'Babe, what're you doin'?'
Cheryl wandered into the bathroom, all bed hair and tired eyes, the morning of Halloween. Later that morning Sarah was picking me up and we were driving to Manchester together for the gig I had agreed to do the last time I had been there, and Cheryl was joining us later, planning to slip in a bit before I was due to do my set and watch.
She stood behind me now looking puzzled, as it was only eight in the morning and I was leaning over the sink, just scowling at myself in the mirror.
'What can I do with my hair?'
'Eh?'
'I want to do something with my hair, it's too long and boring and I'm bored of it.'
Smiling sleepily, Cheryl came up behind me and started running her fingers through my hair, then wrapping her arms around my waist she buried her face in it, her hands wandering up my top. 'Nah nothin' wrong with it.'
'Cheryl! I'm serious.'
'Well, just get it cut then... have you ever thought about dyin' it?'
'No, this girl at school came in once with green hair cos hers went wrong, it put me off for life!'
'She probably bleached the hell out of it babe, that's why.' Cheryl giggled. 'What if you went a bit darker?'
'How dark? I don't want to look stupid.'
'Like you ever could gorgeous.' Cheryl whispered, still with her face buried in my hair, bowing her head bit by bit and kissing me everywhere she could reach.
'What're you doing?' I said, starting to laugh.
'You... well I hopefully will be in a couple of minutes.'
'Oh my God, how are you like this in the morning?'
'You not up for it?'
I turned around and grabbed Cheryl in my arms, sweeping her down dramatically and kissing her, loving how she clutched my shoulders and laughed against my mouth.
'Not in here... get back to bed you.'
**
'Road trip, road trip, woop woop!' Sarah cheered as soon as we hit the motorway that afternoon, blasting the radio and winding the windows down.
'Sarah it's freezing, Jesus!'
'I'm kidding, I know... what's Chezza got going on today then?'
'Nothing, but it's just gonna get hectic if we go together. It's better if nobody knows she's going, she doesn't want any attention when I'm the one performing and other people are doing their thing too. Her words not mine.'
'Bless her... are you sure it's that though, or did she just not wanna risk getting in a car with me?' Sarah winked.
'Damn, you guessed it.' I grinned. 'Anyway I feel like I've not spent proper time with you in forever.'
'We were both at yours the night after you came home from Paris you dingbat.'
'I know but everyone was there, I meant just us two.'
'Awh, you soppy sod.'
'Shut it, d'you want a Nando's on me before the show or not?'
'Oooh, really? I knew I was your chaperone for a reason!'
'Other than Cheryl needing her car and me not having one yet, sure. Can I put some proper music on or what?'
'Oi, this is good! You're just gonna put Cheryl on anyway.' Sarah moaned as I scrolled through her iPod.
'No I won't, I'll put it on shuffle.'
'No don't do that, something embarrassing might come on, give it here.'
'Oooh why, you got some soppy love songs on here I don't know about?'
'P!ss off Kimbers, give it here!'
'Eyes on the road Hardcore!' I teased, holding the iPod out of reach. Sarah stuck her middle finger up at me and I put it on shuffle anyway, noticing Sarah glancing nervously at the thing every time a track came to an end, and visibly relaxing when something else came on.
'Awh look at you. What's on here that's so bad? You and my brother got a special song or something?'
Sarah went bright red and I burst out laughing. 'Oh my God you do don't you! Come on Saz what is it, please, I won't laugh any more I swear. I actually think it's really cute... me and Cheryl have our song, don't we? Come on what is it?'
'That really cheesy Westlife one, Flying Without Wings Sarah said through gritted teeth.
'Aaawwhh...'
'Yeah we're thinking of having it as the first dance at the wedding next year.'
Sarah said it with such a straight face that my mouth just dropped open. 'WHAT?!'
'Yep. We wanted to tell you together but... you can't kill me here cos I'm driving and that'd be you gone too, so...'
'You can't be serious!'
'No, I'm not.' She said, finally grinning and starting to laugh.
'You are not funny Sarah!'
'I totally am, I can't believe you fell for that again! Anyway why would it be such a bad thing? We've talked about it you know.'
'For real? Adam wants to get married?'
'One day, yeah! Suck it up Kimbers, we're gonna be family whether you like it or not.'
'You know you already are.'
'Good answer! Anyway I think you and Chezza might beat us to it.'
'No way.' I laughed.
'No? Why not?'
'I've never really been interested, and I'm pretty sure Cheryl's had it with marriage.'
'I guarantee you two are gonna do it, mark my words.'
