Life, I Guess

13

For the first time ever, I answered the voice in my head telling me to spill everything. I told her about the little voice, my doubt, how I feel ignored all the time, how I miss Alexis, and that one time I was ashamed at myself for even glancing at scissors. However, the look on Veronica's face told me I made a mistake.

We are never doing that again. Get ready to take her home in the morning.

"I... I had no idea, Sam." Veronica takes a long pause, and we both stare at the ceiling as if there are the right words up there. "I thought you just wanted to be alone with Devin all the time. I didn't think it was because you thought we didn't want to be your friends anymore, well, except for Alexis."

"Yeah," I mutter.

"Are you okay?"

"No."

"What do you think you should do? It seems like you know the source of your problems."

I glance over at Veronica, confused. "I do?"

"Devin..?"

Devin isn't the issue, he's what makes them go away. Don't let her say that. Make something up.

"Oh, well... I don't think that's the source." My eyes nervously flit around the room until they land on a framed photograph of my dad and me. "I think it's Dad."

"Oh, why?"

"Well when he left when I was 9, problems started happening." It wasn't a lie, but my anxiety didn't start then. My attachment to people did, though.

Your dad is actually the problem, see? No worries. Devin is fine.

"I understand. When Mom died, all my female friends-" she nudges me, "-became my go to, you know? I didn't have anyone to talk to about makeup or tampons or boys with. Sorry for blaming Devin. I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay," I intervene, cutting the Devin talk short. "I just... Need a male in my life, I guess. Jason was there for me throughout junior high and the beginning of high school, but now he's not around all the time. And Calvin is too young to relate with. I dunno. It hurt me, and I'm sad. I feel like no one can know I'm sad though. Yet, I still have subtle cries for attention."

"Mhm... I get it. But that's not what those scissors are for. Please don't hurt yourself, Sam."

I'm surprised she's still stuck on that one comment. I've never harmed myself. I don't even know why the idea crossed my mind. "I won't."

"Or do drugs?"

"No drugs."

"Or become a teen mom?"

"Not intentionally." A glare results. "What?" I giggle. Another glare. "Oh, come on. I'm a teenage girl with a boyfriend." The glare intensifies. "What?!"

"No."

"Well, we haven't talked about it."

"Then you're not ready, case closed!"

"Are you going to give me the Jesus talk now, Mom?" I nudge her shoulder.

"I just don't want to see you hurt. Hurt by yourself, hurt by Devin, hurt by your dad... It's all unacceptable and I will fight whoever or whatever hurts my Sam." Veronica hugs me, but I end up toppling into the pile of decorative pillows on my bed. "Let's go to bed, I want my beauty sleep for all the makeup we're gonna have fun with."

"We should bring Jason with us. He would be so confused!" I comment.

You're actually being a normal teenage girl. This is what life is. Too bad you can't tell Devin about it.

Devin.

Why hasn't he texted?

I check my phone one last time, then turn it off along with the lights.

Veronica clears her throat. "So Jason is kinda-"

"I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT GOOD NIGHT BYE I WILL DISOWN YOU OKAY."

Veronica laughs. "Good night!"

Wow. I feel... Light. And myself. The "myself" that isn't "Devin's girlfriend" or "anxiety girl" or "child of divorce".

I am Sam.

A Sam who needs Devin to talk to about how great you feel.

***

"Sam, I'm hungry."

"Mmph."

"Sam, I want food." I open my eyes. "Sam." I close them again. "Saaaaaam!!!"

"Fine, fine, okay I'm awake," I mumble. I grab my phone. It's a little past nine, and there aren't any signs of Devin except for my phone's wallpaper. "Did you want to make something here or go to Cat's?"

"We should make muffins. I want muffins. And coffee!" Veronica suggests.

"Give me a minute." I stumble into the bathroom and brush through my hair, wash my face, then glance in the mirror.

Devin would never want to wake up next to this. Veronica looks doe-eyed and beautiful in the morning, and you're a mess. No wonder he's not texting you.

I walk back out.

"Hey, are you all right? If you wanted to go to Cat's that's not a problem." I avoid eye contact. "Sam?"

Don't say a word about Devin. You talk about him to much. There is nothing wrong.

"Yeah, just didn't sleep well. Muffins are perfect. I'll start the coffee pot, too." We walk into the kitchen together, and Jason is standing over a pan filled with bacon. Dad is over by the coffee pot pouring two princess mugs with coffee.

"Good morning, you two! We made bacon and coffee, and eggs are made to order," my dad cheers.

"Oh, Veronica and I were going to-" I stop short as I realize Veronica is already stuffing her face with bacon. "We were going to ask for two spinach and jack cheese omelettes." Veronica nods.

I don't know what today will bring, and I don't know if I want to find out. Usually when I'm at my dad's, I get things I need from stores I don't have at Mom's and I text Devin. Having Veronica here means I can still shop, but...

Devin doesn't want to talk to you.

"'Scuse me I need my jacket, it's a little chilly in here," I excuse myself. I walk back to my room and wrap myself in my covers.

Maybe I should accept defeat. I told myself when Devin and I started to drift apart, I would spend hours crying, formulating ways to bring him back. Right now, I can't even cry. I just stare at the wall in disbelief.