The Alpha Is My Key

Chapter 19

Janie's POV

There's a door. It's always there, in the back of my mind. I know what it holds, so I keep it locked tight. The door seems to be splintering, cracks appearing in it's foundation. The knob is rusted, turning a murky brown, from what used to be gleaming silver. The door was painted purple, or at least it was. It was the lightest color, so close to white, but looking close enough, it was a pretty enough color to make you want to change your bedroom walls. Almost a blank canvas, but enough to remind you why you liked it. In the corner, there was a flower sticker, a small contrast to the door.

Black now slathers the wood, uneven brush strokes from someone too sloppy to fix their mistakes. If you care enough, you could see the faint outline of the sticker. It's edges picking out, peeling slightly. Underneath, you could still see the iridescent color, a little reminder of the past. I never looked close enough to see it anymore. Once, I was interested, how the sticker could last so long, but now, it's just a faded piece of memory.

The door, it's full things I've wanted to forget, but every time I close my eyes, it creaks open, unleashing all of the pain hidden behind the dark. I haven't been able to get a good sleep in years. The last time I didn't have nightmares was the day they all originated.

So, I don't sleep, in hopes I can keep the door shut from my own pure will. It's never opened in daylight, but I know if I let my guard down, the nightmares will turn into hallucinations, mocking me in my everyday life. It used to be much worse, my brain unable to tell reality between the terror. It was until I ran away had I fully gotten a handle on my life, the door in place, seemingly glued shut.

Now, as I lay in the bed, curled into a ball, had the door become unleashed. Clutching my neck, the burning pain sliced through me, the wound not fully closed. My wolf was not able to accept or reject the mark, only because she was too busy protecting me while I was fighting my demons. She had taken over, while I was in the dark abyss of my mind, shrouded in panic and disaster.

My mate, the one meant to understand me, love and watch me grow, was the one that pushed me too far. I was turning on an ever spinning axis, desperate to get off the ride. I was becoming unhinged, memories passing me by too fast to remember, but enough to recognize. Recognizing was all it took to destroy me. Brendan hurt me beyond repair, I was something no one could fix now.

I had worked so hard to change my future from my destined past. I tried to become a different person, another version of me. I now realize what a fantasy I was living in to believe anything could be different. I was still this doll that could be controlled by her master. Bending to the most powerful, shying away from anger, filled with paranoia.

Janie 2.0 was a joke.

Looking back on it now, it was just a name, used as a life raft, keeping me afloat in the dark ocean of my thoughts. It was all just a joke. When it all boiled down, I would be back with my father, with more bruises and scars. And my brother, he would be more determined to see just how far he could push until I fell.

All I do is fall. Into what, I had no clue. But, even if I don't know much, I do know one simple thing.

When I hit the bottom, I will be dead.

I am a weak, pathetic use of a human with a family that was either dead, or insane. My life was set before I was born, but it had all spiraled down, too fast, too easily. Sitting up, it was almost I could see the cracks, moving across my skin, jagged an misshapen, black, and never healing.

Moving stiffly, I stumbled as my legs hit the ground. Moaning in pain, I moved slowly, trying not to agravate my body more. My wolf was fighting me to stay, wait to feel better, but I knew what she wanted. In the back of my mind, I could already feel the stronger pull, the string between two people that never seemed to snap. I wasn't the only one in my mind.

He was watching, observing. Waiting for my next move. I could sense him, lurking in the back, dangerously close to blowing my door wide open. A sliver of darkness, I could handle. But the hinges blown off kind of darkness? No one would survive.

Brendan could feel the emotions coursing through me, but I knew he was confused. I should be happy, I was finally marked by my mate, my beloved. It was all a girl should want. But, I wasn't satisifed. He marked me without my permission. It's a dream every little girl holds onto. Almost like a wedding. The candles, the roses, the 'I love you's', the looks of happiness. Being as realisitic as I am, I didn't expect the candles, or the romantic setting, but I at least wanted myself to say yes.

While my hormones had gotten the better of me, Brendan was fully aware I was not ready for something as big as this. I wasn't even comfortable kissing him yet. I still flinched when he touched me, I still hid when he was angry. Brendan wasn't stupid, he realizes that I'm scared, and lonely, but he still marks me, not realizing the repercussions. He had given me one of the biggest signs of love, forcibly.

Brendan, while he may be the smug man, he won't be for long. I was never going to accept this bond.

Even if the door opens. Even if it kills me.

***
Woah, stepping back from that depression blow of a chapter. Janie's mind is one funky place.

Soooooo, I just had my birthday, and it's crazy, I'm another year older. This year went by so fast. Super excited for the chapters to come, they are going to be mind blowing (hopefully).
However, I have my final exams in 7 days, so I will be free soon, don't worry, then I'll be rearing to go with a ton of new chapters.

I love each and every one of you,
-neary17