'Whatever, can't you just drive quietly!'
'Fine I will... but you'll be bored and talking to me within fifteen minutes and you know it.'
'I bet I don't.'
'I bet you do, set the timer on your phone.'
'Fine, challenge accepted!'
**
'Wait.'
'Again?!'
'I'm just not sure!'
'I think it's gonna look great, seriously. Come on Kimbers we've only got two hours until your DJ friend picks us up.'
'Jake.'
'Whatever, am I doing it or not?'
'What if it goes really horribly wrong?'
'Then you can wear a hat or a wig and we'll strip your hair tomorrow.'
'What if Cheryl hates it?'
'She'll love it.' Sarah said impatiently. 'You've got five seconds before I quit.'
'Do it.'
'Hallelujah!' Sarah cheered, tipping the hair dye onto my head and starting to rub it in. 'Ooohh it looks good already... if it burns let me know.'
'Why, what does that mean?!'
Sarah laughed loudly. 'God I love you Kimbers.'
'...Yeah... as long as it doesn't rain tonight.'
**
I stepped down from the decks after finishing my set, and I was literally carried all the way to the back of the room by the crowd; they all pressed in around me so hard, I was lifted off my feet and I spotted Sarah, laughing and taking pictures as I levitated towards her, stumbling into her as I was thrown back onto my feet.
'That - was - AWESOME!' Sarah yelled, and plenty of the dispersing crowd, on their way to get more drinks, cheered loudly in agreement.
'Let's go outside.' I grinned, grabbing her hand. 'I need to ring Cheryl, you seen her yet?'
'Nope, not a sign, but I wasn't really looking yet.'
'How's my hair look?'
'Really hot. I'm not gonna have another drink or I might try and jump you.'
'Shut up you loser... it's not raining is it?'
'No it bloody isn't, come on woman! God Kimbers that was absolutely sick, I rang Adam halfway through and just held the phone up for ages, he didn't hang up or anything! You should see everyone when you play though, seriously...'
I let Sarah chatter away animatedly as we fought our way through the mass of people to get outdoors, which took a while as people stopped to talk to me, passers-by whooping my name. I felt elated, full of adrenaline, and I couldn't wait to see Cheryl.
However, it became clear after an hour of traipsing around the building and the surrounding area that Cheryl wasn't actually there. While we looked, I tried her phone about eight times, and each time it simply rang out before going to her answerphone.
'This isn't right, I don't think she came at all.' I said to Sarah, sat outside on a wall while she had a cigarette.
'What makes you think that?'
'If she was here why wouldn't she answer the phone, or text me and let me know where she was waiting or something? I'm telling you she's not here.'
'Let me try and ring her.'
'What bloody difference will that make? I've rang her about ten times!' I snapped, snatching the cigarette from her. 'Sorry...'
'S'ok hon. I'm sure she's got a good explanation, Cheryl wouldn't just let you down like this.'
I nodded slowly, handing back her cigarette. 'Thank you. Thief.'
'I'm gonna try her again.'
That time, I left Cheryl a message. 'Hey babe it's me... where are you? Look I understand if you couldn't make it for whatever reason but I'm worried about you, so just... answer, or call me back, please? I love you.'
As soon as I heard myself say I'm worried about you, my mind started going into overdrive, not helped by the drinking I had done.
'Sarah what if something's happened to her?'
'Don't be daft.'
'No, it takes hours to get up here she could've had an accident, on the motorway--'
'Kim, pack it in don't do that--'
'Well why else wouldn't she answer the phone, there must be something wrong!'
'Right, I'm gonna get you some water.'
'Like there's any of that here Sarah.'
'True. You know what let's go back to the hotel yeah? You can keep trying her there. We're not gonna enjoy ourselves sticking around here.'
**
We got a taxi back to the hotel, and all the while I still tried Cheryl's phone. I had let myself start to think the worst and I couldn't shift it.
'Kimbers you need to calm down, please.' Sarah said, looking exhausted once we got back in the room.
'I can't. Something's happened to her.'
'You--'
'I need to get home now.'
'I can't drive until the morning.'
'I'll get the train like last time, They're probably still running--'
'Right.' Sarah firmly gripped my shoulders, staring intently at me. 'You need to calm yourself down. When you find out that she's not here for a perfectly good reason you're gonna feel like an idiot for acting like this. We'll drive back first thing I promise, but you are not going anywhere tonight. Let's just get some sleep yeah?'
