Things I'll Never Say

Familiar Voice

It seemed the exhaustion on my face was well apparent to John as he said goodbye to me for the night, pulling me into a warm hug before he drove off down to his home. Not only was I tired, but I felt almost famished, my stomach starting to hurt from the lack of substantial food I had that day. Too tired to make anything, I grabbed an apple and a glass of water as I headed upstairs to my room, taking bites along the way.

The big comforter set John had bought me was probably the most comfortable blankets I had ever had my whole life. I seemed to be swallowed inside of it, the puffs drawing me in to a deep and comfortable sleep. But, I wasn't quite ready to go to bed yet, even though my eyelids were bound to collapse at any given minute. I had something I needed to do and I made a promise with myself that I would stay awake and get it done before calling it a night.

Finishing the apple, I put the core in the trashcan and took a sip of water. After John had brought me home, he went over to the hospital and picked up all of my things, so I finally had my cell phone back. Seeing it every night on my nightstand always made me think of one person I hadn't heard from since I had been married. And, every night, I contemplated calling her, not knowing whether now, with everything that's been going on, would be an appropriate time. But, after finally having time to myself to contemplate the whole thing, I resolved that it had been far more inappropriate that through my whole marriage, I had been banned from talking or seeing her. So, that night, I picked up my cell and called the once familiar digits of my mother's phone.

As I held the phone to my ear, all I could hear was the ringing tone that came through the speakers. Any other noise in the house I became instantly unaware of. As each ring went by, my heart beat a little faster. It was strange, I thought, that I would be nervous about calling my own mother. But even though it hadn't even been a year yet, the time away seemed like forever. And I never really got my chance to say goodbye.

The day Mike and I got married was, in a sense, the day I said goodbye to my past life. All of my friends, my family, everyone and everything I had ever known was seemingly gone forever. My life had changed entirely since I last saw my mom, and I was nearly a new person all together as a result. I guess my fear was, after making my first connection back to my life before everything went terribly wrong, my relationship with my mom would be entirely different too. And at this moment, all I wanted was some normalcy, some familiarity to my life. And if I couldn't find that with my mom, I don't know if I ever could with anything.

"Hello?" a frail voice picked up on the other line.

Immediately, a flood of emotion rushed at me as I heard this strange voice I had once known so well.

"Mom?" I managed to choke out as a lump of emotion came to my throat.

Her voice grew hushed as she let out,"Demi? Is that my Demi?"

I started to cry as I answered, so happy yet so scared,"Mom, yes, it's me, mom. It's Demi, your daughter. Mom, I'm so sorry."

My tears became uncontrollable and I began to choke on them as I listened intently to what she had to say, phone pressed tightly to my ear.

"Demi, why are you sorry? I'm so happy you called. I've been looking for you in all the phonebooks and online and I could never find you and I'm just so happy I get to hear your voice again. What's been going on? Why didn't you call me?"

She wasn't mad, just concerned. But I felt shameful and horrible anyway as I knew I would have to explain what a great mistake I had made and what mess I had wound myself up in.

"It's not good, Mom, it's not good. I, I made a big mistake and everything is so wrong right now. I'm pregnant, Mom. I'm pregnant and Mike is in jail and we are getting divorced and it's just not good, Mom. It's not good at all and I am just so lost and scared and I'm sorry."

The more upset I became, the more my sentences became repetitive and unintelligent as the conversation turned into me just rambling off the thoughts that came to my mind.

"Demi, don't cry, honey. Talk to me,"she hushed, drawing me back to the way she would comfort me as a child when I would scrape a knee."I'm not mad, baby, just tell me what's going on. Where are you staying? When did all of this happen?"

I took in a deep breath through my mouth in an attempt to calm myself down before continuing. "It's been wrong since the beginning, Mom. I've been trapped in the house with Mike and I couldn't get out. I was scared. He..beat me. I just, I couldn't-"

"Hey, slow down, Demi. It's going to be alright. I'm coming down to see you. I need you to tell me where you're staying."

My mom's voice remained calm the whole time, one of the many things I liked about her. She knew how to keep her cool even in the most urgent situations so that everything would turn out okay.

"Reagan, Country Club,"I managed, still at an emotional high.

"Okay, sweetie, Reagan Country Club. I'm coming tomorrow, okay? I'm coming to see you and it's all going to be okay. I want you to get some sleep so that we can hang out tomorrow, deal? You need to rest, honey."

I nodded my head as I let out a barely audible,"Deal,"wiping my tears as I did so.

"Alright, that's my girl. I love you, Demi. Sweet dreams,"she said, and i barely managed an "I love you, too" before ending the call, holding my phone in my hand as I drifted off into a deep sleep.