Mud | Obikin

4.

We lie side by side on the bed, sweated, waiting for our heartbeats to slow down.
For a moment, I experience unrestrained happiness. Inconceivable happiness.

This shouldn't have been. I am an idiot.

He interrupts my thoughts. "Whoa. Kriffing frightening!"

I can't believe it. Anakin remains Anakin, no matter what. I sigh as he continues, "You warned me against this when I was twelve."

I can only follow the path he is tracing. "What? The dangers of fucking your own Master?"

He chokes on his laughter. "Obi-Wan Kenobi, language, please! Yeah, you somehow warned me against this too, even if younger you was way more polite. I mean you said that we must preserve our individualities as a strong Bond is not an excuse to annihilate oneself."

He sits up on the bed to show me his best tedious Master impression. "Raise your shields, young one."

"I assure you that this wasn't the circumstance I was thinking of."

"Maybe I was! As you said to heartbroken teenage me: 'it is not unusual for Padawans to have a crush on their Master, at some point. It passes in time.'"

"I can't believe you were listening to my words."

I really said all of this, guiltily omitting that Masters may have crushes too.
I feel his gaze on me, and keep my eyes on the ceiling.

"You are panicking," he states.

"No, I'm not. No reason to panic. Sex is sex. Nothing worth talking about."

"Sex."

"Yes."

"This is what we had."

"So it seems."

"And you have this casual attitude toward it. And you are not panicking at all."

I do not respond.

"To be honest, I always imagined you would have made more resistance. In my thoughts, you were all 'no! Ani! Stop! We can't!'"

"It amazes me that you had such a detailed fantasy about it. Good thing I surprised you."

"You can easily say I've never been so surprised in my whole life."

I want to reply that surprise is not even near to what I feel. I'm not like this, my body and feelings do not rule my mind. I do not allow it.

"What's that face for?" He asks.

I am quick enough to find something to answer. "I'm thinking of that time my Master had the 'sex talk' with me, years before I actually had sex with anyone. He explained quite explicitly many things; anatomy, contraceptive methods, how to pleasure a woman, bed etiquette. I stared at my feet the whole time, blushing furiously. Qui-Gon certainly wasn't coy, and he couldn't understand my embarrass. I suspect he even enjoyed it a little. I wanted to bury myself into the ground, moreover as I had a colossal crush on him at the time. 'Be a gentle lover,' he said 'worry about your partner first'. I'm afraid that tonight I haven't been able to follow any of his teachings."

"Don't be. I can't complain."

I concentrate not to blush as teenage me would have.

"You never had the sex talk with me. I would have loved it. I too enjoy embarrassing you."

"You gave the impression that you were the one that could have taught me something on the matter."

All of this is going to end soon; his closeness, his naked body beside mine, even our awkward jokes.
I long to touch him, to hold him. Instead, I do nothing, we just let our shields come back, the distance between us growing each moment. When he exits this tent tomorrow, there will be nothing left.
Deep in my heart, I know that what happened tonight might destroy all we have together.