I shook my head. 'Something's wrong Sarah. Even if she had something she suddenly absolutely had to do, she would have text me. That's the absolute least she would've done.'
Sarah sighed heavily, falling onto the bed. She didn't seem to know what else to say to me.
'Will you go on the internet on your phone and see if there have been any accidents while I ring her again?'
'Kimberley, she--'
'Please Sarah!'
'Alright, alright I'll check.'
Pacing up and down, I rang Cheryl's phone again and swore when it went to the answerphone for the billionth time.
'Cheryl. I need to know if I'm being totally stupid being this worried. I need to know where you are babe, please call me back.'
I hung up and sat beside Sarah, starting to count in my head, wondering how much I should count to before calling her again.
I gasped as my phone buzzed and a message from Cheryl flashed up. 'It's her!'
'Thank fcuk for that.' Sarah said.
Kim, I'm fine. Don't worry. Call u 2moro x
I felt a pang of anger and hurt. That wasn't enough. I rang her again, and this time it went straight to answerphone; Cheryl had sent that message, and turned her phone straight off.
'What the fcuk Cheryl!' I yelled, chucking the phone down and lying back on the bed, throwing my arms over my face.
'What's going on?'
'She's fcuking turned her phone off! What the hell's going on?!'
Sarah just shrugged in disbelief. 'Well... at least you know she's alright now.'
'That doesn't tell me anything, not really. If it was the other way around that wouldn't be enough for her.'
Picking up my phone again, I scrolled to Lily's number and pressed call.
'Hello?'
'Lily, is Cheryl with you?'
'Who's this?'
'It's Kimberley, who else would it be?'
'Oh, sorry... hang on...'
I sighed impatiently, completely disregarding the time and that Lily had probably been asleep.
'What's up?'
'Is Cheryl with you?'
'No, I'm at home... why?'
'D'you know where she might be, d'you have any clue please?'
'Well... no not really, she's got nothing booked has she... why what's going on?'
'Forget it.' I snapped, hanging up.
'What're you gonna do now?' Sarah said timidly.
'I haven't got a clue... actually I'm gonna try her brother... I dunno should I? I don't want to worry anyone.'
'But you know she's ok, she text you.'
'It was about a six word text, it's not stopped me worrying. She's never been like this with me before. She leaves me that message then turns her phone off, she purposely ignoring me and I don't know why.'
Sarah remained silent, just picking at her nails.
'I dunno what to suggest Kim, I don't know what to say.'
'I know... I'm sorry. Manchester must be a curse, our nights out here always end up going to sh!t don't they?'
'Definitely seems that way yeah.'
'I'm sorry.'
'It's not your fault hon. Let's try and get some sleep yeah?'
**
I must have got about two hours sleep the whole night. I couldn't figure out not only why Cheryl had failed to show, but for whatever reason it was that she didn't feel she could tell me. I tried her phone a couple more times through the night to see if she had switched it back on, but each time my heart sank when it went to the machine, time and time again.
One time, I got out of bed and slipped out of the room before I called, not wanting to wake Sarah. I knew the phone wasn't on and Cheryl probably wasn't even awake, but I had to say something.
'Cheryl it's me... again. Look I don't know what's going on but this isn't fair. Not only have you stood me up but I don't know why and I was out of my mind, I still kind of am cos I just don't know what's going on. Just, whatever it is, try and understand how you'd feel if things were reversed cos I know how mad you'd be at me. I'm so worried about you. So... I'll leave you alone now. Talk to you tomorrow. Just please call me Chez. Love you.'
I went and got back into bed almost in tears, and Sarah was awake. Wordlessly she rolled over and gave me a hug. 'Go to sleep Kimbers.'
'I will now. I'm done for tonight.'
'It'll be ok.'
'Hope so.'
**
'You heard anything yet?' Sarah asked quietly. We were halfway home, most of the journey having been in silence. Poor Sarah didn't know what to say to me; she knew she couldn't do anything to take my mind off it or cheer me up, simply because I was so uncertain about what was happening. And even when she did try I was unresponsive.
'Not a dickybird.'
'This is fcuking ridiculous now.' Sarah spat.
'It was ridiculous anyway.'
'What the fcuk does she think she's playing at for real? She's fcuking ruined your night, and not just cos she didn't show, I swear to God I'll have her for this one.'
'It's ok--'
'It bloody isn't Kimberley look at you! You look like you've had about ten minutes sleep, I can tell you've been crying too so don't deny it. Even if she couldn't be arsed, why couldn't she just tell you? Doesn't she ever think about how you feel?!'
'Yes she does.' I said weakly.
