Life, I Guess

5

At the dinner table, Mom lays out food for Calvin and me. I take small portions of everything to be polite, but I'm not hungry. Devin read my text message but he hasn't replied. It's been three hours.

What did I do wrong this time?

I slouch in my chair and pick up my fork. I shovel small amounts of food in my mouth, chew, and swallow. My mom's a wonderful cook, but I'm just not hungry.

"I got a B on my science project!" exclaims Calvin.

I look at him, shaken out of my pity, and respond, "Cal, that's great!" If it were me, I would be fuming at anything less than a 90, but to Cal, an 80 is like me getting a 100 and extra credit.

Mom walks to the table from the kitchen saying, "I know, I got an email from your science teacher explaining that you're finally getting a grip on 8th grade science. I'm so proud, and to celebrate..." Mom sets a plate in front of Cal.

"S'mores stuff!" Calvin finishes his dinner quickly and runs to get matches and candles.

Our family loves anything s'mores related. When my parents divorced, we had to lose the fire pit in our backyard as we moved across town, but we have a tradition of using candles instead when something great happens.

As we roast marshmallows- or in Cal's case, burn them- I think to myself, "This is life. Family, food, laughing, and a boyfriend." Boyfriend... He still hasn't responded as I check my phone for the billionth time. I am reminded that I am unworthy of this teen novel-esque family. I grab one last marshmallow and head to my room.

"Sam? Honey, are you okay?" my mom asks.

Don't ruin Calvin's night. You'll ruin it by staying, you'll ruin it by telling her you're not okay. You're fine.

"Yeah, I'm just going to study a little bit. Good job, Cal. I'm happy for you." I retreat to my room.

My room has bare walls, a desk, a bed, and a closet. It's simple because I wish my life were that way.

I flop into my bed and open my messages. Devin responded!

Devin <3
Sorry baby I was working on an essay. I read your text earlier and then had a good point to write and completely forgot to respond!!

Am I that predictable? He knew that I would say something about it. It made me feel ridiculous.

I text back:
It's okay :) you got your work done! Now I have you all to myself :))

Devin <3:
Yes, and we should do that again. ;)

My cheeks flush.

Yeah, sorry it was cut short.

Devin <3:
Yeah, what was with that? Were you nervous??

Oh, no. Do I tell the truth? Do I say no? Do I make something up?

Yes, but not about what you were doing. I feel like we're going to get caught.

Devin <3:
Sam, I'm not going to do this if you get nervous.

I try to gulp down air but it doesn't get past my throat. I feel ice cold. My limbs are trembling. Devin continues to type.

He's typing out a breakup text. You messed up. This is it. What else is there for us to do?

I scan the room, praying that maybe there's an answer in my simple dwelling. My eyes land on the desk. They find my pencil holder. They stop at the bright red handle of my letter opener.

Feel it. You deserve everything that's coming.

I am mortified with my thoughts and huddle in the corner of my bed, staring at my phone.

Devin <3:
At least try please, that's all I ask.
Wait, I don't want to pressure you. I like you for you not our sneaking around.
I'm sorry, Sam.

I stare in disbelief. I start to feel warmth spread throughout my body again, and the shaking stops. I feel as though I've sprinted a mile.

Dev, I'm sorry it's my fault really

Devin <3:
Maybe it's something to work on

Normally when I put the blame on myself, whoever I'm talking to will say that's crazy and it was mutual or completely their wrongdoing. Not with Devin. When I blame myself, he let's me take it. It'll help me "deal with things".

Yep. Can do.
I'm going to bed. Love you!

Devin <3:
Night.

He doesn't love you.