Tales of Stupidity

#14: Unrelenting hiccups + Poorly timed coughing fits

My body dislikes me.

I have a severe case of Unrelenting Hiccups, and by this, I mean that my hiccups are like no others: they are by far the most persistent things I have to deal with.

And yeah, I know other people hiccup too - I'm not so dumb as to think that they don't, but Jesus Christ, I can hiccup for about 8 hours straight. No exaggeration there.

They lasted over the course of 3 days and 2 nights for my Duke Of Edinburgh Bronze Award expedition, and it got to the point where I had to blame other people for my own hiccups for some sort of satisfaction, so that I'd be able to pretend my body wasn't so weirdly at war with me. It'd go something like this:

Me: (hiccups, narrows eyes in irritation) Thanks, ______! (insert friend's name here)

Friend: 0.o What did I do?

Me: ...You made me hiccup...

Friend: ...Allllllrighty then...

And that's not even the worst part of my body disliking me!

I was ill maybe about a week ago, and after I had spent two days off school, my mum made me go back in to infect the rest of the school with the sickness I had which was still there.

I made it most of the way through my first day back without completely dying. Most.

That was five hours and fifty minutes. I still had ten minutes to go until the lesson I was currently in ended and I could go home. Just ten minutes. Not long. Ten minutes until freedom.

We had been sat, writing in complete silence for however long, when out of nowhere, my lungs stop working and I begin choking on oxygen. I thought I sucked at life in general, but at this point, I don't know how to fucking breathe.

This started off a coughing fit, which I tried to keep as quiet as I could, but it kept getting worse and worse. What's worse is that people kinda just watched and laughed, so if I didn't hate myself before, I sure as hell did then.

Whenever I thought it was over, and had begun trying to function like any other human being, it started all over again, and one of the girls sitting behind me offered me some water, which I took and tried to not die.

This sort of thing has happened on multiple occasions, and it always seems to be whenever everything has to be silent in a lesson. It never happens at home, when I'm free to cough up my lungs with no judgement whatsoever.

No, it never happens then. It always has to happen when I'm surrounded by judgemental turd-buckets with shitty haircuts and an ego higher than their IQ.

Maybe this should have been a Rant Book chapter. I'm not sure.

Oh well, it's staying in this book as it explains why I'm such a fail!

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See ya later, my little demons!

-F (admin)