my ear. "He can't get you now. We have the whole police force making sure of that. And we will find his partner, you understand? We will find him and lock him away for a long time. He can't hurt you anymore. You're safe here."

The baby began kicking more and more, clearly disturbed by my sudden panic. I took in a deep breath.

"I'm sorry," I breathed, finally coming into reality. "My dreams are so vivid, I just- I thought it was real and he found the house and stabbed me and I-"

John turned me around with my head pressed to his chest, his hand behind my head as my voice dropped off. "Let it out, Dems. Just let it out."

His thumb rubbed back and forth against my head as his hand maintained a gentle grip on my head. I managed no tears as I tried to stop shaking from the nightmare that was all to real for me. "How about we go up to your room so you can get more comfortable?"

I nodded, wiping my eyes as I pushed myself up off the couch.

"I can tell you've been tired lately and need your rest. I can stay, if you want. I'll just stay in the guest room," John offered, trailing behind me on the staircase.

I pushed open my cracked bedroom door and headed towards my bed. "Could you stay in here, actually? Until I fall asleep?"

He smiled gently, relaxing the previously tense muscles in his face, climbing in next to me. "Sure," John said, wrapping his arms around my stomach.

I closed my eyes as my head collapsed on my pillow, breathing in slowly as i felt John's body cradling mine. I couldn't sleep, but I pretended I was to satisfy John. Still, there was something beautiful about that moment, lying close and warm as my baby calmed with my nerves. All was peaceful on that night drawing closer to Christmas.

As I recounted old Christmas memories as a child, of snuggling by the fireplace with my mom or putting up the lights with my dad, I felt a smile begin to draw on my face. Soon, there was a flutter in my stomach, causing John's hand to jump back for a second from surprise. I heard a low, husky laugh escape his lips.

"Madison," I muttered under my breath, keeping my eyes closed.

"What?"

"Madison," I repeated, "How does Madison sound to you?"

I felt his soft lips press to my cheek. "It's perfect."

Smiling, I placed my hands on top of his, turning slightly to get more comfortable.

"But I thought you were sleeping," John continued, drawing in closer.

I let out a small laugh. "I've got too much on my mind."

"And what would that be?" John prompted.

"Christmas, Memories past, the future, Madison. Everything"

"I think I've got time," and I could feel his smile press against my cheek.

"Well, when I was a little girl my mom and I would bake a ton of cookies that would last throughout the whole Christmas season. My dad's favourite were chocolate chip, so we were sure to bake extra of those just for him. My mom had such a wide variety of taste that I couldn't even begin to guess what was hers."

"And you?" John interjected.

"I've always been more of a chocolate chip girl myself. But I could never say no to a good snickerdoodle," I smiled, picturing the scene with my eyes closed.

John let out a low laugh, vibrating against my cheek.

"And then we would decorate the house together, putting on all of the decorations on the tree except for the angel, that was for Christmas Eve. We would have the whole house adorned in a Christmas wonderland as we blasted our Christmas songs,singing along."

"What about your dad?"

"Well he would always let me help him put up the lights. He would take the ladder out of our garage and set it up for me as I put on the lower lights. I would always get down when it got too high, but he reserved me the honor of plugging them in as our house just seemed to light up the world... But the part I miss most is when he would lift me up to put the angel on and then dance with me until I passed out asleep."

I knew that was the one memory, the one tradition that I would never get back. There were many things I missed about my dad, but the best moments stayed in my mind forever, untampered with, unchanged.

"Are you still having trouble falling asleep? I've got something I'd like to show you," John said, sitting up slightly with his elbow pushing his body up from the bed.

I turned around, finally opening my eyes as I looked at him and replied, "I'm all yours."

"Get a coat. It's gonna be cold out."