Life, I Guess

11

Three months ago...
"I think I love you," Devin whispers into my lips before kissing them again.

He's just saying that to get in your pants.

"I think I love you, too," I say back, even though I've known I do for weeks now.

We're watching a movie at Devin's father's house, and his father stepped out to go buy some pizza for us, leaving us here with Devin's 26 year-old brother, Harry. Harry immediately let us be, and retreated to the office.

Devin is on top of me on the couch, and I feel trapped, like I need to escape. But when Devin kisses me, I forget about my fears and give in. It's only when we come up for air that I struggle underneath his weight.

You could get caught, idiot.

"Okay, Dev, can we-"

"Baby, shh.." He tries kissing me again.

My heart feels as though an iron fist is gripping it, and liquid fear spreads through my veins. I put both hands on Devin's chest and push him off of me.

"What's wrong? You okay?" Devin is smiling, and doesn't let his hands leave my body.

It's all for himself.

"Yeah, I just need a second." I relax back into him, but this time my back is to him.

"Oh, okay," Devin huffs. He knows I'm getting nervous again.

"I'm sorry," I apologize almost immediately.

"It's fine," Devin sighs.

You could get caught. He doesn't actually love you. It's all your fault.

I can see my heart beating through my shirt, and Devin stiffens behind me. He probably thinks I'm having a panic attack or something.

We sit like this for a few minutes and wait for me to calm down. When I no longer feel a hard thumping in my chest and regain some warmth, I wrap my arms around Devin's waist and put my head on his chest.

"Hi, sweetie," he says to me.

I look up to him, and kiss him lightly. "Thank you."

"Of course." Devin kisses me once, then leans back so we can curl up.

"Your dad has only been gone for 30 minutes," I whisper. I sit on top of him with my hands in his hair and resume what my anxiety had cut short.

It wasn't out of lust, it was out of desperation. The voice in my head went dead silent when I felt Devin tense up while I panicked. Even the little voice knows we both can't live without him. I don't feel any pleasure, but I hope he does.

I know that he told me he loved me, but it didn't feel right. I feel as though I have to prove everything I've ever felt to him, and I only have ten or so minutes to do so. However, the more I do now, the emptier I will feel later. The absence will feel larger.

It's moments like these that remind me I am replaceable to him, but he is a necessity to me. I will do anything possible to keep him by my side.