Falling Daisies

Chapter 5

It was a miserable wet night and the rain pelted down on my windscreen like bullets as I sped up the road, my stereo blaring out as I shouted along to the music; Paramore's Crush was playing. It was my favourite song to just let loose to. It made me feel like that scene from Footloose; the eighties classic, not that horrible remake, where Kevin Bacon just goes crazy in the warehouse.

That's how I felt, I just wanted to breakout and blow off steam. I knew I shouldn't have spoken to Mum like that and I semi contemplated turning the car around to apologise but right now I couldn't face people, I just wanted to be alone. Just round this corner and I'd be there.

I parked up my car and turned off the engine; the streetlight illuminating the wrought iron steeple of the church as I made my way up its gravel path, not caring that my hair was now plastered against my face or that my tears had probably ran my makeup to leave me looking like a mad racoon. There was a chill in the air too and I hugged my jacket tighter around my body.

I weaved my way through the graves until I came to one, still fresh with flowers, the mud not yet compacted, the headstone not yet set, just a small wooden cross with a small calligraphy etching in it that read:

RIP Margery Brown 1927 - 2012

I still couldn't believe she had gone; I wasn't ready for her to go... She couldn't just leave me alone like this! The heart attack had been sudden, unexpected. It seemed ironic after how long her condition had plagued her and yet that was how she went... I guess it showed when your time is up, it's up...

I fingered the petals of one of the daffodils, her favourite, that I had laid there a mere three weeks ago, wiping away a raindrop with my thumb and biting down on my lip. The tears had stopped now, I had no more to give, I felt drained and exhausted but my eyes glowed, throbbing.

"Grandma... I don't know if you can hear me or if you're even there... I just need you to let me know everything is going to be okay. I'm scared Gram; I can't do this on my own! Please, please, please come back to me... I try to be brave and strong for Mum and Tess and... Scott... I really do but I'm just a little girl that needs her family to tell her that they love her, to be the one to take care of me; I want to be a little girl again..."

"Hey, remember when we were tiny and we were in your back garden. Tess and Scott and I climbed that tree, each daring the other one to go higher. And I fell, do you remember? It hurt so much and I cried and cried and cried. But you were all around me, telling me it was going to be okay and that you loved me. They put that bright pink cast on my arm but that wasn't my protection. It was you, it was mum, it was Tess and Scott... It was Dad... You guys were my cast. But then I broke my family, it's my fault, I know but I'm so tired and sick and sad of feeling like this; like it's me against the world. There is so much darkness in my life and now you're gone the world just seems like a black hole and I can't breathe. I can't breathe Grandma. Come back to me, please. I miss you so much..."

I felt a choked knot in my throat but nothing would come; not a tear, not a cry, not a scream. I closed my eyes willing for a sign, for anything. Wasn't that what was supposed to happen? An icy chill suddenly swept across my body and my whole body shivered. I needed to get indoors before I froze to death.

Suddenly, I heard the sound of scuffing shoes on the path and I turned to see a figure coming up behind me. It was an elderly gentleman wearing a dog collar and I recognised him as the Vicar who directed the service for my grandma.

"Hello my dear," he smiled, speaking in a soft Scottish lilt. "Why are you outside all alone in this wicked weather? Come, come inside and dry off! We are just about to start our choir practice but you're welcome to stick around and watch and listen!"