Life, I Guess

2

I'm sitting on the bench my "friends" and I sit at every day. As Devin rounds the corner and walks towards me, I smile at him. He is attractive, there's no denying it. I love him.

"Hey." Devin pulls out an earbud.

"Hi, baby." I stand up and wrap my arms around his neck. I feel the glare of others, but this makes me happy. So it's important. So it matters. So I should be happy, right? Stop. I hold on a little longer.

"You okay?" Devin asks with an accusing tone.

"Mhm!" I smile. I don't want him to know. He already knows. Look down look down look down.

"No, you're not." He pulls me to the side, away from the others. "What's wrong? Stop lying to me. It's insulting."

I flinch at his words. "I just don't want to be here, okay?" I try to think of what will convince him I'm okay. "I'd rather be alone with you...in my room...and-"

Devin kisses me. "Okay." He smiles. When Devin smiles, his entire face changes. He shakes his head and laughs through his nose.

"What?" I poke his stomach.

His root beer eyes meet mine. Of course, I'm looking up at him. He's taller by a few inches, a skinny frame, and his beautiful wavy black hair. I could never get enough of him. My heart rate is steadying when I look at him.

"Nothing. You're cute," he says and takes me into his arms again. I have fooled him again.

The bell rings signaling the end of the short break. We hold hands and he walks me to class. I don't want to leave him. I'm okay around him. He hugs me goodbye.

The minute I walk into the classroom I am down again. I look at the board, get out my necessary supplies, and stare at the desk. I only have a month left of junior year. I should be excited to be out of school. I won't have to encounter over 1000 people everyday. I won't have to immediately get out of bed. I won't have to pretend to care. I can hang out with Devin and be myself. My sad, anxious, odd self.

"Class, today we'll be starting our last new section before reviewing for finals..."

Finals. Grades. College. Dad. Judgement. Perfection.

I'm gripping the desk.

Will could get a higher score.

"It's not hard, and you'll get the hang of the lesson by tomorrow."

I can get it by today.

"Any questions?"

Nope, I understand everything because that's what I do. I understand things, I ace tests, I'm going to get into a good school, I'm going to succeed in life, I'm going to be able to put this behind me once I have everything I'm supposed to.

My heart rate is increasing. My legs are shaking.

Devin would be so happy. Devin understands me.

I barely notice that I've started my class work assignment. Answers have been flowing out of my hand, and I struggle to remember where they came from.

Way to go, you spaced out.

I nervously tap my left hand on the desk as my right continues to write. My desk partner looks at me. I think he asks me to stop.

...stop.

Stop.

I focus on my writing, watching the pencil form letters. I take deep breaths. I finish the assignment. I reach for my phone in my backpack and imagine what the phone screen looks like with Devin's notification on there.

Devin <3    10:17 am
iMessage

I tell myself not to get my hopes up. He doesn't know I was feeling panicky just now. I unlock my phone with my passcode, the day Devin and I got together, and am welcomed with a selfie of us. I open my messages.

Have fun

I respond:
No fun is being had here. Help.

I put my phone away, but then decide I want to check to see if he's responded. I could've missed my screen lighting up as I reached to put it back in my backpack, or shut it off just as his text was coming in.

Devin <3   10:26 am
iMessage

Unlocking my phone again, I pause at my background. We look so happy. Look.

I'm sorry

Wow, how supportive. I roll my eyes. Why can't he hear me screaming at him? I stare at my phone and imagine him sounding genuinely concerned. Better.

I'm so alone.