'Yeah, afterwards. And that's not good enough.'
I turned more towards the window, tears in my eyes. Sarah didn't speak again until she pulled into the next service station, squeezing my thigh when the car came to a stop. 'Sorry Kimbers, I don't wanna upset you too.'
'You're not, you're right. Everything you're saying is what I'm thinking.'
'D'you want a coffee or anything?'
I shook my head. 'I just wanna go home.'
'Course... I just need a pee, I'll be quick yeah?'
'Sorry.' I whispered, tears filling my eyes again.
'Stop apologising, you idiot. You've not done anything. I'll get you some tissues as well.'
**
We got back to the house just after two in the afternoon. It didn't even register with me that Cheryl's car wasn't there.
'What're you gonna say to her?'
'I don't even care anymore that she didn't come, I just want to know what's up... I'll let you know.'
'Okay... d'you want me to stick around in case you need a quick ride anywhere?'
I actually smiled. 'No thanks, get yourself home. You've been great, yet again--'
'Oh don't start. Good luck!'
'Yeah.'
'Cheryl?' I called as soon as I closed the front door behind me. 'Cheryl?'
I wandered around downstairs, hearing only silence, but I went upstairs anyway, still calling her name. 'Chez you up here? Cheryl?'
Going back down into the kitchen, I stood by the kettle, not moving to pick it up when it boiled. I was more angry now than upset. I snatched up my phone and called her yet again.
'Cheryl where the hell are you?!' I shouted at the machine.
I didn't know what else to do. I was tempted to call her family but I didn't want to worry them and then find out it was nothing. I even thought about calling the police; I just sat there thinking the worst minute after minute. Somebody else could have sent that text from her phone...
It was dark by the time I got a text from Sarah, giving me a heart attack in the process, thinking it was Cheryl.
Sarah: U ok? Xx
Me: No. She's not even home yet. X
Sarah: Wtf... have u called her mum? Xx
Me: No, don't want to worry her for nothing x
Sarah: I don't want this to sound bad but it's not nothin.. she might know somethin xx
Me: If she's not back by 9 I will x
Sarah: Call me if/when u need to xx
I somehow managed to fall into a light sleep, sat up on the couch, and when I jolted awake it was nearly eleven at night. It took a few seconds to realise what had woken me up, but then I heard movement in the hallway and jumped up so fast I actually fell over.
Cheryl was hanging her jacket up, looking completely exhausted. She looked pale, but her eyes were a bit bloodshot and red around the outside.
'Where the fcuking hell have you been?!' I shouted, making her jump.
'Jesus Ki--'
'What the hell Cheryl?! Where've you been for nearly two days? I get one text and you turn off your phone, d'you have any clue how out of my mind I've been?'
Cheryl didn't even look at me as I shouted, starting to walk past me, her eyes just staring lifeless at the floor. 'Not now Kim.'
I grabbed her arm, not tightly but enough to make her stop. 'Yes, now. You stink of fags, what the hell's going on Cheryl?'
'Not now. I'm tired.'
'Yes, now! If I did this to you you wouldn't just fcuking let me go to bed Cheryl! Where've you been?!'
She changed in a second. She looked at me, no expression on her face or in her eyes. Then all of a sudden she was hysterical. Her eyes filled up and she sobbed, covering her face and simply falling to the floor, howling.
My reaction was instinctive. I went to the floor with her, gathering her in my arms and holding her against me, my anger evaporating. I had never seen Cheryl cry like this before; she couldn't catch her breath. It was like a lifetime's tears were desperate to pour out of her in that moment.
'Babe, what is it, calm down please... Cheryl, look at me, you're scaring me, babe what's happened? Breathe, Cheryl ssshhh...'
It was nearly an half an hour later when I managed to calm Cheryl down enough to get her sat on the sofa. She still hadn't said a word; the most I had got out of her was a shake or a nod of the head. She sat clinging onto me for dear life, her body shaking and her tears soaking my top.
'Cheryl?'
She made a small noise, indicating she had heard me.
'I need you to talk to me babe, I need to know what to do.'
I felt her nod her head .
'Has somebody hurt you?'
Cheryl shook her head.
'Have you hurt yourself, have you been in an accident?'
Another shake of the head. I felt a little better knowing she wasn't hurt but I didn't know what else to say.
'Okay... erm... Chez I don't know what to do. Baby I need you to tell me what to do. How can I help you?'
'You can't.'
'What? Why, Chez please tell me what's wrong--'
'I - I went - I went to a funeral today.'
