Life, I Guess

12

"You have checked your phone probably a hundred times in the past half hour, Sam. What did he do?" Veronica points out. She pauses the movie, and Daisy groans.

"What now, Sam? You never shut up about Deeeeviiiiin," says Daisy.

I ignore Daisy and say to Veronica, "He didn't do anything. And that's the problem. I texted him two hours ago. NOTHING!" I flop back onto my bed. As soon as my head hits the comforter, I realize my eyes were closed.

He could've texted!

I raise my phone to my face, but there's still a blank screen.

"Okay, turn your volume all the way up, put the phone down, and watch the movie with us. That's an order."

What if the phone has a malfunction? What if I still don't hear the tone over the movie? What did Daisy mean by what she said?

Reluctantly, I do as I'm told, and return my gaze to the mind numbing movie Daisy picked out. It's a stupid musical about finding friends in school, and I can't help but wonder how the actors feel about their roles. Do they know every "friend tip" they say is a lie? Do they think this movie is their big break? Why are they all so pretty?

Why don't you have friends? Oh, that's right. You always talk about Devin. Who, by the way, is ignoring you.

I tell myself he is doing homework or something, but I feel ignored. I'm basically a professional when it comes to being ignored. Let me outline this in steps:
1. The "what's going on?" stage
2. Denial of situation
3. Excuses
4. Denial of self
5. Accepting ignorance

Half a year ago, step 1 would've taken a week or so to get past. Now, steps 1-5 happen in a matter of hours. However, the pain of being ignored doesn't change. I can accept it, but it still hurts like a cold fist pushing up into my rib cage.

BRING.

Devin?!

I whip around to my phone.

Will   7:34 pm
iMessage

Not what I wanted. I slide open the text anyway.

Was there English homework tonight?

I reply quickly while Veronica squints at me.
Yes, chapters 13&14. Discussion questions are online.

Will:
Cool thanks. Have a good weekend.

Should I tell him how it's already going? Should I reply "you too" or is that too forceful? Why doesn't he want to carry on a conversation about school? Am I that scary?

Eh, I'll try! You too.

There. Not too dramatic, not too forceful. I put my phone back down and sit next to Daisy.

BRING.

I put my phone on silent and I open another message from Will.

That doesn't sound too good. You at your dads again?

I briefly recall grumbling about it in calculus this morning, but it never crossed my mind that Will actually pays attention. We usually just talk about school. At least, that's what I view it as. I guess I do talk about other stuff with him.

I hope Devin doesn't think Will and I are getting too close.

Yes, I'm there. It's okay cuz Ron is with me.

I cringe at calling Veronica "Ron" but that's what Will calls her. Will, "Ron", and I used to be a very tight knit group, but after coming back from Christmas break, we all kind of drifted. The only time we're all together is at break.

Will:
Cool it's like the gang is together except me. Thanks for the invite.

I would've invited you but I don't think my dad would want a guy sleepin on my floor haha

"Did he finally text back?" Veronica asks.

"No, I'm texting Will," I put plainly.

There's a flicker of anger across her face, then relief. Almost as if she were to say, "I'm going to let you text Will, but not Devin." There's this subtle agreement hanging in the air.

Will:
Not even a gay one haha

Sorry, not even a gay one

I chuckle to myself.

Why are you happy? You're being ignored by the guy that matters.

Will:
Well, I hope your weekend picks up. Have fun with Ron, see ya Monday

I put my phone on my pillow and hop back onto Veronica's bed in front of the TV to finish the last half hour of torture.

"I missed you," says Daisy as she cuddles up next to me.

I didn't really miss her that much, but you can't say that to a 6 year-old. "I missed you, too."

"Will you come up more often and stay longer, like Jason?" she asks.

"Oh, I don't know, Daisy... Jason doesn't have to go to school right now. I only have a month left of school, and then I'll be here for two whole weeks at a time! But let's watch the movie and I'll talk to Daddy tomorrow." Daisy nods.

My heart begins to beat harder, like a large drum being struck with a mallet. Two whole weeks without Devin would be tough. My train of thought drifts from Devin and begins to swirl into thoughts about the past few years of my life.

Dad leaving. Heather. Daisy. Moving. Sadness. Doubt. Doubt. Doubt. Ignorance. Mom. College. Acceptance. Dad leaving. Heather...

When the movie finishes, Daisy heads to bed. Veronica closes the door as Daisy leaves, and looks at me somberly.

"Are you okay? You have that deer-in-the-headlights look to you."

"I just... I miss a lot of things. I didn't know I missed them until I thought about something other than Devin."

"Well, that happens when we basically fast from things we typically have, such as a boyfriend."

"Yeah, I guess. I'm sorry for what happened when-"

"How about you just tell me why you're sad. I know you're sorry for things that happened between us when Devin entered the picture, and I don't need to hear your apologies again. Just tell me what's on your mind. This is what I'm here for." Veronica lays her head in my lap as I sit cross-legged on the bed.

"Well, for starters..."