Just My Random Junk~

Ehhh...

I'm not really sure if I'm even going to publish this. Probably not. I've honestly have given up in life now. I know it sounds like I'm some depressed jerk, and you're right. I am a depressed fool who has no will to even live. I don't want to kill myself. I just wish I were never born. Life is being a pain in the butt right now. I'm scared to tell the one person I've told everything to for the past two years what I feel like...because she's in a much worse place than I am. Am I not taking care of myself? Sure, I don't eat all the time. I stay up so late until I pass out. My entire body trembles at the sight of people who aren't in my family. I lack social skills. I hurt myself by biting my nails until they bleed. I scratch myself until I bleed...But...that's just not important to me anymore. My friends are important to me...and it kills me more and more the farther and farther we drift away from each other.

I've lost friends in the past...people have died, animals have died...and after losing that part of my childhood...nothing seemed right anymore. It's like someone just flipped a switch one year. All those people who taught me to be who I am today...died. All those animals that brought me comfort before I ever had my own pet...died. Precious memories are hazy. It's almost like it was all a dream. I hate it. I hate it with all my heart.

I just WANT someone to hold me tight...to tell me I'll be okay. But how the heck...and why the heck...would ANYONE do that for me...since I'm never around anyone. I have family. And, to be honest, it's very hard for me to love them. Especially when all they do is drag me to the ground. I feel like I did something well, and they point out all my mistakes. Nobody is perfect...why can't they see that?

Yesterday (or May 25th, depending on if I ever have to guts to even publish this...) I was so tempted to pour water on my bathroom floor, then force myself to slip and fall. Breaking my bones, or even falling into a coma doesn't seem so bad right now. If I could just have a break from life...I would be so happy. Being alone all day in my room is killing me. It's not the electronics that make me depressed. It's being alone. I tell myself, no, more like yell at myself to stay away from people. All they bring is pain. I can't be around people. I DON'T DESERVE FRIENDS. I've never been a good friend anyways. I'm always trying my best to be happy around them...but it's so hard...

I have to be alone. If I'm with people I panic, but if I'm not with people, I still panic. Books used to help. So did writing. But now, they just make me more lonely. In EVERY book I read, all of the people/kids have "friends". Usually, more than just one.

I want to slap the life out of myself for being a jerk right now. Who would even WANT to read this. I know I wouldn't. People don't like garbage anyways. Let alone would they want to go through it to find one good thing. Maybe that's how people see me. I'm trash. There MIGHT be something good about me, but everything else is so terrible...who would want to live with it?