Pieces Of Us - Until I Find You Again // Book Two

Chapter 15

I sat in Diana's office in silence while she looked back at me, waiting for an answer to her question. I didn't know the answer. I didn't even want to contemplate the answer. She set her coffee down on the desk and sat forward,
"Harry-"

"I don't know ok? It wasn't a conscious choice if that's what you're thinking."

She sighed,

"You came here because you wanted to get to the bottom of your anger towards her. Why you'd chosen to hurt her so deeply. I asked you a question. Why did you allow yourself to become voiceless in this relationship?"

I picked at some imaginary lint on my jeans. Had I done that? I didn't feel like I was voiceless. But clearly I was. Em called the shots in our relationship; from the day we'd met she had the upper hand.

I sighed,

"I just wanted her to be happy."

Diana nodded,

"That's noble. But at the expense of your own happiness? And besides, who says that her happiness hinged on your silence?"

"I was happy. I'd never been happier."

"Then why did you go so far across the line both times she pulled away from you? When she refused your first marriage proposal and when she gave you the ring back."

I thought about that for a moment. The first time she'd refused my marriage proposal I had been devastated. I couldn't understand why and my mind immediately went to the worst possible answer. And so instead of communicating with her and telling her just how scared I was, I almost tanked our whole relationship.

But we'd fixed those issues. We'd given ourselves rules and we stuck by them. I was secure in our relationship. Until the next time she threatened it by giving me the ring back,

"Because when she pulls away it forces me to see all the ways she still keeps me at an arm's length."

Diana nodded,

"Now we're getting somewhere." She sat back in her chair, "You want her to feel some of the fear you feel when she pulls away."

I shook my head as I processed what I'd just said. I wanted to know about her parents. I wanted to know why she'd never mentioned them. I wanted to know why she still kept things from me, burying them so far inside of herself that I wasn't sure if even she knew they were there.

I put my head in my hands,

"Shit." I whispered. I shook my head, "I don't - I'm not - " I focused on Diana, "I didn't do this to force her hand." I finally finished.

Diana was sympathetic. I knew she wasn't judging me but it didn't matter. I was judging myself. She took a breath,

"Harry, when she asked you why you'd cheated your first day in here...you answered her very honestly. You said you wanted her to hurt the way she'd hurt you."

I nodded,

"But I meant hurt me when she gave me the ring back. Not for some kind of payback because she kept me on the sidelines of her life." I stood up, "Jesus Christ...I am an asshole." I said as my eyes widened.

Diana watched as I paced back and forth,

"Harry, you are allowed to feel pain through all of this. You are allowed to feel irritation and resentment."

"Am I? I cheated. That negates anything she did."

Diana sighed,

"You cannot bury your feelings. That's how we got here to begin with. She needs to know how you felt. She needs to know how you feel now. She needs to know what it does when she pulls away."